dear abigail::what about over-sharing, blackmail, and witchcraft?

Dear Abigail,
I'm writing with emotion after a conversation with my husband, so please bear with me. A lady in our town prayed for a bible-believing pastor to come, for about 20 years.

Not long after we moved here (my husband's first pastorate after seminary), she heard of him and realized her praying had worked. Here he was: God's gift to her. She is a very dedicated Christian and very spiritual, I have no doubt. But she has tried some things that make me feel enraged.

My husband happened to mention in passing that we own some of the Harry Potter books and movies. It does not bother us. I do not believe that by reading well-written FICTION that I am going to start holding seances instead of bible studies. She believes that having it in our house is holding him back spiritually and blessings are not coming because of it.

She proposed to give us a large amount of money for student loans IF we agreed to several of her terms: including getting rid of anything Harry Potter, reading a book on Spiritual Housekeeping, and more. After counseling with other pastors and mentors, we declined her offer. They advised that if she wants to give money as a gift without strings that would be fine, but not with a list of conditions.

The issue has now come up again. This morning she told my husband that she cannot continue to worship under him unless he gets rid of the Harry Potter. He keeps thinking to the verse in Corinthians (forgive the paraphrasing) about when a weaker brother struggles with something, we should give up that something as well. I always thought that this teaching meant "if you go out to dinner with a good friend who's an alcoholic, don't order a drink". Not "if a parishioner thinks the color on the walls is detrimental to our spirituality, change it"!

I'm quite upset about this. I truly feel that she is acting in an un-Christ like manner. I don't think my husband is a worse Christian or a worse pastor because of a novel that sits on our shelf. I'm worried about where this could lead.

Does this mean we remove all things magical, like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Do I get rid of every book written by a non-Christian author? Do I refuse to let my best friend of over 20 years in our house because she is recently divorced? What happens if we choose to homeschool our soon instead of sending him to the "blue ribbon public school" in town?

I feel that if we decide to get rid of certain things, like Harry Potter, it should be our choice of what's best for our family and our house, not because someone has a different opinion. I hate the boundary this lady has crossed into our personal life and I hate the rift this is driving between me and my husband. We have a very good marriage and I certainly don't want something like this to change that.

Thank you, dear Abigail, for your listening ear.

Sincerely,
Veronique

Dear Veronique,

This woman's actions have obviously got you steaming, and for good reason. Pastoral families often face tougher "private" choices than any parishioner, because of our life in the fishbowl.

I see three separate issues in your letter: the sharing, the blackmail, and the material. Let's deal with the sharing first.

At the beginning of ministry, many young pastors (and wives) have grand notions of being totally  open with their new congregations. There is lots of buzz about transparency in ministry today. Now I would never urge you to be two-faced, or secretive, or opaque to the people in your church. We need to be consistent, trustworthy ministers of integrity. But families who have pastored for a few years will almost all tell you that they had to learn to keep family information at home - with the family.

Your husband probably had no idea that his passing mention of Harry Potter would cause such a firestorm. And you can't always know what will trigger such reactions. But there is a cultivated art to learning how to be warm, friendly, approachable and interested in people - without over-revealing the details of your family's private life. You never know what some people will do with personal information about you. Discretion is often the better part of wisdom as a pastor's family. You know the text: "Be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves." (Matthew 10:16)

Now, about the blackmail.

It is never okay for a church member to hold your husband, his ministry, or your family hostage based on their personal opinions and convictions. You would never do that to them, right? The offer of money in exchange for gaining control over your family life is completely unacceptable. You were absolutely right to graciously decline her offer.

When she came back, saying she could no longer worship under your husband's leadership, I'm sure that hurts. But it is still her choice. Your husband can not, and should not, sacrifice his integrity just to make her stay. If he can say, in his heart, that he has done everything appropriate to encourage her to stay, and she still chooses to leave, then he needs to be at peace that God will sort it out in His time.

