a father's love

This past week I have had a terribly tragic reminder of the beauty of love. It has been gutwrenching for our church and community.

A 46 year old man and his family were vacationing in Wyoming, and had stopped for a picnic on the bank of the Snake River. The 10 year old son was playing on the edge of the river and somehow got pulled into the current. The father went to his rescue, and they were both swept into the strong pull of the river. After floating together for a short distance, Dad was finally able to push his son into the slower water where he could climb out safely. The son was rescued and unhurt. But the dad was pulled underwater, and never seen again. Rescue crews still have not been able to find him after 5 days of searching.

This family was a precious example of stability and love. Dad, Mom, Son (10) and Daughter (7). Father was incredibly engaged with his children and wife, and extremely active in his church and school community. He was an elder in the church, and the chair of the school board. He was well respected and admired by all. And he will be extraordinarily missed by all.

The son is dreadfully heartbroken, of course. He will live forever with the knowledge that his father died trying to save him. The challenge for his mother, and others who love and support him, will be to help him see that his father loved him so much that he gave his life for him, rather than his father died because of him. As he grows and matures, will he let that knowledge eat at him and discourage him; or will he let that knowledge uplift and encourage him?

That is exactly what Jesus did for us, too. He loved us so much that He gave His life for each of us. He willingly died on the cross for our sins, to save us, so that we could live with Him in Heaven forever. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Our purpose, as mothers, pastoral wives, daughters, sisters and friends, is to help others see how much God loves them, and what He gave for them. Our job is to help others be encouraged and uplifted, and even challenged, by that love.

I ask for your continued prayers for this family. Thank you for lifting them up to their Heavenly Father during this tragic time of their lives.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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going home

Ahhh…the feel of coming home. As we drive around the serene Pennsylvania countryside, with the peaceful cows munching on grass, and the gentle rolling hills dotted with farmhouses and barns, a sigh escapes my lips. My husband asks, “Why the sigh?” and I honestly don’t know the answer.

You see, we left Pennsylvania four years ago to take a call in Georgia. We have come back to visit family. His family. He is the PA native; I am the GA girl. Of course they are my family too, as I love them with all my heart; but my family is all in Georgia. So why this sigh of nostalgia, of longing? When I lived here I longed for Georgia. But now that we are living in Georgia, I long for here.

“Do you wish we could come back?” my husband asks.

Do I? Yes, in many ways. However, things have changed here. People have moved, new people have come. Places are different, dynamics are different. We could never recapture now the way it was then.

I turn my thoughts to our current home. I love the people and the church dearly. I love the Georgia way. I love the vibrancy of our ministry. I especially love being near my family. My husband and I have grown so much over the four years we have been in our new church, and our children have thrived. So why am I so melancholy at this moment?

I ponder this question, and quietly pray for an answer.

The answer comes to my spirit in a whisper:

Because that was your home. But where you are now is your home. Every place I have put you is your home. I have grown and developed you in each place, and each place has become a part of who you are. And I will continue to grow you where I plant you in the future. However, you will never be fully content, because your true home isn’t here on this earth—it is in Heaven, with Me. That is where your Home is, and that is what your heart longs for.

Perhaps this combined sense of longing for the past, but yearning for the future, that I live with--that I thought plagued me—is straight from God. It doesn’t mean I’m not content where I am. It means that I am always ready for whatever God has in store. Each place, each new adventure, is just one step closer to our final destination.

Ahhh…the feel of going home!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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the name game

Top Baby Names of the Year, Celebrity Baby Names, etc. These, and the like, are threads I see frequently on Yahoo news (OK, I know it is “McNews”). How many of you have agonizingly deliberated for 9 months over the name choice of your children? For my husband and me, we never argued over it, but we could certainly get frustrated with each other. Choosing a name for your child is an important task—one you and your child will have to live with for the rest of their lives. For us, we chose family names mixed with names we just both liked. I still love the names we ended up with, and I thank God for leading us through that process.

Selecting a name for your child is serious business. Perhaps that is why this tip I am about to share with you is so important. I have found in ministry that if you remember the name of someone’s child, you have just exhibited your care not only for that child, but also for their parents. It is a simple task (sometimes easier said than done) that can mean the world to parents. When you are greeting a family at church, make sure to get down on the level of the child, and greet them using their name. The child LOVES to be greeted in such a fashion, and the parents will know that you care.

Now, with that said, it is also good to learn the name of the parents. Since my children are young, I often know people by who their child is. “Oh, you’re Caitlin’s mom.” Or, “Oh yes, Justin is your son.” Most parents are okay with this. But if you go the extra step and learn their names too, you will make a powerful impact.

I am blessed to be able to usually remember most names fairly easily, but my husband is not. So he is always asking me before we get to church what someone’s name is. (Isn’t is great how God puts us together with our complement!). But I am having to work harder lately. Perhaps it is because I am getting older, or because our current church is very culturally diverse, so I don’t have the “anchors” to link a name to.

So what if you are like my husband and can’t remember a name to save your life? Here’s what I do, and what I recommend for him to do. When I meet someone, I ask them to repeat their name to me, and perhaps even spell it. I look them in the face, and I repeat their name. In my mind, I see the name spelled out. I also try to make a connection to the name (the “anchor”), such as a former friend, a place, a Bible or literary character, etc. These tricks help me to usually be able to recall the name later on. And these tricks have helped me to touch lives in a very simple, yet powerful way.

