traditions and rituals...

Like any other category of the population, we pastor families have a rich variety in tradition and customs. Each of us does things differently.

In our family, I always tell the children's story when my husband preaches. That way I can match the teaching time for the kids to the theme of his sermon. Other than that, I don't do anything or accept any jobs in a new church for at least the first 6 months - so I can have time to get settled at home and get to know people at church before taking responsibilities of any kind.

And when we move to a new district, we usually try to host an come-and-go open house as soon as we get moved in. That way we can get acquainted with people in a comfortable, casual environment and let them know where we live and that our home is a place of welcome.

Everyone has a different way of doing things - and we can all benefit from hearing how things are done in other PW homes.

Do you have a tradition for when you move to a new church? How about a family night tradition that your children love?
Do you have a ritual that you do the night before church? Or in the afternoon after church?


What do you do as a pastor family that makes you unique?

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are you a blogger? do you twitter?

Happy Monday, everyone.

As I read other PWs blogs and tweets and see how they share their personal lives with the world, I often wonder what it looks like from the other side of the screen — from the member's perspective. And I wonder how blogging and twittering is helping to change the way member's views of pastor's wives in general and their pastor's wife in particular.

I bet it makes us look like real people and maybe makes us more approachable. I bet sometimes it may have created problems from things that were said...

What experience have you bloggers and twitterers had with members reading your blogs? How has it impacted your relationships with the members?

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private vs. public school

As pastors' wives we often feel pressure from all sides, our husband's, church members, church boards, etc. about a variety of issues. Have any of you ever felt (or feel) pressure to send your children to a private Christian school vs. public school? Or even to send your kids to a particular private school or preschool (maybe one closely associated with your local church)?

Where do you have your children? How did you make decisions about your children's schooling and was the decision influenced at all by your husband's role as a pastor?

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calling all bookworms...

We know you're all busy. Some of you meet yourselves coming and going each day, and you wonder just how to get everything done.

But in between the cracks, we've all read at least one really REALLY good book. You know the kind - that book that inspired you to be more like Jesus, or that helped you through a crisis, or that answered some burning question for you.

We'd like to feature book reviews from CLUTCH readers. They don't have to be long and complex, or brilliantly witty. They just need to say:

1) the title, author, edition and where to get it
2) why you loved the book
3) a synopsis of what you learned from it
4) why other PWs should read it

We want to keep our posts relevant to PW life, so we're especially looking for reviews on books that somehow helped you become a better pastor's wife - spiritually, emotionally, practically - whatever works. It's just got to tie into life in the ministry in our special calling as PWs...

Write us at clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com to share about your favorite book.

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making it all about Jesus...

It's pretty easy to get caught up in the business of living. Sometimes we all lose focus on being daughters of God. It seems easy to forget why we exist, even when we are living lives of everyday ministry to others as a pastoral family.

So let's share some ideas together. What are the little things that you do to keep daily activities all about Jesus? To keep your own spiritual focus?

How do you remind yourself that our whole purpose of existence is to share Jesus with others through everything we do?

Do you:

• play sacred music as you do housework instead of leaving the TV on?
• keep a little pack of scripture memory verses by the toilet instead of magazines?
• put inspirational quotes on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror?

Or something totally different and creative?

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taking a day off

Recently, Craig Groeschel (senior pastor of lifechurchtv) asked on his blog if pastors are diligent about talking a day off... a sabbath, whose time they seriously and intentionally guard. A time to renew (not necessarily catch up on home errands). Read the post and the comments here. The comments posted were very interesting, and I wondered the whole time what it was like for the PW.

Is not taking a regularly-scheduled day off a problem of an older generation? Is our under-40 crowd more conscious of the need not to overwork, and more mindful of our family's needs?

How do you and your husband regularly unplug from the 24 hr. demands of ministry?

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do you friend your members on facebook?

I'm sort of a Facebook snob. I'm constantly deleting people (who aren't interacting) and I've been known to "ignore" people's friend requests. In one instance, I have a friend request from a church member just sitting in there waiting for me to take action. This person never speaks to me (more than "hello") in the real world. I'm a little apprehensive about letting people into my Facebook life who don't already know me in some tangible way. I don't want Facebook to be a place where I have to censor myself because "so-and-so may read this."

But what kind of a snotty PW am I if I deny members the opportunity to connect with me...even if it's through Facebook (which may be more comfortable for them)?

What are your thoughts on this ladies? I'm open to being corrected. How do you mesh social networking, your private life and ministry?

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talking about accountability...

Last autumn, I attended a PW Retreat with about 100 other women from my general area. We listened to good speakers, had a late night pajama party, went walking in nature, and sat in rocking chairs talking for hours.

One of the main points the retreat leaders talked about that weekend was "accountability". The idea that every PW should have another trusted PW friend that she can talk to, confide in, pray with and mutually support. A woman of godly wisdom and earthly common sense...