Caving to her forceful manner and spiritual extortion will only open your family and your ministry to all kinds of manipulation and distortion in the future. Acts 5:29 is especially applicable here: "We ought to obey God, rather than man."

And finally, the material.

While I would strongly urge you not to make lifestyle choices based on intimidation from church members, when someone raises a lifestyle question that challenges you it's always wise to be SURE that your choice is okay with God.

Many might disagree, but I do not believe that Harry Potter and CS Lewis fall into the same category. You shouldn't be in any danger of needing to toss out The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. CS Lewis openly acknowledged that his allegories were designed to illustrate the gospel for children, and his use of witches is always aligned with their evil role against Aslan, the Lion who is Christ.

Harry Potter, on the other hand, even though it is a novel - portrays witchcraft as being a good, desirable thing, as long as it is used for good purposes. Each book gets progressively darker, and it tantalizingly familiarizes children with sorcery, making witchcraft seem as innocent as any other hobby or pastime.

Both the Old and New Testaments speak strongly against all forms of witchcraft, leaving no room for fictional enjoyment of it. Deuteronomy 18:10-11 says "Let no one be found among you who... practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead."

Galatians talks about witchcraft too, lumping it in with some pretty ugly sins like immorality, debauchery, fits of rage, orgies, etc. Paul says, "I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." (Galatians 5:19-21) Acts 19:19 says that people who came to believe in Jesus publicly burned everything they had about witchcraft, including their books and scrolls.

No one can dictate your conscience, and the lady in your church obviously has a controlling and un-Christlike attitude. But while you conscientiously reject her manipulation, prayerfully be sure that God isn't asking you to go ahead and make a different choice for reasons of his own.

~ABIGAIL

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dear abigail::what about when the hurt just won't go away

After a summer hiatus, DEAR ABIGAIL is answering your letters again.

My husband and I have been in ministry for almost twenty years now.  For the past 3 years we've been in a church that has both the sweetest, and the most viciously power hungry people I've ever seen.

We pray, we fast, we've started a prayer warriors group.  Things seem like they are getting better and then . . . the other shoe drops.  I am not a particularly sensitive person.  Things that would bother many people roll off of my back.  But since we've been here, my heart has been broken repeatedly.  I'll think I'm doing fine and then, it happens again. 

What do you do when your heart just never really mends? When the pain just keeps going deeper and deeper?  I've prayed to God so many times, sometimes for hours and hours - until the pain goes away. But, I'm finding that I am somewhat discouraged with God right now, although He IS my life. 

I keep praying, but I also keep hurting.  We are not planning to move from here.  We love our home, we believe that God brought us here and even want to retire here.  I've grown a lot through these few years of pain and frustration, but now I feel  . . .  frustrated, hurt, confused and wounded. 

Dear Wounded,
It sounds like you are serving in a very tough district. It might even seem easier if it were all negative, so that you wouldn't let your guard down during the good times!

There is nothing I can write here to fully take away your anguish - although I wish that I could. However, I can remind you that you are not alone. Many other PWs can relate - including myself. Your description sounds much like our very first district. The near-demonic cruelty among the "saints" nearly drove my husband out of the ministry in his first year as a pastor.

One of the most crucial things to remember is that their actions are not necessarily personal. Vicious, power-hungry people would be acting this same way no matter who the pastor might be. Their viciousness and their insatiable need to control things did not begin when you arrived - it has likely been their reality for a long, long time.

You are already praying for God to heal your broken heart. But have you prayed for God to break their hearts as well? Not in a cruel sense, but in giving them such a powerful awareness of their own selfishness and sinful actions that their hearts are broken in regret. A heart-breaking over how they have hurt God and others, and of how much they need Jesus' grace and transformation power.

Have you prayed for God to do whatever it takes to get their attention, to bring them to Himself, to awaken them to their need of Him?

Many times, the best way to initiate healing in our own hearts is to begin praying also for the people who hurt us. Ask God to save them. Ask Him to do whatever it takes to change their hearts. Intercede for them.