A name is important to a person. It is who we are. So, I challenge you today to start learning the names of those in your church, especially the children. Try to learn a name or two a week, and see if it makes any difference in your ministry.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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the danger within

I’ve been reading a thread on one of my homeschool forums about googling people, and how easy it is to find out all about someone. Cyber stalkers are real and prevelant today, and the internet makes it easy for real stalkers to locate just about anyone. I love Facebook, and being able to keep in touch with old friends; but I’ve heard how employers and potential employers are using it against people. I even heard a story about a woman’s insurance claim being denied because of photos she had posted on her FB site. I also have a friend whose husband reconnected with an old girlfriend via Facebook, and now he has left his wife and their children for this old flame.

The world is so much smaller now than it used to be. And that’s a good thing. Technology allows us to spread the gospel in new and different ways, and to reach people that could never be reached before. Does your church have an active website? It should—not only for the benefit of communicating with your own church members—but for communicating your church and its mission to the world.

However, technology can be a powerful weapon in the hands of Satan. As with every good thing in this sinful world, it has it drawbacks. We must guard ourselves and our families from its dangers. We don’t often think about the dangers and perils that are lurking within our own living rooms. We use BSAFE in our home as a internet filter to protect ALL of us from dangerous websites. Internet pornography use and addiction is rampant, ESPECIALLY among pastors! Ladies, talk to your husbands today about it, and continue to pray for them daily to withstand these evil temptations. Discuss and pray together also, about how you can guard your children, and teach them how to protect themselves.

What are some measures that you have taken to protect yourself and your family from the dangers of internet?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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a tube of blue toothpaste

I remember it clearly, even though it was probably 25 years ago. The pastor held a tube of toothpaste up in the air, and then proceeded to squeeze out its contents (he did hold a plate underneath to catch it falling). The blue paste squirted and spun like a snake coiling and striking the air. Once the tube was empty, he asked the children if anyone could put the paste back into the tube. Of course they couldn’t, despite several trying, and making a royal mess. The pastor then told the children how this toothpaste was just like words. Once they are out of our mouths, we cannot put them back, no matter how hard we try, and how much of a mess we make. This was such a vivid image of the effect our words can have.

I was reminded of that image this morning during my Bible reading. Psalm 141:3 says, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord: keep watch over the door of my lips.” David wrote these words as a prayer to God, asking for His power to control what he says. David was a king, a shepherd, a friend, a husband, a father, a son, a brother, and a warrior. All of these titles involved relationships with people (well, not the shepherd), and we often use words to communicate within our relationships. The words we say can have either a positive or negative effect on people. Praise the Lord for all the words we say to people that have positive effects! But those that we say that are negative, and/or have a negative effect, will have lasting impacts.

Sisters in ministry, we need to be all the more careful with our words! Despite the fact that we are just normal—aka sinful--human beings, who are tempted in all ways, our words should be even more measured and guarded. Our church members put more weight upon our words, whether good or bad. Criticism, gossip, and harsh words are like the poison of vipers on our lips (Rom. 3:13). Whoever made up the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” had no idea what they were talking about. Our words can hurt far more than any stone throwing. If there is any chance that what you say can be misunderstood, it probably will be. And don’t ever think that the words you say “in confidence” won’t make it back to the person they will hurt the most. Call it an occupational hazard, but the secrets of or told by a pastor’s wife will rarely remain a secret for long.

Let us also not forget the words we say to or in the hearing of our husband and children.

We should pray daily and continuously, just as David did, for God to guard our mouths and lips. We want our words to be uplifting and encouraging. We want our words to point to THE Word.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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positive discipline 4

This is our last post on the topic of positive discipline. I hope it has been a valuable series. I know when I conducted a series of family life presentations at our church, this was most everyone’s favorite topic. Not because it is so exciting or uplifting, but because it was so relevant.

We’ve already discussed how positive discipline should be prayerful, proactive, consistent, swift, firm, honest, and clear. The final three aspects of positive discipline are being appropriate, fair and level-headed. These are very important keys to making discipline positive, and thereby helping to grow your child into a disciple of Christ.

Appropriate discipline basically means that the punishment should fit the crime. The more relevant a recourse is, the more learning can take place. The level of discipline should fit the level of the misbehavior. And whenever possible, we should utilize the natural consequence, making it all the more meaningful. In Exodus 21:24, God instructed Moses to make discipline appropriate when He said, “But if any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, and for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.” This was in response to the Isrealites doling out extreme punishment for not-so-extreme behavior. God wants us to make sure that we don’t go overboard—or underboard--on our discipline either. It should also be age-appropriate; a teenager needs a different approach than a toddler. Appropriate discipline is positive discipline, and therefore teaching discipline.

Next, it should be fair. This also goes back to being consistent and appropriate. Kids have a keen sense of fairness, and will accuse us countless times of being “unfair”. I like to come back with the statement, “Life isn’t fair when you compare.” There is a difference between being the same and being fair. In order to be fair, we need to consider our children, their personalities, and their needs. But we also need to listen to them, their reason for doing something and perhaps the context of the situation.

Finally, positive discipline should be level-headed. This is perhaps the most difficult to maintain. All too often, our discipline is just an emotional response to something that has happened. We need to maintain a level head, free from emotionalism. We shouldn’t yell, or get all flustered, as hard as that may be. When we respond emotionally, we are allowing our children to see that they can push our buttons and control our emotions. Don’t we want to teach our kids to be in control of their own emotions, and to not let others do it for them?

With that said, we should express our emotions constructively. We want them to know that what they do and say has effects on others. But we should do it in the form of I statements. We can say to our children, “I felt hurt and disrespected when you yelled at me.” Etc. You can fill in the blanks with whatever is appropriate. The formula is this: I feel/felt ______________ (attach an emotion) when you _____________________ (attach an action). This is a powerful tool in communication as well, but it takes practice to become fluent.

