sex with the pastor

Men need sex like Women need water. Just kidding, maybe not 8 times a day. (I had to insert a laugh for quite a delicate topic) But it is an essential part of the marital relationship for them. It's essential for both of us.

We don't talk about it because it falls under the "private and personal" category in relation to public/private/personal life separations.

However, I wanted to share with you what a wise Pastor's Wife once shared with a group of us younger wives in ministry.

Of course there are times when medical situations come in to play and I get that.

However, for a good group of ladies, being exhausted, frustrated, hurt, stressed out, too busy, bitter, resentful, angry, who knows what excuse can find it's way, if allowed, - it can creep into the relationship and then it stops occurring. Maybe not immediately, but the frequency stops, decreases or days are skipped.

I was in a small group mentoring type setting for Pastors' Wives and a Pastor's Wife of 38years, yes that's right, THIRTY EIGHT years married and in ministry, brought up the subject of "sex with the pastor"

She said......

"Ladies, let's talk about what is not talked about. Sex."

"I know there a lot of surrounding circumstances, but just hear my heart and apply what you can."

"If your husband signs up, agrees, commits to eat at one restaurant and one restaurant only; for the rest of his life ~ breakfast, lunch, dinner ~ every meal same restaurant, same chef~ the restaurant SHOULD be serving some food."

"If you feed him, he will not be hungry."

Wow. Those are some bold statements I thought, true but bold; because this is my private/personal life you know. But the more I thought about it, it was the BEST illustration I had ever heard on the topic as a newly married wife. There is no shame in have a healthy sex life and being the "pastors" or "in ministry." Newly married couples usually don't have an issue in this area. (smile inserted) However, if you hear it and carry it with you through out your marriage you will not have an issue 13years, 15years, 20 years, down the road either.

Just wanted to share what was shared with me. Now go plan something for this weekend!

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you have the power::to make your husband leave the ministry

It’s not as hard as you might think.

A little complaining and whining here. A little lack of confidence in his abilities there. Occasional comments about how you wish he’d picked a career that made more money...

Maybe there are a few exceptions, but most pastors come to a point sometime where they wonder if they should’ve made a different career choice. It’s hard to wonder if you’re providing for your family the best you can, especially if your wife isn’t content. And when you have rough patches in your congregation, it’s a rare man who doesn’t at least ask himself how things might have been easier if he’d traveled a different path.

Back when my husband was a seminary student, we spent an afternoon at the tennis courts with another young pastoral couple. After a few doubles games, the other pastor’s wife and I took a breather on the sidelines. She started telling me how much she hated being a pastor’swife.

"All these people expect me to talk to them at church, when I don't even want to be there! What makes them think I want to listen to their problems?"

I was speechless. And if you knew me, that’d make you chuckle. But I honestly didn't know what to say.

Later that night, I shared the conversation with my husband. He wasn’t surprised. He knew that her husband felt torn between his wife and his ministry. Church members kept asking what they’d done to offend her? Why didn’t she like them? What was wrong?

Her husband isn't a pastor any more. Eventually, her distaste for his calling was a big factor in his decision to switch careers.These days he carries a gun and a badge. I don’t know if she’s any happier than she was before...

That doesn’t mean that I think it’s necessarily wrong to stop being a pastor. Sometimes God calls us to a certain type of ministry for a season rather than a lifetime. Or maybe God has a different avenue of service and he never meant for your husband to be a pastor in the first place. I’m not sitting in judgment of those situations.

But that’s not the same as when your husband is a fabulous pastor, and clearly called into a life of ministry, and you just can’t seem to stop longing for a different life. When the pastor loves both his job and his wife but his wife hates his job - then something has to change. Unless ofcourse, he’s willing to live in misery or lose his marriage (see the first two articles in this series).

Let’s assume that your husband loves you. (At least I certainly hope he does!) So he decides to go ahead and do whatever it takes to make you happy, at the cost of his own dreams and passion. In this case, that means finding a new career.

You’re thrilled. Now it’s going to be all better. Now he is home every night. He sits right beside you in church, if you still go to church. He doesn’t get random phone calls in the middle of the night. No one knocks at your door unexpectedly asking for help or handouts. Life is great, right?

Somewhere, at least one or two of you are wishing this would happen with your husband right now. But are you sure you’ve thought it through? Once he quits pastoring, what will he do?Where will he go? Who will he become?

How long do you think he can hide the threads of resentment weaving in his heart because you wanted him leave the calling that shaped his identity?

Now you won’t be just his lovely wife. You will be the reason why he is no longer fulfilling his divine calling as a shepherd. He loses his spark, that fire in his bones that made him feel like aman.

If he truly loved his role as a pastor, then after a while, he will no longer be the man he was before.

No longer a leader of people. Now he’s just another guy, going through the motions,surviving each day.

Would that make life better? Is that the husband you want? Is it worth it?

Or is God maybe calling you to join your husband in a ministry adventure that you can’t comprehend? Nope - it isn’t going to be easy. But then most valuable experiences come with a measure of sweat and tears.

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

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you have the power::to lose your marriage

You havehalf the power to keep your marriage. And all the powerto ruin it.

In most Western cultures, losing your marriage is easy. It’s staying married that’s the hard part. And in cultures where divorce is anathema, staying happily married still requires alot of work.

