the holiday challenge

Holidays.

Everybody has a favorite. But when you're the pastor's family, holiday choices convictions sometimes become a bigger deal than they would be for other people. If you don't celebrate a certain holiday (say, Halloween?) church members may feel that you're judging them if they do. Or if you celebrate a holiday (say, Passover?) then others may feel that you think less of them if they don't.

In our home (the Asaftei's), we keep our holidays simple. We feel that Jesus is best glorified when our celebratory experiences are focused on him. That means we pretty much skip all the stuff that's driven by materialism, consumerism, celebrities and/or a ton of unhealthy junk that's going to make us sick next week anyway.

When people ask questions, we try to give sweet, simple answers that don't demean or condemn but still clearly explain the reason why we made our choice.

How about you? How do you deal with the challenge of holidays?
What are your convictions? Have you taken flak for them?

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WANTED::one columnist

CLUTCH needs a critic.

Often, we get requests to review new resources, new books, new music albums or artists, and even new family movies. 

We'd like to be able to do it, but our main bloggers are already fully committed. (And yes, occasionally it all makes us a little insane!) 

So we are looking for someone new, who would be willing to take on the role of reviewing stuff. And writing about it. 

This writer needs to be a young PW or ministry wife, willing to critique content based on biblical principles and values, keeping the interests and needs of CLUTCH's specific audience in mind.

Minimum frequency would be two posts per month, more if you like. 

If you're interested, write us at clutchtalk [at] gmail [dot] com for more details.  Tell us about yourself, where/what kind of ministry you and your PH are doing, and why you think you'd be a good critic.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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what's your GOOD STUFF?

Our column the GOOD STUFF wants to hear from you!

What are the best things about being married to a pastor? Your fave perks? The stuff you're most grateful for? Your biggest blessings?

Share with us by email at: clutchtalk [at] gmail [dot] com. Illustrative photos/captions are welcome.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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on VBS programs...

Last week our church held VBS. 

We had about 50 kids, ages 3-11, and another 15 teenagers as assistant staff. About half of the kids were from the community, and quite a few returned this year because they came last year. 

It was my first time doing VBS in this church district, since we moved here last winter. This was also my first time using a pre-packaged set of materials. In the past when I've done VBS, we've always done it the "hard" way - you know, where you make all your own crafts, come up with all your own decorations, and create all your own program elements. There's definitely something to be said about the ease of a fully packaged set, but I've enjoyed the uniqueness of having original material as well. 

Every church, in every country, has a different experience and unique ideas to offer. 

A friend of mine is a youth pastor in the UK. She does an adaptation of something called "Messy Church", a hands-on, whole-family church service once a month. She says it's kind of like VBS, but every month, all year long. 

So what does your church do? What's your favorite way to minister to children through VBS or something similar? How do you make it scriptural yet engaging?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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summer reading list...

If your house is anything like ours, every spring we think that when summer comes things will slow down. And then every summer zooms by faster than ever.

And still, every summer I try to get in a few extra books on my reading list. This year I've gotten in and the Shofar Blew by Francine Rivers (a great book for PW's), The Help by Kathryn Stockett, and Game Change by John Heilemann & Mark Halperin.

Next, Parents in Ministry: Training Up a Child while Answering the Call by Dorothy Kelley Patterson and Armour Patterson, and Logo Design Love: a guide to creating iconic brand identities by David Airey.

What's on your summer reading list? Best book so far? Best lesson learned? Best life/ministry application?

Share yours!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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the good stuff...

Being a PW is hard work. Some days are heartbreaking, other days bring joyous rewards.

In the middle of surviving the busyness, the taking care of people's needs, the serving others whether our own needs have been met or not, the living in a fishbowl... you get the idea.

In the middle of all that - it's easy for us to forget the great things about being married to a pastor. 

It's easy to get swept up in the chaos, or the sheer volume of need, or even the boring routine of it all - and forget that God led us to a special life of ministry. 

So, to help us remember, Fridays are hereby dedicated to "the good stuff" - at least for a while. To remind us as we head into the weekend, that there are definitely perks to being a PW. 

"the good stuff" is also an open forum. If you've got something about PW life that you're especially thankful for, send us an email and we'll post your good stuff on an upcoming Friday! 

Feel free to include a photo to illustrate. Please include your name, city/state/country, and a valid email address in case we need to clarify anything (emails will NOT be included in your post).

Send your "good stuff" to: clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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rebellion

I saw this graphic on Anne Jackson's Permission to Speak Freely site (go check it out), and immediately I wondered how applicable this notion would be to us, young pastor's wives. What if it read, "I've tried so hard not to be the stereotypical Pastor's Wife,..."

I can't tell you how many times I've met a woman who IS the stereotypical PW! She works with the children's ministry *and* plays the piano *and* cooks for the potluck *and* gets to church on time. Inevitably, we talk about pastorswifering and she tells me how she's "so-not the typical pastor's wife. I've experienced this from PWs of all ages. Which begs the question, What is the typical pastor's wife, anyway... but that's not the point of this post! Back to the original thought...