Very likely, over time, you will find that your heart is not so broken anymore. Instead of feeling hurt and bitterness toward them you may feel pity, compassion, or even sympathy for them.

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dear abigail::what about when gossip comes straight to me?

Dear Abigail,

I love to talk to people in our church, but it seems like often times they think that I need to know every detail about everyone else. People will complain about the last pastoral family, or fill me in on the latest scoop of other members' trials or scandals. 

I'm uncomfortable listening to gossip, but I don't want to be rude. I'd like to know how I can let people know that it's not okay to be gossip to me about others, without making them feel like I don't want to chat. 

 

It's really important to me to be trustworthy with the information I'm given, and I don't want to betray people's trust. How can I put a stop to all the gossipers without damaging my relationships?
~Desiring To Be Discreet

 

Dear Discreet,

Gossip isn't new to our generation. King Solomon wrote that "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy [wo]man keeps a secret." (Proverbs 11:13) 

 

Paul wrote about people who know God but choose to keep on being evil - and yes, he calls gossip evil. He lumps gossip in with envy, murder, and deceit. (See Romans 1:29-32).  The Apostle John made it a point to deal with gossip straight on, you can read about it 3 John 1:9-11.

Try creating a standard answer that you can always fall back on when conversation turns into gossip. It might sound something like:

 

"Have you talked to ______ (the person in question) about this? Because I'm really not the person to help you with the situation. It would be better to just talk to so-and-so about it."

OR:

"You know, I've been really trying to make sure that I don't talk about anyone who isn't here to defend themselves, so if it's alright with you, can we change the subject?"

OR:

"I don't want to judge, but this sounds like gossip to me. It isn't my place to hear this, but maybe you should talk to them directly about how you feel!"

Whatever you choose to say, be kind yet firm. If they keep right on gossiping, then excuse yourself from the conversation and walk away. If they didn't mean to be gossiping, your statement will be a gentle rebuke and they should be happy to change the topic. And if they get mad at you even when you've been kind, that's okay too - it just shows their heart. 

If someone continues gossiping relentlessly, perhaps it needs to be a matter for your PH to deal with. He might make a personal visit, or take them to lunch, and help them see the damage that they are causing.

Some great scripture texts about gossip include: Proverbs 16:28, 18:8, 20:19, 26:20, 26:22; 2 Corinthians 12:20 and 1 Timothy 5:13.

~Abigail

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dear abigail::how can I adapt to PW life in a foreign culture?

Dear Abigail,
About 3 years ago I came to France on a teach-abroad program, planning to stay here for 7 months. Seven months turned into a lot longer because I met my husband, a French-American pastor in downtown Paris. 

We've been married about 8 months and in some ways it's been the most overwhelming time I've ever experienced. Relationally we're really enjoying married life, but on every other level I'm really struggling. 

I find myself resentful of so many things: attempting to minister in a language that's not my own, pressure to entertain in a way that's up to French meal standards, missing friends and family back home (feeling very lonely!), unspoken pressure at church to be more involved in church activities, disliking my church's style and wishing I could have chosen my church, and alternating between feeling invisible and like a celebrity next to my husband. 

All this is added to stress of learning a new language and culture. Sometimes it just makes me want to scream or cry, or both!  I want to rise above these feelings and really love the church rather than resent my new role but I just don't know how. Any advice? ~ PW in Paris

Dear Paris,
I know firsthand how it feels to marry into a another culture. The different ways of communicating, the unexpected expectations, the feeling that you are always stepping on eggshells to keep from unintentionally offending someone at church or in your extended family. After 7 years in a cross-cultural marriage, I can tell you that the first years are the hardest - and if you work at it together as a team the culture shock will eventually fade.

When it comes to being "the foreign PW", sometimes it can feel like you're wearing a bulls-eye. Everyone watches the PW in a normal church, but when you're crossing cultures it seems that the expectations can be even higher! You are not alone!