Additionally, being level-headed means that we do NOT engage in arguments with our children. I have a phrase that I use whenever my kids (or my former students) try to argue with me. I simply say, “Well that may be, but ….” You can use a different one, such as “I understand, but…” or “That may be true, but…” For example, my children are fighting. I address the situation and say that they shouldn’t be yelling and pushing each other. One will know no doubt say, “But he started it!” I will answer with, “Well, that may be, but we should not yell or hit each other.” Then the other child will say, “But he broke my Lego creation!” I again will answer with, “Well, that may be, but we should not yell or hit each other.” Once we have done that a few times, the kids will be calmed down enough to actually listen to reason. But if we engage in the argument with them, we will never get them to that point.

There is so much more to disciplining our children, and there’s no way for us to cover it all. The above principles will simply help us to be more effective in discipline. However, I must say that it is not natural to do things this way. We must practice, and be intentional and prayerful with it. God will help us as we go along. I have been using these principles and techniques for 11 ½ years now, and I still have to work at it. But it is so worth the effort. My children are no angels, but at least I can deal with them without going completely insane! God has blessed our efforts, and He will bless your efforts as well as you seek to raise your children to be more like Him.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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positive discipline - part 3

Let’s continue our discussion on positive discipline. First of all, let me reply to a comment that was made about how discipline shouldn’t always be pleasant. By positive, I don't mean pleasant. I mean the results are positive, as opposed to negative and destructive. There's a difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline will always result in positive, whereas punishment will be negative. Discipline is making disciples out of our children--instilling the character of Christ, while punishment is simply acting upon our children because we don't like what they did.

Now, to continue, positive discipline should be honest and clear. To be honest, we need to stear clear of sarcasm and generalizations—a general rule in communication, BTW—and honestly communicate our feelings about the misbehavior. Last night, my son did something that I thought was rude and disrespectful. So I told him, “I felt disrespected when you did that.” I was honest about my feelings, which helped him to realize that his actions had an effect on someone else, namely me. Additionally, I focused on how I felt, rather than accusing him of deliberately acting that way. It prevented him from getting defensive, and all he could do was apologize and think about what he had done to hurt me.

Secondly, being honest means that we don’t threaten something that we know good and well we can’t or won’t follow through with. We should never threaten that we will leave our child somewhere if they don’t come right now. We, of course, won’t leave them there, and we really don’t want them to think that we will. Instead, we should focus on what we can control. For instance, (depending on the circumstances, of course) say your child doesn’t want to leave the toy aisle of the store; you could say instead, “I am leaving here in 1 minute. [Give them a warning, or count down; it helps to be proactive, remember?] Now you can come riding in the cart, or you can come walking.” (Or holding my hand, or holding the new toy, or without the new toy, etc.). We should always be honest in our discipline, because we want to not only discipline our children for Christ, but to teach them to be honest too.

Next, positive discipline should be clear. We can be proactive by clearing explaining our expectations and boundaries before hand. Many times it isn’t misbehavior as much as it is not knowing what their parents actually want. And when a child does misbehave and is in need of discipline, focus on the action rather than the child. We want to be clear in what the misbehavior was. For example, rather than saying “You were selfish and rude to your brother,” we could say, “Taking that toy away from him was rude, and we don’t want to be rude in our family. We want to share and be kind.” Then follow it up with a choice, such as, “Now do you want to give it back to him, or should I?” You clearly stated what was wrong with what he did, clearly how you wanted him to act, and clearly what you want him to do next. The clearer we are, and the more “thinking” words we use—words that make our child think rather than get defensive or want to fight—the more discipline is taking place. Because then the child is having to think about their actions, and how they should have handled it, and will handle it next time.

Next week, we will discuss how positive discipline should be fair, appropriate and level-headed. Again, feel free to comment on this post or my previous ones on positive discipline.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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positive discipline - part 2

OK, there were no comments on my last post about positive discipline. I don’t know if that means you didn’t read it, you disagree with what I said, or if nobody wants to talk about how we discipline (or should) our kids. I invite you to comment on today’s post just so I know you are out there!

Last week we discussed how it is our responsibility and duty to discipline—to make disciples of Christ out of—our children. I also shared how it is one of my least favorite aspects of parenting. However, when your children respond positively, and exhibit the qualities that you are trying to instill in them, it is sooooo rewarding! We all know how it feels when they misbehave, especially in front of those gossiping church members. Well, it feels equally--if not even more—impacting when they behave like we want them to.

Today let’s talk more about the aspects of positive discipline. We learned last week how “PD” should be prayerful and proactive. A third principle is consistency. PD should always be consistent. Some of the biggest problems in our home has been because my husband and I haven’t always dealt with our children in the same way. I am not criticizing my dear PH in any way, but I have had more opportunity to “hone and perfect” my disciplining skills, simply because of my studies, and because I am with the kids more often. Kids easily learn how to manipulate and navigate a team of two disjointed parents. My hubby is doing much better in this area now, and we more unified.

However, lack of consistency doesn’t have to be between two parents. It can also be an issue for one parent, in how they handle discipline from one instance to another. I personally have struggled with this because of health issues. I have fibromyalgia, and I am not always well. Sometimes I haven’t felt like putting the energy forth to handle a situation in the manner that I knew it should be handled. Consequently, my kids may push the limits more often, because they know sometimes they might get away with the misbehavior. And my kids aren’t alone! Every child will cross boundaries that are not consistently enforced.

