you have the power::to make your husband leave the ministry

It’s not as hard as you might think.

A little complaining and whining here. A little lack of confidence in his abilities there. Occasional comments about how you wish he’d picked a career that made more money...

Maybe there are a few exceptions, but most pastors come to a point sometime where they wonder if they should’ve made a different career choice. It’s hard to wonder if you’re providing for your family the best you can, especially if your wife isn’t content. And when you have rough patches in your congregation, it’s a rare man who doesn’t at least ask himself how things might have been easier if he’d traveled a different path.

Back when my husband was a seminary student, we spent an afternoon at the tennis courts with another young pastoral couple. After a few doubles games, the other pastor’s wife and I took a breather on the sidelines. She started telling me how much she hated being a pastor’swife.

"All these people expect me to talk to them at church, when I don't even want to be there! What makes them think I want to listen to their problems?"

I was speechless. And if you knew me, that’d make you chuckle. But I honestly didn't know what to say.

Later that night, I shared the conversation with my husband. He wasn’t surprised. He knew that her husband felt torn between his wife and his ministry. Church members kept asking what they’d done to offend her? Why didn’t she like them? What was wrong?

Her husband isn't a pastor any more. Eventually, her distaste for his calling was a big factor in his decision to switch careers.These days he carries a gun and a badge. I don’t know if she’s any happier than she was before...

That doesn’t mean that I think it’s necessarily wrong to stop being a pastor. Sometimes God calls us to a certain type of ministry for a season rather than a lifetime. Or maybe God has a different avenue of service and he never meant for your husband to be a pastor in the first place. I’m not sitting in judgment of those situations.

But that’s not the same as when your husband is a fabulous pastor, and clearly called into a life of ministry, and you just can’t seem to stop longing for a different life. When the pastor loves both his job and his wife but his wife hates his job - then something has to change. Unless ofcourse, he’s willing to live in misery or lose his marriage (see the first two articles in this series).

Let’s assume that your husband loves you. (At least I certainly hope he does!) So he decides to go ahead and do whatever it takes to make you happy, at the cost of his own dreams and passion. In this case, that means finding a new career.

You’re thrilled. Now it’s going to be all better. Now he is home every night. He sits right beside you in church, if you still go to church. He doesn’t get random phone calls in the middle of the night. No one knocks at your door unexpectedly asking for help or handouts. Life is great, right?

Somewhere, at least one or two of you are wishing this would happen with your husband right now. But are you sure you’ve thought it through? Once he quits pastoring, what will he do?Where will he go? Who will he become?

How long do you think he can hide the threads of resentment weaving in his heart because you wanted him leave the calling that shaped his identity?

Now you won’t be just his lovely wife. You will be the reason why he is no longer fulfilling his divine calling as a shepherd. He loses his spark, that fire in his bones that made him feel like aman.

If he truly loved his role as a pastor, then after a while, he will no longer be the man he was before.

No longer a leader of people. Now he’s just another guy, going through the motions,surviving each day.

Would that make life better? Is that the husband you want? Is it worth it?

Or is God maybe calling you to join your husband in a ministry adventure that you can’t comprehend? Nope - it isn’t going to be easy. But then most valuable experiences come with a measure of sweat and tears.

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

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you have the power::to lose your marriage

You havehalf the power to keep your marriage. And all the powerto ruin it.

In most Western cultures, losing your marriage is easy. It’s staying married that’s the hard part. And in cultures where divorce is anathema, staying happily married still requires alot of work.

I know God called my husband to be a pastor. Since God also let me marry him - I choose tobelieve God called me to ministry too. I don’t think God would bring ustogether and then only call one of us.Ministry works best when the whole family is on board. God doesn’t make randommistakes - so if your husband is called to ministry, and you’re his wife, then God has called you too.

“Nothanks,” I hear you saying. “That’s my husband’s job. I’ve got my own career, my own interests.”

Yes.
Well.
Good for you. You are truly a liberated woman.

Except...that kind of liberation tends to endanger marital satisfaction.

