PMS WEEK:: mentorship tips

Tips:

1. Do your homework. Find out who mentors the person you are interested in asking to be your mentor.

2. Have a plan. Be clear on what you are expecting out of the relationship and where you want to grow to.

3. If you are doing group mentoring, or instruction based training, get as much information and resources, specific to your needs as you can. Don't be shy and especially if your paying for it, speak up. Many times the speaker is reading the audience and will go in the direction of questions.

4. Do take risks in your relationship, don't be afraid of disclose. Your hurt can only turn into a scar when it's been healed. Sometimes one word, one sentence, one highlight from scripture interpretation can set you on the right track.

5. Always asks for best practices. Implementing them will save you time, energy and heartache.

6. Mentoring gives you accountability, embrace it.

Resources:

In Spring of 2012, CLUTCHtalk will be bringing to you CLUTCHtalk mentoring groups. Additional information to come. If you are interested in leading a CLUTCHtalk mentoring group, email Sarah@CLUTCHtalk.org.

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PMS WEEK:: mentorship can transform your life (part 2)

We've established that mentoring makes you a better you. There are various types of mentoring to engage in. I've listed a few below.

• One-on-One Mentoring
• Group Mentoring
• Training-Based Mentoring
• Executive Mentoring

Mentoring is a process of the experienced advising the inexperienced. Instructional based counseling given from real-life experience. Most mentors love mentoring, it's self fulfilling, their way of giving back. Some mentoring relationships that begin are intentional, others are naturally developed as a relationship evolves. It IS okay to ask someone to be your mentor as well. Be clear on what you are expecting from the relationship, but never be afraid. A good mentor often flows with the power of suggestion. Not making decisions for you, but throwing suggestions on the table of how they would handle it, have handled it or potential for your existing situation.

Mentoring has personally transformed my life. My husband and I purchased our first home when we were 19 & 20 years old, that's young homeowners for you in the 90's. Wouldn't of happened without a mentor. By the time I was 21, I was in a managerial position making more money annually then some men made to support their families of four. Definately, would not have happened without a mentor. My corporate mentoring began at age 17, (graduated-early birthday). Mentoring coupled with God's favor took me to Executive level work by my mid twenties, I was ramping up, expanding and managing companies with local, national and global cliental.

All the while my life as a Pastor's Wife suffered. I wasn't typical or traditional by the slightest and did I mention for the majority of my church life I had a female pastor. So I never saw one modeled with the exception of when I was a child and frankly she was an overbearing terror and hurt a lot of people back then. I didn't know how to be a supportive ministry wife. I knew how to co-labor with my husband because it came natural but all the in's and out's of ministry, then life in the ministry with children. Ha, ha, I learned first and did the best I could. In 2003, I found my first Pastor's Wife mentor. She was our new Senior Pastor's wife. Our relationship taught me so much. Over the years, I have added other mentors as our personal network grew. The best gift they have given me, is the gift of best practices. Every PW goes through different seasons. It was different before we had the boys, when they were infants, toddlers and now pre-school and 1st grade.

I continue to grow my sphere of mentors and especially with a new church where we are the founding pastors. Mentoring never ends. Your mentor may change, but please keep receiving mentoring.

Tomorrow we will have a list of different resources for you. A place to start and reach out to find yourself a mentor!

And you know, a side note, maybe you are ready to be a mentor. Your life experiences count for more then what you may think. There are people out there waiting to hear your voice!

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PMS WEEK:: mentorship can transform your life (part 1)

Mentoring is our PMS topic of the week. Did you realize mentoring is relational and coaching is functional? Both are different yet tend to cross lanes?

I thought about writing the difference between coaching and mentoring. Then I thought I'd break down compatibility vs. comparability. Later I brainstormed I could elaborate on how to find a mentor, what to look for in a mentor and how to be a good mentoree. Instead, I decided to tell you stories, true stories and we'll cover the other details tomorrow in part 2.

(names have been changed)

Mike and Emily have been married three years. In three years their credit score has gone from excellent to no one will lend you a dollar. They lost their home, they drive a not so new car and their financial world came crumbling down when Mike accepted a position at a church and well, never got paid. After month one, the salary was suppose to be dispersed and it didn't come. Behind one bill here then there, then it turned into a mudslide. Mike didn't want to verbally slam the Pastor but at the same time his financial world was falling a part. Mike and Emily felt like failures, how could they be following God and this happens. He obviously had to quit and find another position else where but as you are going through an ugly process especially where money and people are involved it's very hard. Emily reached out to her mentor because she began to grow resentful of the money and ministry situation. A lot of times when you are walking through a situation, you need a corner man. Someone to look in from the outside and tell you what they see. Emily was willing to disclose, that means overcoming trust barriers, self branding complex, and reach out for help. Emily reaching out, helped save her marriage, their finances and their ministry.