Fourth, PD should be firm. This goes along with consistency. Wimpy discipline is as ineffective as inconsistent discipline. God is certainly not wimpy in His discipline of us; neither should we be in the discipline of our children. With that said, we should not be overzealous in the area of corporal punishment. Whether you believe in spankings or not, I’m sure we could all agree that it should be the last resort. And when you do utilize corporal punishment, do it prayerfully and slowly. I remember as a kid watching on Little House on the Prairie how Pa would take the kids out to the barn to spank them. It was a slow, deliberate process, rather than just an emotional reaction.

And fifth, PD should be swift. This is not in contradiction to what I just said about corporal punishment. Swift means that when something happens you deal with it immediately. Younger children, especially, will not remember what they have done wrong, and the teachable moment will have passed by. However, there is nothing wrong with “suspending judgment”. By that I mean when something happens, you address it immediately, but delay the “sentencing” for a later time, after you have had time to pray and think about it, and perhaps discuss it with your husband. My PH likes to call it the “icing time” (where you put them on hold--or on ice) and it does have its benefits. The child has time to think about what he/she has done, and we have time to calm down and prayerfully come up with an effective punishment.

So to recap, positive discipline is prayerful, proactive, consistent, firm and swift. Next week we will continue our discussion on this aspect of parenting, and how it should be positive and constructive, rather than negative and destructive.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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positive discipline - part 1

What do you think of when you hear the word “discipline”? Punishment? Spankings? Groundings? I think of the most unpleasant task of parenting. But the word discipline actually means “to make disciples.”

In other words, it means to train and teach our children about the character of God. The Bible tells us that it is our responsibility to teach our children the commandments of God, and we are to do so diligently (Deut. 6:6-9). The Bible also says in Proverbs 13:24 that if we fail to discipline our child, then we are failing to love them!

Discipline doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It should be positive in nature. Positive discipline? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Those two words don’t seem to go together in the same sentence. But they should always be together. Discipline shouldn’t be anything but positive.

What is positive discipline? It is discipline that is encouraging and uplifting in nature, designed to constructively teach the child the ways of the Lord.

Today I will give you an overview of some of the principles of positive discipline. These ten aspects make the difference between positive, constructive discipline, and that which is negative and destructive.

Positive Discipline should be:

· Prayerful
· Proactive
· Consistent
· Swift
· Firm
· Honest
· Clear
· Appropriate
· Fair
· Level-headed

I will deal with the first two aspects today, and then the other principles in later posts.


Prayerful – We should first have a consistent prayer life in order to stay in tune with God, and constantly pray for our children’s growth and development. We should also pray everytime we are confronted with having to discipline our child, so that God can lead us according to His will. Additionally, we should make prayer with our child a part of the discipline process; and finally, we should always follow-up with prayer that the imposed discipline will be effective and constructive.

Proactive – The more proactive we are in discipline, the fewer problems we will have to deal with. Children thrive on structure and boundaries. If those boundaries and expectations have been made clear to our children, then we won’t have as many problems. Also, children will tend to misbehave when their structure is interrupted.

It is especially important to be consistent with mealtimes and bedtimes, as hunger and fatigue are major causes of bad behavior. Additionally, if we affirm good behavior, and communicate our love to children in ways they can easily understand (i.e. using their love languages), then we have gone a long way to alleviate many problems.

As pastoral families, we are watched in how we handle our children. Unfortunately, PKs are often seen as the worst behaved kids in church. I believe it is simply because church members expect more from PKs. That may be untrue and unfair, but the fact is, we can model the positive disciplining of our children. Let’s give them something good to talk about!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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the family ebenezer

My mother has a small rock, about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide, sitting on her dresser. On it is written the word, “Ebenezer.” Now I don’t know what would come to your mind, but I always think of Ebenezer Scrooge when I see it—you know, the grumpy old man who had a life-changing experience on Christmas Eve. I know that isn’t what it means, but I tease her anyway about having a rock with an old man’s name on her dresser.

What it actually means is “stone of help.” She keeps it there to remind her that God is her help. It all comes from the Bible, when Samuel placed a stone at Mizpah after the Isrealites defeated the Philistines rather miraculously (see 1 Samuel 7:12). This ebenezer was meant to be an altar, a monument, a place to help the Isrealites remember God’s help.

Each family, especially each pastoral family, should have their own ebenezer. I don’t mean placing a big stone in the middle of your living room and praying before it. I mean that we should each have a family altar, a place where we worship and honor God for his help. I mean that we should each have a regular family worship time. Here are the 5 W’s of family worship:

Why should we have family worship?
It is a time where the family gathers together and worships God. The family altar is extremely beneficial because it is a place to discuss your faith, to worship together, to discover God, to transmit your faith and values, to build memories, to listen to each other, to pray together, and to address relevant issues.

Who is involved in family worship?
Everyone. The entire family. It should ideally be led by the father, as he is the priest of the home. However, everyone should be involved. Once the kids get old enough, it is fun for them to sometimes plan and lead a worship. And we all know as PWs that our hubbies are not often around in the evening, so we might have to lead out when he isn’t there.

When should we have it? 
Preferably in the morning and evening. But our schedules are often so crazy, that any time your family can consistently have family worship is the time you should plan for. Maybe around the breakfast table. Maybe after baths at night, before the kids go to bed. Even if you can’t have a morning worship because everyone is rushing out the door, at least have a family prayer before everyone leaves.

Where should we have it? 
Anywhere! It could be around the table, or on the couch in the living room (wouldn’t a crackling fire make it cozy?). Maybe gathered around the piano. Or perhaps snuggled up on the kids’ beds before bedtime. How about going outside to worship (there is a stream near our house where we like to go)? In the car on the way to a church service. However, even though it can take place anywhere, the best place is somewhere consistent.