Good marriages thrive on common interest. Strong relationships grow out of shared passion. Life long commitment comes easiest when there is mutual respect.

Yes, you can be your own woman. Go ahead, enjoy your career. Or you might be choosing tostay at home and raise your babies - which is a worthy career in its own right. But antagonism (or even casual disinterest) toward your husband’s ministry will bring guaranteed repercussions.

When you can’t find something, anything, to love about life as a pastor’s wife, you’re effectively making your husband choose between pleasing you and obeying God. He faces a crisis of decision.

Who does he value more, you or God? Whose daily wrath can he endure most easily? Sooner or later, he’ll wonder if he’s failed as a husband because you’re so unhappy and disinterested. This kind of tension can become a dark cloud over your home.

That feeling of failure is definitely going to affect your married life. Sure, it might stay contained in the realm of general misery and discontent. Or it might spill over into something worse.

I’m not writing this to make you feel threatened. It’s not about changing who you are just so you can save your marriage. Or maybe it is. I guess that all depends on who you are, and the direction your marriage is headed.

I wouldn't urge you to pretend to be someone you’re not, just to make things peaceful. Be who you are. But, if who you are is a woman at odds with your husband’s identity and calling, if who you are is causing stress and friction in your marriage - then maybe God wants to transform you into someone new.

I freely admit that being a pastor’s wife isn’t the easiest of identities to embrace. We don’t get regular weekends off. We share our husbands with an entire congregation. We pick up the ball when it’s “family day” and a church member calls from the hospital needing an emergency pastoral visit. We spend evenings at home alone with the kids while other families are eating supper together. We sit through the sermon alone, managing the babies as best we can. (I’m getting a lot of practice with this right now!)

But take a moment and look at the big picture. Are all these inconveniences worth risking your marriage? What if God has an incredible plan for you that includes this reality of life as the pastor’s wife? What if you are just one heart-change away from experiencing something amazing?

If you ask me, the hardships are a small price to pay for the adventure of being married to a leader of God’s people. Oh sure, I’d like more uninterrupted family time.Yes, I would enjoy not having to pinch every penny, and he could make far more money doing something else. Of course I’d love to be able to sit with my husband in church. Some days it’d be really nice to blend in with everyone else. But who wants to just be normal, anyway?

When I was a newlywed, one wise older pastor’s wife told me that her dearest friend was married to a doctor. She said they could relate in ways that other women didn't comprehend. Both shared their husbands with large audiences. Both endured time alone at home while the men worked unusual hours. Both had learned how to cook and entertain groups in their homes because of their husbands' jobs - not because they naturally loved being a hostess. Both had fallen in love with men of influence who lived to serve other people.

Every woman married to a man of influence has unique duties that come with her role. Senators' wives. Lawyers' wives. Executives' wives. Doctors' wives. And yes, pastors' wives too.

How often do you stop to think of your husband as a “man of influence”? How often do you treat him with honor? The health of your marriage depends greatly on how you express your support to this man you chose to marry. Sure, he could do something horrid that would destroy your relationship, but so can you. Steady nagging or silent antagonism over his pastoral identity will erode your marriage just as surely as something big and flamboyant like adultery.

You are the wife of an influential man.

Even if he’s young. Even if he’s quiet. Even if he sometimes forgets that you (and your kids) should be his top priority. Next time you see him walk through the door, pause a moment and just look at him. Remind yourself that this man is called by God.

It's that very calling that makes your husband different, special. It’s what makes him the man you love.

How much is that worth to you?

A familysplintered by feuding will fall apart. Mark 3:25 (NLT)

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you have the power::to make your husband live in misery

Yes, you read it right. In misery.

Because of you.

“That’s horrible!” you say. “I’m not that kind of wife. Marriage is about making each other happy!” Which is true. But what about when you don’t like what your husband does for a living? And what about when that job is his call from God?

Some of you are reading this and starting to mumble to yourself already. You know you can’t stand the fact that you’ve been “forced” into the role of being a pastor’s wife. You despise the pressure. You’re terrified by the demands. You loathe the fact that your husband is always on call. You’d be thrilled if he came home one day and announced that he was changing careers to something, anything, else.