Do you find yourself retaliating from the pressure to be what church member's expect?

In order to assert your independence from expectations and showcase your individuality, have you ever ended up straying away from the woman God designed you to be?

In what ways have you gone out of your way to prove or convey that you do not live in the PW box? Has that ever led you to sin or to glorify the sin in your life?

Talk to me.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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traditions and rituals...

Like any other category of the population, we pastor families have a rich variety in tradition and customs. Each of us does things differently.

In our family, I always tell the children's story when my husband preaches. That way I can match the teaching time for the kids to the theme of his sermon. Other than that, I don't do anything or accept any jobs in a new church for at least the first 6 months - so I can have time to get settled at home and get to know people at church before taking responsibilities of any kind.

And when we move to a new district, we usually try to host an come-and-go open house as soon as we get moved in. That way we can get acquainted with people in a comfortable, casual environment and let them know where we live and that our home is a place of welcome.

Everyone has a different way of doing things - and we can all benefit from hearing how things are done in other PW homes.

Do you have a tradition for when you move to a new church? How about a family night tradition that your children love?
Do you have a ritual that you do the night before church? Or in the afternoon after church?


What do you do as a pastor family that makes you unique?

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new places, new faces...

I got this bouquet last weekend.

It was the first weekend at our new church. The congregation was warm, friendly, and the church seemed to thrum with vibrancy. It felt like it was nearly bursting at the seams.

I've never been welcomed in a new district like that before. In one previous district on our first weekend, no one seemed to know or care that we were the new pastors. Granted, it was a large church and we weren't the only pastoral family. But still... after my husband's first sermon we waited for lunch plans. A welcome potluck? No. An invitation home? Huh uh.

Not last weekend - in this district it was like meeting a new family. Of course, there were little things. Like the woman who came up and commented that "your baby was really fussy during church!"

(And I swallowed back the retort that would have sounded something like: "Lady, my kid is 11 weeks old. He sat quietly on his daddy's lap during a 15-minute children's story, and fussed for LITERALLY NINETY SECONDS at the beginning of the sermon before conking out for a nap. I got up at 5:30 this morning so I could make it to church on time with my hair fixed and in a church dress. Yesterday I cooked all afternoon so I could bring a dish to my own welcome potluck. And right now my whole body is screaming 'cause I'm carrying a diaper bag in one hand and a 14-pound baby in the other, wearing a girdle and standing in 4-inch heels because I want to make a good impression on our first weekend here. You are NOT seriously going to stand here and try to tell me that my baby was too fussy!")

But if I'd blurted all that I might as well have just come in my pajamas, 'cause it would have obliterated any good impression I was trying to make.

And honestly, in this new place - where my husband is the senior pastor and I'm the only pastor's wife - I really did want to make a good impression. I want them to like me. I long to make new girlfriends. I very much DO NOT want to tick anyone off on the first day!

I don't think most people have any idea just how much the pastor's wife wants to be liked. Or how desperately we hope to find friends. Or how we cringe when other women our age look intimidated just by walking past us.

So that's my latest first-weekend-in-a-new-church story. How about you?

How do you feel the first time your husband preaches in a new church? Do you do anything special to get off on the right foot?

Spill.

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most embarassing PW moments...

I'll get the ball rolling and you run with it.

Two weekends ago, I was sitting in the children's class in our new church. It's the little kids' class, where babies and toddlers try their best to pay attention, and where there are almost as many parents as there are munchkins.

The lady beside me seemed very quiet. She had a beautiful little girl that kept leaving her little kid seat and coming to the mommy seats along the back for reassurance. Then she'd go back to the front rows for a little while before checking in again with mommy.

Huge round chocolate brown eyes. A little ponytail with kinky dark brown curls around her face. Rosy pink chubby cheeks and perfect rosebud lips. She was the kind of little girl you want to stare at - she was so pretty.

I half-noticed that she was also wearing tan corduroy pants and a little striped button-down sweater. But I didn't think much of it. Not very feminine attire for a little girl at church, when most of the other little girls were wearing fluffy dresses, but I'm not one to judge.

When the class was over, I said hello to the little girl's mom, made small talk, and waxed eloquent about how beautiful her daughter was. "Such a sweet and pretty little girl!"

"Ummm, I do have a daughter," the woman said. "But she's in the older class. This is my son."

Oh.
Right.
Hence the tan corduroy pants and striped button-down sweater instead of a fluffy dress.
Got it.

You go, girl. Way to win friends and influence people on your first weekend as the new pastor's wife!

That's my most recent embarrassing PW moment. You got one?

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columnists

Click any columnist to read their posts.