What should we do for family worship? 
This, of course, depends on the ages in your family. The purpose is to discover God, so the best place to start is the Bible. However, Bible story books or family devotionals may be a great bet for younger kids. Share your own stories, or share objects from nature. God has written His character all over creation! Every family worship should include prayer, but music is usually included in our family worships. We also like to play Bible games, perform skits or role plays, or other active learning activities.

The beauty of family worship is that you can tailor it to fit your family’s needs and tastes. Make it fun and meaningful. Vary the format at times. Consider the ages of your family members and create it for them. The important thing is to keep it consistent, purposeful, relevant, and godly.

But I must warn you—as soon you start to have family worship in your home, Satan will try to stop you, and put all kinds of distractions and disruptions in your way! Don’t let him! Treasure your “family ebenezer” and do whatever it takes to be faithful with it. When we worship God as a family, and honor Him for the help He brings us everyday, we will draw closer to Him, and to each other. Isn’t that what we all want in our homes?
 
 

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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families under fire

Do you ever feel like your family is under fire? Well, that’s because it is. Satan is attacking families, especially pastoral families. We, and the families in our churches, are battling financial stress, work pressures, infidelity and abuse. We are dealing with addictions, safety concerns, health problems and special needs. And probably the most pressing, but the most challenging, is raising our children in a difficult world.

Why does Satan target families? Because that is where it hurts. Because that is where we are most vulnerable. Because that is where he can be the most destructive. He knows that a family is where we build our society, where we develop our sense of self, and where we are affirmed and loved. A family is where we strengthen each other, where we transmit our values and faith, and where we shape the future. If our family life is hurting, it is hard to function successfully in other areas of our lives.

The Bible shares with us in Malachi 4:7:

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet Before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD. And he will turn The hearts of the fathers to the children, And the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.”

This text predicts family troubles and break downs at the end of time, but it also offers HOPE!

I am offering a series at our church, as part of an evangelistic series, entitled Families Living with Hope. We are focusing on strengthening and encouraging families. I thought I would share with you in my next several posts some of what I am sharing in my series. And hopefully it will help you in your own families first, but also in dealing with hurting families in your churches.

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flying noodles and fortune cookies

It was one of those days. You know the kind when things just don’t go so well. The kids are crabby, you’re crabby, your husband is crabby. Well, it was one of those days for me.

It was a very busy Friday and we had just finished grocery shopping. I had all three boys in tow (all aged 5 and under at that time). My PH had agreed to go along and help. Fortunately, we had managed to leave the store without terrorizing anyone, but by the time we left everyone was hungry.

Sure, we had a van load of groceries; but to go home, unload them and then fix something while the pre-meal meltdown was going on around me was more than I was up for. So I whined and begged to go to the Chinese buffet we all love. Of course I knew that once I mentioned it the kids would jump on the idea too. So Brad relented, and agreed to go.

It was a good restaurant. The Grand Buffet. Lots of vegetarian items (we are vegetarians, by the way), reasonably cheap, fairly clean, good service; and since it’s a buffet there’s no waiting for the food—which is a good thing with hungry kids. And did I mention we were all hungry? It should have been a nice lunch. What was I thinking? When we are all that hungry it can only spell disaster.

First of all, the baby needed to nurse. We were seated by the window in a booth. A booth is not the easiest place to nurse, especially in front of the window. You’re either flashing the whole restaurant, or flashing the whole parking lot. Unfortunately, Liam was at the age where everything distracted him and he wouldn’t eat very well. So I gave up and gave him some dry Cheerios from the diaper bag. Maybe he would eat some apple sauce, I thought, while I tried to keep him from grabbing all the silverware off the table.

Well, while I attempted to feed one hungry mouth, Brad attempted to feed the other two hungry mouths. Our plan was to get the boys eating, and then we would take turns getting our plates. So he took the boys up to the buffet to get their food. I could hear them clear across the restaurant. “No, not those noodles!” and “I don’t like mushrooms!” and “I want broccoli!” etc. When you are desperate, as Brad was, you sometimes forget which kid likes what. I pitied Brad, and said to little Liam--not expecting a response, of course—“Your brothers are giving your daddy a hard time.”

The response I got was not from Liam, but from the lady at the neighboring table, “Yes they are, aren’t they?”

I looked up and saw a sympathetic smile coming from a older woman. She looked much like a lot of other women her age here in the Pennsylvania Dutch region. Friendly, but forthright. What I saw in her was not condemnation, however, but understanding. Sometimes you just aren’t sure how to take comments from “well-wishers”, but she was genuinely amused by the antics. She offered to hold Liam while I helped Brad with the older boys, but I wasn’t comfortable enough with that idea. So I politely said that we would be fine.

Brad brought the boys back and they did settle into their meals. I got my food—yummy spring rolls, bean curd and vegetables, lo mein. Brad loaded his plate up too. It was good food. Then the multiple trips started: more lo mein for Adam, more broccoli for Mason, more napkins, more forks (Adam dropped his), more spoons (Liam threw his), more napkins, etc.

By this time glasses were spilling, and patience was waning. Adam wanted more rice noodles so I stood to let him out of the booth. As he emerged from behind the table I saw a vision of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Noodles were hanging from his arms, his legs, his chin, his shirt-front, his hair, and I think even his ears. You know how sticky those noodles can be? I guess they need to be so the chopsticks can pick them up. As I tried to wipe Adam off the noodles just clung harder.