Here are a few ideas for making your new life a little easier:

• Make sure you stay connected with the "folks back home". Use Skype to webchat for free, or keep a blog to show them your photos of daily/weekly life and share what has been happening.
• Check around to see if there are any other non-French PWs in your area. Contact them and ask if they'd be willing to get together sometime. See what advice they may have to share (if they've been living there for a while), or they might become a partner in the process if they are new at it too!
• Observe the ladies in your church and ask one or two to be your "French mentor". Ask them to teach you the art of French cooking, or if they'd be willing to have a coffee date once a week so you can practice your language skills. Pick women who are great at the things you want to learn, and ask them to help you "become more French"! They'll likely love the opportunity to "improve" you, and you can gain new friends and cultural insights in the process. 
• Don't give in to the pressure to do or be more than you are able right now. Those abilities will come as you grow. Try selecting just one (two at the most) church activities to involve yourself, and politely decline other requests. (You may need to solicit your husband to be your protector in this. People will probably take it from him much better than from you if he is the one urging the members to respect your boundaries.) 
• Remember that going to a church that's "not your style" isn't unique to ministry in another country. That's just part of being a PW. Lots of PWs show up every weekend to minister beside their husbands in churches that they wouldn't pick if they were just a member. And almost every PW on the planet has probably had to do it at some point or another. Remember that this congregation isn't necessarily a lifetime assignment, but your relationships with the people in this church can be for life. Eventually your husband will pastor elsewhere, and most likely you'll miss something(s) about this church very much.
• Focus on the things you can change. You can't change living in France. You can't change being a PW. You probably can't change how much you desperately miss home. But you can change the way you cook for others, and the language you speak, and maybe even your fashion style - in order to become closer to the people around you. Try to make those things as enjoyable and social as possible, and you might even learn to like new ways of doing things! Most of all, don't let other people's cultural expectations come between you and your PH. 

~ Abigail

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dear abigail::what about when the other PW is invisible?

Dear Abigail,
I am a young lead pastor's wife (at a university campus church plant).

Eight months ago, our church hired a part-time pastor who has a wonderful family: wife and four children, ages 5-12.

The new pastor's family does not come to church. 

On very rare occasions, the wife will join her PH at services, but she is not involved in any way outside of that.  They attend another church on Saturday evenings as a family, saying that it meets their children's spiritual needs. 

Our attendance runs from 35-90 (depending on school breaks), and we do have families with children in our church.  We had a children's class when this new pastor began, but he wanted it turned into a nursery for toddlers and babies only. Now this pastor's family says that they do not come because there is nothing for their kids to do.  I asked the wife if she would be willing to serve in the nursery so that the other moms and volunteers could spread out.  She says that because her children don't attend, she'd rather not help.

I am ten years younger than this PW and have much smaller children (my oldest is 3). We attend every service (except when ill), and I am involved in mentoring many of the young women... even though I'm only 3-5 years older than most of them.  I support my husband any way I can, even if sometimes it means (during pregnancy and right after birth) we only come for the actual service. 

I feel bothered by the other PW/family's absence. Is it normal for pastor's wives to be invisible to the extent of not attending the church the PH leads? When questioned, this PW has said she is not used to being attached to her husband's hip in ministry. My thoughts are:  "How can he invest himself fully if his wife is not part of the equation?"  

I definitely don't expect her to be attached to her husband's hip, but I do think she should share the vision of the body and be part of it.  My PH and I have had many people ask us why this PW doesn't come to church. We don't know what to say. My husband has difficulty trusting the other pastor's commitment and potential for longevity without his family's investment.  

My PH has had to take on a part-time job (he gave up a portion of his salary to hire the new pastor), so their lack of involvement is also frustrating because of the time my husband's new job takes away from our family.

This PW has so much to offer the young ladies and young moms in our church!  I'm befuddled as to why she wouldn't want to share her wisdom from being a follower of Jesus, a wife, and a mom for many years!

I have tried to talk to her, and she says she wants to be involved, but won't force her children to come to church or serve when there is nothing for them, so she has to stay home with them unless she has a babysitter. This was a month and a half ago and she has been to church only twice since.  

