the power of persuasion

It's been a while since we've had a "He Says" post...and that's 'cause we need your husbands to chime in. Now, we all know how busy our PHs are. We all know that they have a to-do list at home that's a mile long (and we're responsible for much of it, yes). But please accept this as your Mission: Impossible assignment. Can you get your PH to guest blog on Clutch? Would it be less painful if he did it via video (using a webcam)? Is there something brilliant on your PH's blog already that we could repost on Clutch? C'mon ladies!

First one to persuade her man to contribute to Clutch gets a ... feeling of accomplishment and admiration from the rest of the PWs... :-)

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he says: find your niche

This is the final installment in a series of posts by PH Trevan Osborn. Read his other 2 posts, here and here.

You are your husband’s greatest asset in the church. At least, you can and should be. There’s no doubt that in my church, my wife has been a great help in breaking down barriers with people who I’d have a hard time reaching and revealing a heart for ministry all members should have. The church probably won’t shed a tear when I’m gone but the same can’t be said for my wife. They love her.

The best thing she has done is found her place to serve in the church. She co-leads our hospitality team and helps out in other ministries when possible. She hasn’t accepted all the roles people have tried to place on her but she’s serving in a meaningful way that everyone has noticed.

There is a new generation of PWs, who frankly, can’t sing, play piano, or lead women’s ministry as has traditionally been expected. I’m not asking you to become that and by all means, don’t allow the church to dump all kinds of ministry in your lap. However, your service, or lack thereof, has a huge impact on how members perceive not only your husband but the church as a whole.

Find your unique niche in ministry and serve with commitment and passion. It’s not just important for helping you husband’s ministry, but will strengthen your own spiritual experience.

What ministry are you serving in now? Have you felt too much pressure to serve? How have you helped the church have realistic expectations? Anyone out there taking a rebellious stand when it comes to serving, and not serving simply because it's expected?

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he says: there are things you don't need to know

This is the second in a series by guest blogger and PH, Trevan Osborn. Read the first one here.

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. How much stuff about the church and its members should a pastor tell his spouse? This is a really tough issue and I don’t pretend to have the “correct” answer if there even is one. I think it really should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis but I’ll share my general approach.

I tell my wife little to nothing outside of general information everyone knows about the church. There are many personal things people have told me that they expect I’ll tell and will talk to her as if she knows when she has no clue what’s going on. It can put her in a bit of an awkward situation but I’d rather them telling her than me. I don’t tell her for two main reasons:

First, for my own sanity. I need safe space away from church and my wife provides that for me. Sure, she’s involved and we talk about church stuff a lot but I want it to be as limited as possible. When I come home from a tough meeting or brutal sermon, I just need to get away from it for a bit.

Second, for my wife’s sanity. I don’t want her to be burdened by the weight of the issues people are going through. She doesn’t need to know who’s on the warpath against me and get defensive and upset. I also feel the need to make her church experience as normal as possible for her own spirituality and emotional well-being.

I told my approach to a trusted mentor who said he takes the exact opposite approach. He tells his wife everything and she is a great support to his ministry. Either way has its strengths and weaknesses and the key thing is for you to be comfortable with your PH's approach.

What’s been your PH's approach? Has it changed over the years? How much do you want to know?

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he says: life is *really* unfair

This is the first in a series of guest blogs by a pastor for pastor's wives.

One of my high school history professors had a quote framed in his classroom that he would often point to when we would complain about too much homework or a test that was too long. He would remind us that as John F. Kennedy said, “Life is unfair.” If that’s true for the average person, I would suggest that for pastors and their families, “Life is REALLY unfair.”

Your husband’s schedule is probably completely different than yours. You work during the day, he works at night. You have the weekend off, he works hardest on the weekend.

Then you have to deal with disgruntled church members attacking the man you love. They’ll also come after you and start hurling accusations at the family. You are under the spotlight and held to higher standards than the average church member as every action, outfit, and word is analyzed. The list could go on but you know what I’m talking about.

So, how are you responding to this? As a pastor, here’s my suggestion. Your husband doesn’t need you to remind him over and over again about how unfair things are. He knows all the things that are wrong with the church and doesn’t need you to become just another disgruntled church member.

The reality is that things will never be as we wish and there will always be double standards, hypocrisy, and unsafe people in the church. Don’t blame your husband for that. Remember that we’re on the same team and are working for the same goals: a Spirit-filled church that provides a safe environment for all people to experience God’s salvation.

Yes, life as a pastor’s wife is unfair, but your husband needs you to encourage and support him and his ministry. The last thing he needs you to become is another person making him question his call to ministry.

Trevan Osborn pastors an Adventist church in Virginia. He and his wife Shari have been married since 2004.

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