Well, Mason found this to be very humorous, and he proceeded to throw noodles all over himself. Adam, not wanting to miss out on the fun, started grabbing noodles to stick on Mason. Then they squealed, and began dressing Liam in noodles too. Needless to say, noodles were flying.

Brad and I, as if synchronized, both attempted to catch the noodles mid-air, each grab a sticky hand, and cover a giggling mouth all at once. However, we didn’t have enough hands between us to accomplish the tasks, and we quickly realized we were losing the battle. Again, in sync, we plopped down in our seats with heavy sighs—his angry, mine defeated.

“Why do we even try?” I said to no one in particular.

With stares from the nearby customers, and glares from the restaurant’s servers, I sent up a “prayer flare” to God, asking for patience, wisdom, and superhuman power. Amazingly, the kids immediately settled down and sat back in the booth. Brad called out the familiar escape plea, “Check please,” and the waitress hurried over with a little black tray holding five fortune cookies and the ticket. The boys greedily reached for the cookies and tore into the wrapping.

“Read mine! Read mine!” Adam begged as his wrapper ripped open and his little cookie broke into several pieces. A outcry ensued, and I quickly switched his for the baby’s cookie, as Liam would only gum the broken parts anyway. But I promised I wouldn’t mix up the little slip of paper, because Adam was adamant that the first fortune belonged to him, and not to his little brother.

In frustration, I grabbed the slip out of his hands, and began to read aloud the message. “Your future is as high…” I stopped midsentence, a lump in my throat developing and choking my words.

“What’s the rest?” Adam asked.

“Your future is as high as the lofty heavens,” I whispered contemplatively.

“What does that mean?” Mason questioned.

“It means,” I answered, with tears in my eyes and a warmth flowing through my heart, “that no matter what happens here on this earth—no matter how crazy and chaotic and frustrating it may be—our future is in Heaven with God. His plan is to take us to live with Him forever in Paradise. We can deal with anything if we just remember that.”

Adam seemed pleased with the words, while Mason replied with a shrug, “Oh.”

As we left the restaurant and went back to our busy day, I sent up a thank you to God for that little fortune cookie--out of all the millions of fortune cookies in the world--that He shaped and filled with His message just for me, as if to gently say, "That is why you try.”

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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mole infestation

A few weeks ago we had a baby mole infestation at our house. We live in a country neighborhood, and often see examples of nature in and out of the house. We also have a predatorial house cat, and she prides herself in bringing us gifts.

Well, I’m not sure how these moles came into our house that day—whether the cat brought in a pregnant mother, or the mother or the baby moles came in on their own—but they were definitely in my kitchen under the refrigerator. Four of them. One by one they appeared. It was easy to distinguish them from mice because of their slowness, their stumpier tail, their internal ears, and their claws. They have very limited eyesight, so they couldn’t see us and weren’t afraid of us.

Not that they needed to be afraid of us. We usually just try to take critters that have made it inside, for one reason or another, back outside. But, they DID need to be afraid of Leah, our Queen cat, as we like to call her.

Well, let me recount the story to you. One morning two little moles introduced themselves. They just meandered under our feet, as if it was the most natural thing to do. Upon a few shrieks from us, and apparently catching the scent of the nearby cat, they scurried (if you can say that?) behind a large basket on the floor in a corner. My husband rather easily scooped them up in a large cup and carried them outside.

The next morning, we saw another one walking across our living room floor. And then yet another in the kitchen again. Now, these two creatures could have been the brother and/or sister of the original moles, or perhaps they were the same brave creatures venturing back into dangerous territory. Regardless, they were back. And it seemed each day they grew larger and faster and braver.

We lived with these moles for about a week. They would shuffle just out of reach when we would try to capture them, and we had a difficult time trying to keep them out of our cat’s way. However, one poor soul met his fate in the middle of the night. I heard the battle from my sleeping bed, unsure if it had been a dream. The next morning, though, I happened up the dead body on the floor of our living room. Dear Hubby rather unceremoniously threw it in the woods, leaving its brother or sister alone in the house.

The remaining mole, in its newfound independence, decided to explore the house. It adventured into my closet, under the vanity, under my nightstand and bed, and finally, down the steps into our school room. My eldest son saved the day and the mole when he caught it in my sneaker. He covered the shoe opening with a cloth and carried it outside. We were finally mole-free! Yea! (Later that day a mole was lying dead in our driveway—I can’t say which one it was.)

Now what did I learn from this experience?

First of all, don’t leave your exterior doors open, no matter how nice the day is. Secondly, just like these moles, we tend to venture into dangerous territory sometimes—whether by chance or choice.

For me, I have to stay out of clothing stores and book stores, or else I will spend way too much money. I also have to avoid turning on the TV late at night when I’m preparing for school. The shows I find myself watching (criminal and justice shows) do absolutely nothing to edify me. I also have to guard myself from being alone with chocolate or potato chips.

These temptations for me are strong, and Satan especially knows my weaknesses. He knows how easily I stumble in these areas, so he is relentless in tempting me. For other people it may be some other urge or even addiction. We all have our vices.

So what can we do to avoid these temptations? What should we do when these urges strike? First of all, we should stay where we are safe. In other words, don’t put ourselves in a risky situation.

And if we end up by accident in a precarious place, we should not avoid God’s help. The moles ran from us when we tried to help them, and we often run away from God even though He is so ready to help us out of our perils.

And let’s face it, ladies, as PWs we are being watched, as unfair as it may seem. Not only are our children watching and imitating everything we do, but so are our church members. We have a great responsibility to not stumble ourselves, and to not be stumbling blocks for our congregants.