Janie Joe was married to Johnny Jacobs. Together they looked so happy, but in reality they had mastered the art of being fake. Janie Joe and Johnny Jacobs really hated each other. The thought of one another made them sick. They stayed together because it was easy. I believe he said and I quote "It is cheaper to keep her." Every week he'd man the pulpit and week after week the congregation would decline. He finally was consumed with anger all the time. He'd verbally lash out at Janie Joe and the kids. Finally at a breaking point Janie Joe reached out to a mentor. Someone who had walked in the ministry shoes she walked in. They offered prayer, and became actively involved in helping restore this couple. But what if Janie Joe had a mentor from the on set. What could have been.....

Jack and Susie are planting a church. They have no funds and have used his last paycheck to start the church. They are definitely called but their strategy for taking their city is not aligned correctly. They have a great heart and good intentions. For six years, their church plant struggled. Their core team quite after the first two years, they simply were unable to get it up. Should they have had network support, the opportunity to learn from other leaders experiences how different would their life have been? Six years, eight years later they are still in the boat of beginning stages.

These are just tiny pieces to huge, long, three hour stories. But I want to convey to you the need for a mentor. We all have our own stories. Some super easy and fun, others rough and rugged. Tomorrow we will cover how to find a mentor? What to expect and a few other key points.

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PMS WEEK::mentoring can be scary

Yes, we know, the idea of finding a mentor can be daunting. But the idea of living out ministry without a support network is scary too.

Finding a mentor, and accepting mentorship, requires a certain sense of humility. An acknowledgement that you don't actually know everything. A willingness to trust.

And then there's the flip side. No matter how long you've been a PW - odds are that someone you'll meet is even less experienced. So are you brave enough to share what you've learned? Are you honest and open enough to pass on the lessons God has given you so far, in a spirit of sweetness and understanding, to someone who might benefit?

Titus 2 tells us that it is important for older women to train younger women (or, in the PW case, more experienced women to mentor those less experienced), so that "they will not bring shame on the word of God." (Titus 2:5, NLT)

Ever thought about it that way? Mentorship can help us avoid bringing shame to God. We might learn something from someone else's story that would keep us from making innocent mistakes. Or another PW might be able to help us wrestle through something not so accidental.

Either way, it's worth it!

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PMS WEEK::the mistake of going it alone

Life alone is tough. Especially as a pastor's wife.

"I'm not alone!" you say? "I have my family, my husband, my friends..." 

Okay, fine. Maybe you have a thriving social life. But that's not really what we're talking about. We're talking about mentorship. To whom do you go when you can't figure something out? Which sources do you probe for ministry answers? 

Do you just get the opinions of your friends? Or your siblings? Or your parents? Maybe they will have very wise counsel, but odds are - unless they are also pastor's wives, they won't be able to understand the whole story.

So it's important to seek out mentors who can be there when we need to pray, need to cry, need to receive counsel or process through an issue we are facing.

Do you have a mentor? Have you wished you did? This week we'll talk more about it.

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fish bowl...

LaRae and her husband are missionaries in a Muslim country in West Africa, where they are developing a public health clinic to serve the medical needs of the people in their village. They live with occasional electricity and running water, and have a son who is 3 years old.

I suspect that most all of you reading this blog can understand the fish bowl experience. You know, where everyone watches everything you do and discusses it, sometimes giving you their unsolicited opinion?  

There were times growing up that I remember being angry that my parents were asking me to submit my feelings and desires to the example that I should live as a Christian. My parents were very wise and made it clear that this example was asked of me by God, not just because I was the pastor’s daughter. Somehow, they were able to get this point across to me without me being angry or bitter at God. 

It made sense and I knew that God would provide the strength I needed. Even though I'm human and I often have my “poor me, I have to be responsible” attitude. Yet, the experiences made me a better person and in many ways more able to submit to God’s calling on my life than I would be naturally. (I  still need to learn to submit without having my pouting spell first, though!)

The fish bowl experience has become very literal here in Africa where we live now. There are bars on the windows of our house, but no screens yet. 

The kids here are very curious and like to climb up the bars and peer into the house to see what we have or what we are doing. It took a while to get curtain rods and make curtains, and there are still some windows and doors that are not covered. There is no end to the kids climbing and looking. 

I feel like a broken record sometimes: “Don’t climb the window!” I say it over and over to the same kids day in and day out. Some are starting to learn, but not all.

Some days I get so impatient and angry. There have been times when I haven't treated the kids as I believe Jesus would treat them. Then I feel guilty and I reflect on my example. Why do I get so upset? Why can’t I be more creative in dealing with this situation? When I lose my temper and lose my focus on Jesus -- my example is also lost.

Jesus lived day in and day out with 12 men, and to a great degree in front of the eyes of anyone who  chose to follow Him and “look into His windows.” Yes, he took time to be alone and pray, but for the most part He lived in a fish bowl.