I don't want to be legalistic. But I see that the body has a hard time respecting this leadership style. What would you do? ~ Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

I sense your frustration and longing to see things change in this sticky situation. Of course I hope you have been seeking God's wisdom in prayer and study as you decide how to interact. The behavior and attitude of any PW has a profound impact in her congregation, for either good or bad. This goes for you just as much as for the new PW in your church.

First, let's talk about you: It's obvious that you are dedicated to your role as a PW, that you love your PH, and that serving in ministry is highly important to you. You are willing to make service a priority even at the cost of your own comfort and convenience. It can't be easy to be this active with small children. Kudos to you for publicly supporting your husband and setting such a great example for your kids. 

Now I have to ask you a tough question. How much of your frustration at this PW comes from feeling that she should be doing at least as much as you are? After all, she is older and her children are not so small, right? Did you have dreams of gaining a PW partner in ministry that are now shattered? Are you sure that you aren't the tiniest bit jealous that she stays home while you are working so hard? I'm not saying this to condone her absence - just to make sure that you have searched your heart and that your motive for addressing the issue isn't rooted in envy or a similar negative emotion.

Next, let's talk about the other PW. Do you know her story? Was she once heavily involved and then got burnt out? Is there a private health issue? Does she see this as a season of life where she is most needed at home? Were the expectations very different in her husband's last church? Or is she perhaps ignorant of how her absence is diminishing her husband's leadership and eroding the respect of the body?

True, it is crucial to protect our children from being overburdened as PKs. On the other hand, every child (who will become a successful adult) must learn at some time that there are things in life that we do to serve others, whether or not they are "fun" or designed for our convenience. Going to church with a community of people of all ages and backgrounds is an excellent training ground to teach children that we do many things for the good of others. This holds just as true for PKs as for any other family in the church. (Check out the phenomenal book "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" by Twenge and Campbell, to read more about this.)

It was once unheard of for a PW to stay home when her PH was at church. Sadly, there is a growing trend of faceless PWs who feel no calling to support their husband's ministry. While shared ministry looks different for every pastoral couple, and while every PW has her own personality and gifts and interests - the basic components of loving people and being willing to serve according to her gifts are absolutely imperative for any PW. Without these, her husband's ministry is guaranteed to stagnate. Yes, it is important to achieve balance and keep adequate family time, but when the pastoral family focuses only on meeting their own needs the ministry will wither.

When a PW is consistently absent (except when ill or perhaps traveling for work), the body begins to worry. Is the pastor's marriage solid? Is there a secret problem? Does she have an undisclosed illness? Does she hate us? Have we somehow offended her? Can her husband be trusted? It sounds as if your congregation is already beginning to ask these questions. (And when members inquire, I suggest telling them to go and ask the other pastor directly. It may help him to realize how his wife's attitude affects them.)

Certainly the PW should hold herself to the same (if not higher) expectations of attendance and involvement that is shown by every other active and dedicated member. Scripture also places an imperative on female leaders to engage in mentoring and teaching younger women (Titus 2:3-5). No pastor can effectively lead a church, or convince members that their service is important, if his own wife and family refuses to attend and be engaged. It may not show for a while, but her disinterest will take its toll on his credibility.

I believe that, rather than being between you and her, this is a matter for your PH to address with her PH. Scripture implies that the state of a church leader's family is crucially connected to their eligibility to serve (see 1 Timothy 3:2-5). Has your husband had a frank conversation with his assistant pastor about how the absence of his wife and family is negatively impacting the body? Perhaps your PH should address this as a matter of growing concern, including the fact that this pastor's commitment and longevity are unclear as a result of his family's failure to connect with the church body.

If your husband's discussion reveals a legitimate reason for the PW's absence (i.e. a private illness, or  severe depression), then the situation should be tactfully expressed to the church in a way that engages their prayers on her behalf. That way the body can sympathize and minister to her. Otherwise, your PH - as the senior pastor - may need to gently explain the repercussions on the body if this trend continues. 