For me, memorizing and quoting scripture is a powerful tool. And prayer, of course, avails me to God’s amazing strength. I also must carefully listen to His leading, because He promises to not lead me into temptation.

What are some of the spiritual weapons you use to keep yourself safe?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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downsizing and unloading

Here I go again…It is the middle of April, and my life is about to go into a tailspin. There’s my Family Presentations for the evangelistic series to prepare for, VBS to plan, campmeeting to direct, the school year to finish, Eager Beaver Investiture to coordinate, Pathfinder Camporee to attend, etc….. Am I a “typical” PW, or am I the only that does this to myself?

This came to mind after reading Rachael’s post about simplicity (see Monday’s post). I love the Dick and Jane books, and I truly appreciated Rachael’s reminder to live simply. The main reason I quit my job as a teacher 2 years ago was to simplify my life. My hubby and I both felt like life was out of control, and that we and our children were suffering. We found we were just reacting to life, rather than living purposefully. We wanted to be more intentional and proactive with our boys’ upbringing, as well as our ministry. We knew that living off of one income would be tantamount to financial suicide, and that we would have to downsize. In fact, we lost our home over it. However, my husband and I agree that our lives are much more peaceful and simple now than ever before.

Yet, I find myself filling my plate with too many church responsibilities. When I was working full-time, I could excuse myself from duties without guilt or explanation. But now that I’m “not working” people expect more from me. The fact is, even though life may be simpler, I am busier now than I ever was! And to top it off, my house is even messier because we are home (there’s more opportunity to mess it up!). Yes, I am loving the quality time with my children and husband. But I have to constantly pray to God that He will help me to “downsize” my agenda.

As PWs, we fall into the trap that in order to be a part of our husbands’ ministry, we have to be actively involved. I do believe we have the responsbility to work in our churches, as much as every believer. But we need to remember that (in most cases) our husbands are the ones getting paid--not us. The most essential role we have as PWs is to support our husbands, holding them accountable to God and their family, and to bring up our children in a loving, godly home. We have to guard ourselves from the guilt of saying, “I’m sorry, but no.” But easier said than done, right?

God doesn’t want us to overload ourselves so that we can feel important, or because we think we can do it better than anyone else, or because we need to feel validated and affirmed. He does, however, want us to serve where He leads us to serve. So my challenge to myself, and to my fellow PWs, is to downsize and unload. Downsize the to-do list of meaningless tasks. Unload our shoulders of unnecessary responsibilities. Unload our minds of the guilt of not doing enough. Unload our plates of the burden of meeting everyone’s expectations.

Jesus said: "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30.

What has God led you to downsize and unload in your life?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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a sabbath rest

by Julie

I'm sitting in Books A Million in Gulf Shores, Alabama. We are on vacation with my parents, and having a wonderful time. My mother has a friend who owns a beach house here and offered to let us use it. What a blessing! It seems those are the only vacations we ever take--those that are free. A friend invites us somewhere, or we go to visit out-of-town family, or as in this case, extended family takes us with them on their vacation. The payscale of a pastor doesn't lend itself to frequent elaborate vacations at sandy beach resorts or tourist hotspots, does it? In fact, because I am a stay-at-home mom, the pastor's pay doesn't lend itself to ANY vacation! But we are blessed to be able to take advantage of the generosity of friends and family.

The unfortunate thing about utilizing such vacation opportunities is that it may not be a "true" vacation, in the sense of getting away. In our case, we are with my parents and my brother's family (who happens to be on the opposite extreme from us politically and doctrinally). But we are also with church members. You see, my parents belong to our local church. Now don't get me wrong--I love having my parents as church members. They help me with the boys during church service (because we PWs are in fact single mothers at church!), and I can always call on them to "volunteer" when no one else will step up to perform some ministry duty. However, for my PH, this kind of vacation is not really a true vacation. He attempts to set boundaries,such as not discussing church matters, doctrinal issues, etc. However, he just can't get away from it entirely. So his way of dealing with it is to play all day riding the waves on boogy boards with our boys.

This reminds me of our "Sabbath" day. As ministers, the day we worship is no day of rest. Our families are going usually from sun up to way past sun down the entire weekend. We are weekend warriors for our churches. So we have to take a "Sabbath rest" some other time during the week. For our family, that day is Thursday. My oldest son is actually the one who instituted it in our home. It is our family night. Each week one person decides what we will do for that night. It may be board games, playing the Wii, renting a movie, going to the park, making cookies, etc. We are not allowed to complain about what was chosen because it will be our turn to choose another week. The time we spend together is precious and uniterrupted by others. We have come to treasure and guard these family nights.

God instituted the Sabbath in the Garden of Eden, before the Fall. He spent six days creating a perfect paradise, and then He rested. He didn't need to rest from working. It wasn't like He worked so hard that He tired Himself out. Instead the Sabbath was a gift to Adam and Eve so that they could enjoy with Him what He had made for them. The Sabbath is a gift to us too. It is a time when we can stop working to enjoy with Him and with our families and friends what God has created and done for US. We all need to have a time to stop "working" and to "rest."