CLUTCH is currently welcoming new PW column writers. We especially need columnists to write about:

• how to's
• funny stories
• devotional/inspiration
• young PW profiles
• a word from the wise (interviews with older PWs for advice & mentorship)

Got a topic you'd like to see in a column?
Got a topic you'd like to be a columnist for?

Email: clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com!

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guest posting call...

Hi girls,

We'd like to open CLUTCH up to all our readers, in an invitation for you to contribute through guest blogs, video blogs, questions and so on.

Just being totally transparent here - Delina's got 10 week old twins and a toddler, and I (Sarah) am counting down the last 30 days before baby #1 arrives. So we're both suffering from variations of sleep deprivation and baby brain.

We think it's a good time for those of you who are interested, to chime in. CLUTCH can only benefit from a variety of perspectives and insights - so we'd love to hear from you. Got questions? Got giveaways to suggest or offer? Got life lessons to share? Read a great book lately?

Don't be shy!

(Pretty please? With a cherry on top?)

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question from a reader: do you tag along?

Last week a reader posted this question on an unrelated post. We thought it was interesting enough to warrant its own post. What do you say, ladies?

"I am not a PW (I was a PK for 40 + years) but one thing I do notice about some PW's, is that they do not tend to go with Hubby when he preaches away. Years ago, we all used to go as a family. Why has this changed? It is something I miss now, only seeing a pastor and no family in tow. Any comments anyone?"

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does your church live stream services?

It'll probably be several weeks before I step foot inside a church again (here's why), but I thought it would be a great time to church hop -- virtually that is -- and visit some of the Clutch ladies' churches.

So, if your church live streams or archives their video sermons, please leave a comment with the name of your church and the link to the stream. I'd love to visit and experience your worship service and listen to a word from your PH.

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chime in::planning unfamiliar events

After the June 15 post on mother blessings, Stephanie wrote us asking this question:

My dilema is that I am asked to plan events such as this (baby showers) but I am not a mother as of yet. What do I do?

Being a PW can really get you out of your comfort zone, especially when people ask you to help with things that are unfamiliar to you. It doesn't mean you have to say "No", but it might require a little extra research, and maybe even a partnership with some of the older ladies in church who could give helpful feedback. Who knows, you might even make new friends as a result!

When I am asked to do/host/lead something I'm not familiar with, I have a few standard next-steps:

1. Call my mom (or another older woman with expertise in whatever it is)
2. Google for ideas, tips, concepts, columnists' opinions, etc (i.e., for planning a baby shower, I'd look for task lists, theme ideas, and so on)
   
3. Chat online with other PWs or girlfriends who are creative and don't mind me asking for input
4. Make a list of ideas that come to me and narrow them down
5. Ask other church women to help coordinate aspects they're good at (decorating, food, music, games, etc)
   
6. Partner with another woman (or a few of them) in church leadership to be a team for the spiritual side of things (i.e., asking other PWs to say a prayer, offer a blessing over the mother, etc)

I've found that older women are often flattered and honored to be asked to participate in something I'm planning as the young PW, and if I'm willing to ask them for the wisdom and advice that they've collected over the years - I usually gain fabulous insights, and the beginning of a new friendship as well.

That's me - now what would YOU suggest that Stephanie (and anyone else who shares her feelings) do when they are faced with the unfamiliar?

Got tips?

Do share!

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chime in: setting limits

Sandra, a reader and Clutch contributor, wants you to chime in:

I don't know if other pastors' wives deal with this, but I would like to know how their husbands handle counseling. A couple approached my husband today about getting weekly counseling sessions from him. This will make weekly sessions with three couples! Do other pastor husbands counsel or do they have someone else who does it? When do they fit it in? If it's "after hours" do they charge church members? Non-church members? I want to be able to help these couples, but it's beginning to get overwhelming!

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perk guilt

Often times our roles as PWs come with perks, like getting served first without having to stand in line at a church function, reserved parking, travel or members doing things for you or buying you things just because of who you're married to.

Not saying you should or you shouldn't, but have you ever experienced guilt associated with the special treatment?

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chime in: questions from you (8)

Time to chime in! Here's a question from a reader:

"My husband recently received his 4th church to pastor. I'm a bit overwhelmed! It kinds feels like "run, run, run." Right now, I don't feel like I really belong to any one of the 4 churches. When we moved to this district there were only two churches my husband pastored and we spent one worship day completely with one church and the next worship day with the 2nd church. Any tips on how to cope, how to take time off? Thanks."

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chime in: questions from you (7)

It's time to chime in! Here's a question from a reader:

"i'm needing some help in the area of not getting along with the other pastor wives on staff - their dedication or lack of for the church & their pastor really is disturbing, upsetting & just makes me full of anger sometimes. help!"

Advice, ladies. Give her some...

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chime in: questions from you (6)

Question from a reader:

"What is your role as a pastor's wife...we are in the process of planting a church and sometimes I don't know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm suppose to be doing. Just wondering what is a way to be at your maximum for your church and husband and home too?"

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