LaRae's African house and garden

Today I realized that there are others who watch my every move, even if they aren't climbing my windows. I choose to teach my 3 year old son to sit with me during church, sit still (for the most part) and be quiet. He is required to kneel when we kneel, stand when we stand, show reverence during prayer and whisper if he must say something.


Sometimes I feel overly strict, especially since most kids here are allowed to wander in and out of church and don't show any respect for prayer or the worshipers. But in church today I noticed another mother being more attentive to how her 4 year old was acting.

Somehow her action struck me hard. This wasn’t the only thing the church members have changed since we came. Mind you, this is a very small church so it's easy to watch each other. :) 

Without ever saying a word about how to parent, how to behave in church, how to... I was seeing others start to mimic my behaviors and ask my advice. It made me ask myself some tough questions. What example am I setting? Is the way I live leaving a mark that will bless and enhance life here or will it have a negative effect? What perception of God and faith am I giving?

Not only are church members and children watching, but the whole village AND my own son.  God, help me surrender my selfishness to You and live to You!

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.” Matthew 5:14

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5 friends every young PW needs...

• a PW your age who is at the same place in life. She knows what you're going through, because she went through it last week. You either both have kids or both don't, and have been married and in ministry about the same length of time. Her philosophies on life, ministry and parenting are similar to yours, and you can bounce ideas off each other without worrying what the other thinks. Most of all, you can trust her to be discreet.

• a PW older than you who can still remember what it felt like when she was your age. She is your mentor, confidante, advisor and friend. You can go to her when you want counsel rather than commiseration, when you need a godly woman's perspective. Her unvarnished feedback might sting sometimes, but helps you grow, and you know she loves you even though you're not perfect. Most of all, you know she's honest with you no matter what.
  
•  a totally NOT PW who is not a parishioner in your husband's church. She is someone fun and lively, spontaneous and full of laughter. You can go to her when you need to destress, relax, and let your hair down. Her company is enjoyable and invigorating, and she's full of encouragement and sass. She has great insights on things as someone outside pastoral ministry, and gives you a balancing view. Most of all, you can be real around her without worrying about what she thinks.
  
• a non-PW role model who is the embodiment of the godly woman you want to be. She oozes class, smarts, style and sweetness. You observe what she does and how she does it, and those observations make you dream bigger. Her qualities are something you'd like to see when you look in the mirror someday - and she may not even know it! Most of all, she inspires you toward greatness.
  
• a younger PW who is going through what you have already experienced. She looks up to you, seeks your opinion, and appreciates your stories, coaching and wisdom. You share what you've learned, not as an expert, but as a fellow traveler in the PW journey. Her admiration is a source of accountability to you, keeping you focused. Most of all, she gives you someone to pray for and encourage.

These five women probably won't all be in your life at the same time. If you're lucky, one or two of them will live close enough that you can actually hang out in person on a regular basis. Many of these relationships will probably stay alive through phone calls, emails, and social networks - but it helps just to know that they're there!

PS: If you've got a fabulous friend who falls into one of these categories - feel free to leave a shoutout comment below. And then send them a link to the post so they know how much you appreciate them! 

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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finding a PW mentor...

It can be tough PWing alone.

Really tough.

Sometimes it feels like we're right there with Elijah when he wailed to God that he was the ONLY faithful prophet left in the whole wide world! (Of course he wasn't, and God reminded him so, but he still felt totally alone.)

Western society doesn't really offer much in the way of social structures for mentoring, so we girls sometimes have to create our own opportunities. For the shy among us, this can be pretty daunting. But the payoff is amazing.

For me, having a few good mentors has made all the difference. I'm blessed to have a Christian mother whose insights are usually spot on. But now and then I've realized that even a great mom can't carry the burden of knowing all PW details. Not having been a PW herself, despite her deep spiritual maturity, there's some things she just can't relate to. And sometimes it's better for her not to know when I'm dealing with a particularly difficult person - it's just too hard to sit back and not defend me.

So I've sought out other wise women, other Mothers in Israel, who can provide insights and intuitive suggestions for challenging situations. Some of them are mostly by email, others offer advice when we chat online. One or two are the type who don't mind me calling for advice out of the blue.

And a few have blossomed into personal friendships that span the generations and have become rare treasures.

I've learned though, that while today's culture fails to provide formal mentoring structures, it also has negatively affected older and younger women's interaction. Younger women often tend to feel that the older generation is completely out of touch, instead of revering them for their wisdom and experience. And while there are always those older women who offer unwelcome and unsolicited advice - I've found that most of them are on the opposite end. They feel intimidated into isolation and silence by the younger generation, as though they worth has passed with the peak of their beauty and usefulness. As a result, many are hesitant to share even when their insights would be welcomed.