I would suggest that you and your PH work together with the other family to help them understand the importance of regular attendance and involvement, and to get creative so that they also feel their needs are met. Of course, if you choose to address the issue, you must be prepared for the possibility that they will decide that this ministry is no longer a good fit for their family. However, it is appropriate to make it clear (especially since your husband has given up part of his salary to bring this family into your ministry) that there are some basic expectations in your church's local culture, such as the regular attendance of the pastors' families.

May God bless you and your PH as you prayerfully consider how to best communicate in this situation so that Scriptural principle isn't compromised, and yet the needs of both the congregation and the pastoral families are fulfilled.

~Abigail

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dear abigail::what's the PW etiquette for gift-giving?

Dear Abigail,
Graduation season is approaching and my PH and I will be invited to many graduation parties.  Last year, my PH wasn't yet on staff at our church so we attended only the parties to which we were given a written invitation. There were only a few, so we were able to give a small cash gift to each of the graduates. 

But now that my husband is the senior pastor at our church, we'll be personally invited to many more parties, and are likely expected to attend those posted in our church bulletin (even if we don't receive an actual invite).  

How do we handle this?  It seems impossible to attend every one, especially since we will have a newborn at the time.  And, how do we handle gifts?  We aren't in a financial position to give cash to each graduate anymore, but don't want to seem stingy either.  What's the etiquette? ~ PW in MI

Dear PW in MI,

It's tough having a generous heart on a short budget, isn't it? First of all, it's important to treat all invitations with appreciative grace, whether you can attend or not. 

Your PH can forestall many issues by making a simple announcement from the pulpit a couple of weekends in a row, along the lines of: "Summer is almost here, and my lovely wife and I wish that we could attend the parties of every single graduate this year, because we are so proud of all of you. However, with the new baby coming, my wife needs to rest and I'll be spending a lot of time caring for her and the baby, so we regret that we won't be able to celebrate with each of you personally!"

In late spring, or when all the graduates are home for the summer (if they have gone away to college or boarding schools), you and your husband might plan a "Graduates' Blessing". Invite all the graduates to come forward during the worship service, and both of you can congratulate and bless them for their achievements in front of the congregation. Give them each a card with a thoughtful, handwritten message and a carefully selected bible verse from the two of you. 

This way you will have created a way to celebrate with all your graduates without over-taxing your energy, dragging your newborn to dozens of parties, or overdrawing your checking account. And hopefully the spiritual blessing will stand in the memory of your young people for years to come.

~ Abigail

Dear Abigail,
As a PW I am often invited to every birthday party, baby shower and wedding shower -- and I LOVE to attend them!  

We can't afford to buy presents for each one, yet I feel bad if I show up empty handed.  What is the best way to handle this?  I don't want to miss out on important moments in people's lives or offend someone if I go to one party and not another.  But buying gifts for everyone adds up  quickly.

Do you have any ideas or gift suggestions that are both meaningful and budget friendly? ~ Jana

Dear Jana, 

You and PW in MI have a lot in common: an obvious love of people, enjoyment of giving gifts, and a slim budget. 

For celebratory parties where a gift is expected, try shopping at places like Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Ross (assuming you're in the USA) where you can find tasteful and attractive gifts at a very low cost. Some pastor families choose to set aside a percentage of their offering just for this purpose, since there is usually little money left in their budgets otherwise, and they consider the giving of small gifts as part of their ministry.

If you are artistic, you might consistently give a gift that is handcrafted - such as a knitted scarf, or a bookmark with a bible verse in calligraphy, or whatever it is that you do. Or you might volunteer to bring a dish and help with the decorating. This way you can give the gift of your time.

Or, you and your PH may decide that your family policy is to never give gifts at all (unless it is to a family member or extremely close friend). If that is the case, then make sure to apply your policy across the board so no one feels hurt or left out. Instead, you can make it your tradition to give a lovely card with a handwritten message of blessing and encouragement, and a special scripture verse at every occasion.