I've done a lot of thinking about that since then. Praying that God will bring me someone to fill that role. Unlike some PW's I know, I was blessed with an amazing and godly mother who has often worn these shoes. But as a laywoman she can't always grasp the nuances of the tightrope we walk as PWs. So I've tried to figure out what "accountability" really means.

For me, having a PW accountability partner means someone:
- bold/brave enough to call me on my nonsense
- spiritually discerning
- fun enough to get me out of my box
- willing to be real and authentic
- discreet and trustworthy
- whose life is guided by scripture rather than just culture

Do you have a PW friend who keeps you accountable to grow and improve? What does accountability look like to you?

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when pastors get together

Every region, church, and/or denomination does it differently. But almost everyone has some time every year where pastors get together for meetings and retreat. Congregational churches may get all their staff together to plan out the next year. Others may gather with the staff of a few churches at once.

Our church has pastors' meetings twice every year - January and July. We gather at this fabulous retreat center with about 150 other pastors from across our state. Families are encouraged to attend for the three-weekday-long retreat.

For the first 3 years, I hated it. Twice a year I would tag along, bury myself in work on my laptop, and spend the entire time in our room - coming out only for meals. I felt lonely, isolated, and unwelcome.

All the other pastor's wives in my age group either worked at jobs that didn't allow them to attend, or (if they attended) already had a passel of kids. As a late-20-something with no kids and a demanding career - I felt like a total outsider. I'd have loved to dialogue with some of the pastors, but I learned a long time ago that most male pastors don't know what to do with a woman who has strong opinions about ministry/outreach/service/evangelism/theology, etc.

(Fortunately, God gave me to a husband that is secure enough in his masculinity not to be threatened by all my opinions on things!)

So I kept my mouth shut, and wondered if I would EVER make a friend among the other PWs.

A few months ago, after 3 years of wishing - I finally began to make friends. Our January retreat is this week, and I can't wait to see Holly, Elizabeth & Denise.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who wonders where I fit in the complex life of my husband's colleagues. So how about you? Whether you have a local staff retreat or a big regional one like ours, where do you fit in?

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who is your PH's wardrobe consultant?

If you got a chance to check out Holly Furtick's blog (mentioned in yesterday's interview) you probably saw that her husband, Steven, was interviewed for the Style section of her local newspaper. In it he credits Holly for his style. "When I was in college I had no sense of style and then I met Holly, and we dated in college, and she's been my wardrobe consultant ever since." He also advises other ministers to, in matters of wardrobe and style, "get some help. Ask your wife."

So, are you your PH's wardrobe consultant too? Who does he go to for style advice? How intentional are y'all, as a ministry couple, about the image you portray through your clothes?

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what do you call your PH?

My PH (pastor-husband) and I were talking the other day about what people at church call the pastor. He's a pretty informal, down-to-earth guy, but he still prefers members to attach the "Pastor" handle to his name.

On the flip side, I correct people when they call me Sister M or Mrs. M... I feel like that's my mother-in-law, not me. I prefer that people call me by my first name.

Sometimes I've found it tricky when I am trying to get his attention or addressing him in a public setting. I don't really like calling out "Ben!" It feels funny. At the same time, I have to be intentional about calling him Pastor Ben. It doesn't come naturally.

I attended an informal pastor's wife/fiance/girlfriend class when he was in undergrad and the leader insisted that we should, without exception, address our PH as Pastor X (last name) in the presence of church members. I think that tradition, if it ever was one, is dead for the new breed (us) of PWs. What do you think? I don't think members should take their cues about what to call the pastor (or any other person) from their spouse. If I call him honey or baby or sweetheart in public, that doesn't give anyone else the right to call him that. So, why should calling him by his first name be any different?

More questions for ya:
What do members call your PH? What does your PH prefer to be called (by his members)? What do you call him at church or in social settings with members?

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his day off

Due to our husbands' unconventional schedules, it's oftentimes necessary to do creative things with time management in order to make married life and family life work. You need a day to catch up on things around the house, do family things, run errands or relax with a good book or favorite TV show. Some pastors choose to use their day off as a sabbatical of sorts, where they disconnect from all errands, responsibilities, stresses and concerns and commune with God.

So, tell us about your husband's day off. Is it always the same day each week? Do you get to spend it together with him? If so, how do y'all spend it? Have you made any "rules" about his day off? Do the church members know to respect that day?

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the typical pastor's wife

I've often heard PWs of all ages, of all different gifts, personalities and lifestyles and interests say that they're "not the typical pastor's wife." I suppose on some level, no one wants to be the "typical" anything. But that got me thinking... what is the typical pastor's wife?

What elements define the stereotypical pastor's wife? How do you fit into that description? In what ways do you break the mold?

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