Now, I am by no means saying that as pastoral families we should make our Sabbath another day during the week than the day we worship with our church family. I am truly blessed by the "work" we do on our Sabbath day. However, we MUST take some time off during the week to just rest: to be free from church responsibilities, school and work. A time to just enjoy being together as a family without church members calling, or sermon prep looming. It is probably more important for pastoral families than anyone else. With out this rest, Satan will be able to use stress and exhaustion and burn out to tear our families, our ministries, and our lives apart. God wants us to take this time off. That's why He gave us the weekly Sabbath. It is up to us to make it happen!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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God Cares

It was the day before church, and I had way too much to do to get ready. As a typical pastor’s wife, I had placed too many things on my plate for the weekend. I had to finish cleaning and cooking for the company we were having after church, prepare for the children’s class I taught weekly, plan the children’s sermon I was supposed to give, review the books of Esther and Ruth with my boys for Bible Bowl that night, and get ready for the scout meeting I was in charge of as well as a training session I was giving. And of course, I had waited until the last minute to do most of it! As I passed by my middle son, Adam, on my way to vacuum the downstairs I did a double take. The poor child was brushing his hair out of his face so he could eat his lunch without eating his own hair. He desperately needed a haircut. All three boys did actually. The problem is, it costs $45, which we didn’t have, to take them to the barber, and we had another week until payday.

I sighed. I knew this day would come, and I had put it off far too long: the day when I would have to cut their hair rather than taking them to a professional. Prior to this time, my husband would take all three in together to an old fashioned barber shop. But we just couldn’t afford it anymore. I cringed at the thought. There is a reason barbers and beauticians go to school and get paid for what they do. Cutting hair is a messy, time consuming, stressful job. My boys are old enough to care how their hair looks, and old enough to blame me if it turns out bad. Plus, I tend to be a perfectionist, and I keep cutting until it looks right. Which usually means I cut way too much off, and the end result is something of a buzz cut.

So I gathered the supplies, my boys, and my courage. My husband set me up on the back porch with a stool, laid out the various sizes of clipper attachments, and wrapped an old sheet around Adam, the bravest, and most in need of a cut. I prayed, took a deep breath, and went to work. The sound of the vibrating machine in my hand put me in a zone, and I imagined myself as an artist, perfecting a work of art.

Three boys and a lot of hair later, I could finally let out the breath I had apparently been holding. We promised the boys they could play with the hose (while they washed the vehicles) in order to rinse off all the loose hairs from their necks, ears, shoulders and it seems every other part of their bodies. I proceeded to sweep up the porch floor. It was a windy day, so a lot of the hair had already blown away. I thought about all the birds that might use it to soften their nests. However, I still swept up four dustpans full!. It was a strange mixture of brown, blonde and red (each child has a different hair color), and it had to number in the gazillions!


I was suddenly struck with a Bible text: “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

WHOA!!! As much hair as I just gathered, I was dumbfounded by the thought that God knew exactly how many there were, as well as how many remained on my children’s heads at that very moment. He cares for them that much. He cares for all of us that much. He knows us that well. Nothing happens to us outside of His will. Sure, we may make choices that go against Him, but He still uses those choices to make His glory known. As big as God is, and as much responsibility as he carries, He still is concerned enough for each little sparrow!

What a comforting thought that was for me on that day. Rather than stressing about how itchy I was, and how much I still had to do, I instead grabbed a Ziploc bag and dumped some hair into it. I called my boys to my side and explained the substance of my epiphany. The face on my 5 year old was especially precious as he tried to fathom it. He said, “When I get to heaven, I’m going to ask God how many hairs I have!” As I cuddled with my children, and shared God’s love with them, I felt a sweet peace flood over me. I thought of all the things I needed to do yet, and I gave them to God. He would help me accomplish what needed to be accomplished. Hey, I realized, at least I had my children’s story now!


© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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what’s in a name?

What’s in a name? What is so important about a title? The importance lies in the identity that name or title places upon the bearer—whether that identity is in fact authentic or not. As the wife of a pastor, I am often given a title that may or may not appropriately belong to me.

There is the ubiquitous “Pastor’s Wife.” Most of my church members introduce me as “the Pastor’s wife,” and often neglect to even mention my name. I guess that is my name. The name implies that I am who I am because of the fact that I am married to a pastor—or The Pastor. Of course that is true, somewhat. I am who am because of the life I have lived with my husband, and the life I have lived in service to the Lord. But isn’t my husband who he is because of the fact that he is married to me? No one ever call’s him “Julie’s husband,” or “the Pastor’s Wife’s Husband.” No, he is simply “The Pastor.”

Then there is the title “First Lady,” which I never heard until we took a multicultural church. I’m not sure how that one makes me feel. Does that mean I have to always act like a “lady?” I am definitely not the perrineal lady. I prefer to live in sweats or jeans and sneakers, and I am the first one to change out of my church clothes after the church service—even if there are more events to come during the day. Plus, I have three boys and a very boyish husband; so being ladylike is not very fitting. And what about “first?” Is that referring to my status, or my timeliness? Because I am not the most punctual of people. In fact, as long as I arrive within 5 minutes of the start time—before or after—then I consider myself on time. (Whereas my husband feels that if you are “just” on time, then you are in fact late!)

I have other titles as well. There’s “Sister Pastor,” “Mrs. Pastor,” and even “Sister Brad.” (My husband’s name is Brad). Some call me "Sister Julie," "Sister Cassell," or even one young man calls me "Dr. C," (don't ask me why!). But not many people call me by just my name, with no title attached. Is that out of respect, or is it a barrier? Is it related to how hard it is for pastoral spouses to find a true friend in their church? (But we’ll discuss that in another post.)

So, who am I? I don’t really mind being called all of the aforementioned titles, as long as I know who I am. All I know is that I am Julie. I am the wife of a pastor, and the mother of three crazy but precious boys. But more than that, I am who I am because of my position in Christ. Because Jesus died on the cross for me, I can call God my Father. He calls me by name, and He knows my innermost being. He loves me for who I am, and for who He created me to be. I am the daughter of the King. So I guess that means you can just call me “Princess Julie.”

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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