It took me a while to get past my fear of approaching older women and asking for their wisdom, but once I discovered that most of them responded with surprised pleasure, I realized it wasn't so hard.

So if you feel a longing for mentorship and just don't know where to get started, here's what I'd suggest:

• pray about it; ask God to help you know whom to ask
• genuinely approach the woman you'd like to know better, and ask if she'd be willing to get together sometime and pass on some of her accumulated wisdom
• be open to learning from unexpected sources - not all of your great mentors will be PWs, although many of them may
• just listen to what they have to say, and ask God which parts he wants you to learn from, realizing that not everything may directly apply to you

How about you? Do you have a mentor or more than one? Who do you turn to for wise, godly counsel? How did you find them? Have you ever actually asked someone to be your mentor?

What would you say to a young PW who wants to find a mentor and doesn't know where to start?

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an open letter to seasoned pastor's wives - part 2

In case you need a little boost to get the mentoring juices flowing, here are a few ideas. There are many other ways you could inventively connect with the younger PWs around you, if you just use your imagination and put your natural gifts to work.

• try starting a mentorship initiative in your church (for multi-staff churches), area, district, conference, region (or however your denomination is organized). Match older PWs with younger ones, and get the word out to all PWs. Have a place where younger PWs can sign up if they desire a mentor. Let the pastor-husbands know about it too, so that they can support their wives' efforts to participate. And if your area already has something similar - go join in! Here's an example of what one woman did.
  

• notice the new PWs that attend regional pastors meetings. Don't assume they already have friends and mentors. Go talk to them, find out where they live and invite them for a lunch date if they are close by. Swap phone numbers. Share email addresses. Go get on Facebook and make yourself a profile so you can connect with the younger women more easily.

• be a listening ear. Don't act like you know all the answers to every problem, but instead offer to share your story. "When that happened to me a few years ago, this is how we handled it, and it worked out okay. Maybe you could do something similar..." Let younger PWs glean from your wisdom and see how your experience might fit into their lives.

• host a panel discussion where younger PWs can ask questions. Offer follow-up mentoring. Invite as many women as possible to participate and have a nice meal together to foster social connections.

• spend a few evenings compiling your own little "book of wisdom." Add your stories and experiences. Scrounge up your best recipes. List the books or resources that gave you direction and guidance in your own journey. Give the younger women around you the gift of sharing what you wish you had known at their age. Even more, give them the tools to figure out what they need to know for themselves.

• if you have no idea how to be a mentor, Becoming a Woman of Influence: Making a Lasting Impact on Others by Carol Kent is an excellent resource. Begin asking God to mold you and use you in this way.
  

It's not that complicated. It's just about being yourself. And about getting connected with someone a generation removed from you, but who might not be so different. And it's about going outside your comfort zone to remember how lonely you once were, so that the young women around you don't have to feel like you did.

Most of all, it's about following Scripture and mentoring another into godly womanhood.

What other mentoring ideas would you offer a seasoned PW?

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an open letter to seasoned pastor's wives - part 1

Dear Seasoned PWs,

I need you. We need you. The younger pastor's wives in your life need you. When we see you at various events, we need more than a “how are you doing? Good to see you.” Have you ever thought about prayerfully choosing one of us, befriending us, offering yourself for more than just a casual relationship?

I don’t have to tell you that being a pastor’s wife comes with a unique set of struggles, challenges and joys that only another pastor’s wife would understand. But maybe you’re not aware of how much many of us would like one of you, who’ve been there, done that, to take us under your wing. We don’t necessarily need mothering (though it might be nice to have a local mother, when our biological mothers aren’t nearby), and we certainly don’t want smothering, but how about some gentle guidance, sincere advice, or just a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to? We want you to be our mentors. Will you be a Titus 2 mentor, encouraging us and training us "to love [our] husbands and [our] children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in [our] homes, to do good, and to be submissive to [our] husbands?"

Will you be intentional about sharing your experiences with us?

How do you deal with members who want to get closer to your family (or your husband!) than you're comfortable? How do you make your home a haven for your husband? What are some valuable lessons you've learned? Will you admit to some mistakes you made along the way? How do you deal with expectations? And what about practical knowledge… Do you attend every graduation party for your members? Does every new mother get a gift from the pastor’s family? How do you develop friendships without being exclusive and cliquish? Are you part of the church leadership team?

You’d be surprised at the type of relationship that you might develop with one of us too. You never know, we may be able to inspire you… to spread your wings, be more of who you are, and break away from the box that has defined pastor’s wives for generations. We want a real relationship with you.

Your life is a storehouse overflowing with wisdom and invaluable knowledge. Please share. Let’s do lunch.

In love,

A younger PW

***

Do any of you have a PW mentor? If not, do you wish you did? What questions do you have for older PWs?

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