Some of you can’t relate to all that angst and frustration. You don’t mind your husband being a pastor. Sure, the hours can be frustrating when he gets phone calls or visitors early in the morning or late at night. And yes, it isn’t fun sitting alone in church (when you actually go). But mostly, his life of ministry doesn’t affect you much. You do your thing, and he does his. And ministry is definitely his thing, not yours.

Or maybe you’re reading this and sitting a tiny bit straighter in your seat with a little sanctified pride. You’re not like those other ministry wives! You just love being the pastor’s wife. You like the influence it gives you. You’re friendly to everyone at church, involved in several ministries, and lots of people come to you for advice. You’re so proud of your husband in the pulpit that you could just burst. And you have lots of ideas about how he should do his job, too. In fact, sometimes you think to yourself that you could do his job just as well - or maybe even better. And maybe you could... But (without launching a discussion about whether you should be the pastor), the fact is that you’re not. He is. And he can sense when you think you’re better than him.

I used to swear that I’d never marry a pastor. Most of the theology students I knew were either lazy, egotistical or fanatical, and some were a blend of all three. Then I met my husband, and God tweaked my perspective. But I’ll freely admit various moments when I’ve met all three of those descriptions above.

However, none of those attitudes lead to a happy home or a satisfied marriage. And they definitely don’t foster a successful ministry. Powerful pastors come from peaceful homes, where they know that they are loved and supported by the most valuable person in their lives - you. When life at home is harmonious, he’s free to focus his energy on his calling.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that you should be a doormat. I definitely don’t mean that you should avoid communicating about problems just to keep the peace. And I absolutely don’t mean that you should pretend to be someone you’re not.

I am saying that if you’re not supportive of your husband’s calling, it’s going to have negative effects on your home life. Your children will pick up on the tension and it can have a lifelong  damaging impact on their view of marriage and ministry. Your husband may work longer and longer hours because at home he’s not getting support and admiration and peace. And your feelings are likely to keep going in a desperate cycle of frustration because your heart just isn’t in it.

I am saying that if you see ministry as “his job” and not yours, the disconnect is going to cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship sooner or later. Your church members can sense when you aren’t interested in them. When your husband consistently shows up alone to church activities, they start to wonder if everything is okay in the pastor’s marriage. Besides, every member is called to be a minister according to their gifts - even the pastor’s wife.

You aren’t exempt from the basic expectations of service, participation and ministry that God wants from everyone else in the church body. Yes, being the pastor is your husband’s job, but you're a member of the body, too.

I am saying that if you think you could do a better job than your husband, be careful to avoid letting other people in on the secret. Listen to yourself and make sure that when you offer advice it sounds supportive, not second-guessing. Just because he handles situations differently than you think he should, doesn’t mean he’s doing it wrong. People can tell when you don’t trust his judgment. And sadly, some will use that against him.

Any of these attitudes can wreak havoc with your husband’s confidence in his ability to fulfill his calling. His courage can be undermined just as much by a spirit of competition as by your irritated frustration at the demands of his job.

Life as a pastor’s wife is personally invasive. You already know that. You share your husband with dozens (or hundreds) of other people who often feel that their claim to him is just as valid as yours. You can either choose to embrace the reality of his calling, or you can make his existence a living hell.

And no godly man wants to face the choice between making his wife happy and rejecting the call of God.

So as the pastor’s wife, you’ve got a choice to make. You can indulge in resentment, or do your part to make home a happy place. You’ve got the power to make the pastor eager to get back home, or make him wish his visitation would last longer so he can delay his return.

He’s your warrior. You’re his cheerleader. And no, I’m not being sexist. It’s just the plain facts. Your attitude gives him the courage to live out his divine calling. Or not.

If you’re not on board with your husband’s calling, you need to be prepared for the inevitable results. And if you want home to be peaceful, a place your husband can’t wait to get back and see you - you might want to pray about a change of heart.

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:3 (NLT)

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
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