Whatever you choose is fine, as long as you keep your policy consistent so that people don't feel that you're playing favorites. Most people understand that the pastor's budget can't stretch to give fancy presents at everyone's party, and what they want most is the support of your presence and acknowledgement. 

~ Abigail

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dear abigail::what do I do when my PH needs spiritual revival?

Dear Abigail,
What should I do if I feel that my PH is in need of a spiritual revival?  

I don't want to judge his personal relationship with the Lord, but as a mom who spends a lot of time at home, I know his schedule quite well.  From what I can see, he does not commit much time to personal Bible study and prayer outside of sermon preparation (which is not much time some weeks).  We don't have a consistent schedule for worship and prayer as a family.  When we do worship or pray together as a family, it seems that I am the one to initiate it most times.  

I want my husband to be the spiritual head of our home regardless of his profession, but it makes me all the more frustrated when there are days he has had prayer with members of the church and not members of his family.  I know I need to pray about this a lot more because I feel myself getting bitter sometimes--and that doesn't make for a great attitude.  Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. 

I'm not sure what to do.  I just want want our family to be saved in God's kingdom and I know that comes from accepting God's sacrifice and having a real relationship with Him.  Please advise.

Thank you,
Wisdom Wanted

Dear Wisdom Wanted,

I think every PW can relate to your question on some level, even if it's only for periods of time in between spiritual vibrance.  It's understandable to feel bitter or frustrated when our PHs - who are supposed to be spiritual leaders to everyone else - drop the ball at home. After all, no matter who they pastor "out there", they are first and foremost the husbands and fathers and priests of our homes. It is a good thing that you are sensitive to your family's need for spiritual growth.

The way we live our lives indicate our priorities, and our children are the first to be able to identify what our real priorities are (vs what we say they are). It’s true that our PHs spend a lot of time in “spiritual matters,” but they will become more successful in every area of their lives if they spend quality personal and family time in worship and prayer. Obviously, you already recognize this, or you wouldn't be longing for more.

Is your PH burnt out in ministry from working too hard and not staying balanced with his rest, exercise, and family time? Is he only holding it together for his public ministry and then letting it collapse at home because he's overwhelmed? Have you/he recently weathered a crisis that has left him dried up in his relationship with God?

Or is his personality quiet and laid-back, where after spending his days talking and listening to others he has nothing left to say at home? If your personality is more bubbly and talkative, he might be perfectly willing to just let you lead at home since he is outside his comfort zone all day every day - and he might have no idea that it bothers you or that he is letting down his family.

Whatever the reason, the first thing to do is pray for your PH. Ask God to work on his heart and on yours too, so that you'll have a Christlike spirit when you communicate about it. When the time is right to bring it up, try expressing your concern and asking if he would pray with you about where the Lord is leading your family spiritually.  If you seek God together, it might be a smoother transition than if you take the lead or verbalize criticism.

Build him up in front of your kids, and make sure he can hear you when you do. Tell the kids how lucky they are to have such a great dad, or get them involved in doing something special for him. However it works best for you and your family's personality, get the whole family to show support for daddy as the well-respected priest of the home. Your children will naturally mirror your attitude of respect or disdain for their father.

Here's the advice of two seasoned PWs:

1. Pray for your husband. We know our husbands like no one else.  We know their schedules and their “comings and goings,” but we cannot know their hearts like God does. Our prayers on our PH’s behalf will guard us from becoming overly judgmental and will assure us that the Holy Spirit is working. Pray for his spiritual well-being & that God will convict him to lead more at home. Pray for creative, gentle ways to express your longing to him. Pray for your own response when he begins to try!
   
2. Talk to your husband. He may also be wishing things were different or he might not even know how strongly you feel. Share how important it is to you that he initiates (versus putting him down or condemning him). Tell him how your admiration and respect for him grows when he leads at home. Tell him it's sexy when he takes charge. (And then be alert to when he does take charge, and applaud him for it - whether it's exactly how you imagined it or not.)
   
   
3. Have your own devotions.
   
   
   
   When your PH sees you reading your Bible, hopefully he will eventually start thinking about reading his Bible as well. With small children you might be lucky to have 10 minutes a day in the word, but try to aim for at least a little time each day - when your husband is home and can see you praying and reading. You can also try asking your PH to read  and pray with you sometimes in the evening if he doesn't get home too late.
   
   
4. Keep up daily family worship. Usually it is possible to be all together in the morning around breakfast. You may have to keep initiating but also ask your PH if he has any new ideas he might like to try. (Being confrontational is usually not the answer.) Continue having evening worship with the kids at bedtime, and share with your husband the cute things that they say during prayers.
   
   Worships don’t need to be long, dull services, just meaningful praise to God and simple spiritual instruction for the children. Including a song and prayer, 10 minutes is plenty. The habit of worshiping and praying together as a couple and family in the early years will likely prevent conflicts in later years.  It’s a ritual worth cultivating!
   
   
5. Affirm his smallest attempts to take charge. If he tries to call the family for worship, gather the kids immediately and urge them to listen and respond to daddy - even if it is at an inconvenient time of day, or isn't what you'd planned. Some men give up easily if their efforts to lead are ignored, rejected, or criticized. Leave the constructive comments for a few months down the road and rejoice when he tries to fulfill his role at home.  

Read the book, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldridge, to discover more insights into your PH's masculine soul. Remember, things may not get better right away (they may even get worse), but don't get discouraged.

And by all means, when God works out a change in your family, let ABIGAIL know about it so we can rejoice with you!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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dear abigail::learning names...

Dear Abigail,

Our family moved to a new church about 2 1/2 months ago.  This church is bigger than our last one and it's taking quite awhile to learn names.  What do you suggest I do to learn names and get to know our members better in these early months?

Thanks,

CJ

Dear CJ,

There are many ways to get to know your new church members. The question is how much time you have each week and how big your congregation is. If it's a smallish congregation, and you have the time, you can invite over the families for a game night or for Friday night spaghetti or whatever is your style. 

If your church is bigger, you could host an "open house" in your home and invite your congregation to a come-and-go event. Provide finger foods and drinks, and let everyone mingle at their leisure. As guests arrive, snap a polaroid photograph of each couple or family, and have them sign their names on a small card or paper to go with their picture. After the dinner you can put the photos and signatures into a scrapbook for dual duty: to help jog your memory for their names, and to create a keepsake of your early days in this congregation. 

For learning names, here are a few tricks to consider:

• when you meet a member for the first time, ask their name, and then repeat it several times during the conversation immediately following, i.e.: "It's nice to meet you Kelly! So, Kelly, how long have you been attending here?" You might feel a little corny, but repeating their name several times while looking at their face will help cement the name into your memory.
• if it's a difficult or unusual name, ask them how it's spelled 
• if it's a common or easy name, try to figure out an association to go with it such as: Jack Smith, with black hair (Jack rhymes with black), etc...
• if you can, keep a pack of 3x5 cards handy, with one card per family. Write down names and add any pertinent details about them - church positions, age of children, shared hobbies or whatever else might help you remember

In addition, don't be afraid to just admit it when you forget. Remind people, in good humor, that while they have only two or three new names to learn, you have 150 (or however many people are in your new church). Tell them that you want very much to get to know them, and ask them to please feel free to remind you of their names each time you see them, to help you out. 

Just knowing that you're trying is enough to make them feel loved and cared about! 

Abigail

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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DEAR ABIGAIL::biblical advice for young PWs

DEAR ABIGAIL is an advice column where young PWs can ask for biblical wisdom about their situations, challenges, and difficulties.

ABIGAIL was a woman known for her generosity, intuition, industry, discernment, hospitality, loyalty, strength and wisdom.

DEAR ABIGAIL is about learning to become young pastors' wives with the same qualities, as we journey in ministry with our husbands.

Email your DEAR ABIGAIL inquiry to: clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com. 

Subject heading: DEAR ABIGAIL.

Letters and answers will be posted on the CLUTCH website.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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