I know God called my husband to be a pastor. Since God also let me marry him - I choose tobelieve God called me to ministry too. I don’t think God would bring ustogether and then only call one of us.Ministry works best when the whole family is on board. God doesn’t make randommistakes - so if your husband is called to ministry, and you’re his wife, then God has called you too.

“Nothanks,” I hear you saying. “That’s my husband’s job. I’ve got my own career, my own interests.”

Yes.
Well.
Good for you. You are truly a liberated woman.

Except...that kind of liberation tends to endanger marital satisfaction.

Good marriages thrive on common interest. Strong relationships grow out of shared passion. Life long commitment comes easiest when there is mutual respect.

Yes, you can be your own woman. Go ahead, enjoy your career. Or you might be choosing tostay at home and raise your babies - which is a worthy career in its own right. But antagonism (or even casual disinterest) toward your husband’s ministry will bring guaranteed repercussions.

When you can’t find something, anything, to love about life as a pastor’s wife, you’re effectively making your husband choose between pleasing you and obeying God. He faces a crisis of decision.

Who does he value more, you or God? Whose daily wrath can he endure most easily? Sooner or later, he’ll wonder if he’s failed as a husband because you’re so unhappy and disinterested. This kind of tension can become a dark cloud over your home.

That feeling of failure is definitely going to affect your married life. Sure, it might stay contained in the realm of general misery and discontent. Or it might spill over into something worse.

I’m not writing this to make you feel threatened. It’s not about changing who you are just so you can save your marriage. Or maybe it is. I guess that all depends on who you are, and the direction your marriage is headed.

I wouldn't urge you to pretend to be someone you’re not, just to make things peaceful. Be who you are. But, if who you are is a woman at odds with your husband’s identity and calling, if who you are is causing stress and friction in your marriage - then maybe God wants to transform you into someone new.

I freely admit that being a pastor’s wife isn’t the easiest of identities to embrace. We don’t get regular weekends off. We share our husbands with an entire congregation. We pick up the ball when it’s “family day” and a church member calls from the hospital needing an emergency pastoral visit. We spend evenings at home alone with the kids while other families are eating supper together. We sit through the sermon alone, managing the babies as best we can. (I’m getting a lot of practice with this right now!)

But take a moment and look at the big picture. Are all these inconveniences worth risking your marriage? What if God has an incredible plan for you that includes this reality of life as the pastor’s wife? What if you are just one heart-change away from experiencing something amazing?

If you ask me, the hardships are a small price to pay for the adventure of being married to a leader of God’s people. Oh sure, I’d like more uninterrupted family time.Yes, I would enjoy not having to pinch every penny, and he could make far more money doing something else. Of course I’d love to be able to sit with my husband in church. Some days it’d be really nice to blend in with everyone else. But who wants to just be normal, anyway?

When I was a newlywed, one wise older pastor’s wife told me that her dearest friend was married to a doctor. She said they could relate in ways that other women didn't comprehend. Both shared their husbands with large audiences. Both endured time alone at home while the men worked unusual hours. Both had learned how to cook and entertain groups in their homes because of their husbands' jobs - not because they naturally loved being a hostess. Both had fallen in love with men of influence who lived to serve other people.

Every woman married to a man of influence has unique duties that come with her role. Senators' wives. Lawyers' wives. Executives' wives. Doctors' wives. And yes, pastors' wives too.

How often do you stop to think of your husband as a “man of influence”? How often do you treat him with honor? The health of your marriage depends greatly on how you express your support to this man you chose to marry. Sure, he could do something horrid that would destroy your relationship, but so can you. Steady nagging or silent antagonism over his pastoral identity will erode your marriage just as surely as something big and flamboyant like adultery.

You are the wife of an influential man.

Even if he’s young. Even if he’s quiet. Even if he sometimes forgets that you (and your kids) should be his top priority. Next time you see him walk through the door, pause a moment and just look at him. Remind yourself that this man is called by God.

It's that very calling that makes your husband different, special. It’s what makes him the man you love.

How much is that worth to you?

A familysplintered by feuding will fall apart. Mark 3:25 (NLT)

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on a day for romance...

A few weeks ago, I was going through the room in our house that used to be my "office". Now it's going to be the nursery - once baby #2 arrives this spring.

As I sorted boxes that had been stuffed in the closet, and sifted papers that had stacked up -- I came across a shoebox of love letters.

I'm a lucky girl. My PH writes. He writes cards, emails, letters. Occasionally even notes (although not as often). I have a card from him, with way more than a signature inside, for nearly every holiday and event over the past 10 years.

He even writes romantic messages on the little cards they stick into bouquets. I have this miniature Hallmark envelope where I've kept every card from every significant bouquet.

There's one from every anniversary. One or two from "apology flowers" after we'd had a fight. One is in Italian, from the gorgeous yellow and pink roses he managed to get delivered to my classroom in Florence, Italy, during the summer I spent studying abroad in our 2nd year of marriage. (He was stuck in summer classes at seminary and couldn't come.) That made an impression on my classmates!

I used to keep the tiny envelope of them in my bible, where I could pull them out and remind myself how blessed I am to be loved by a godly man. Then my son got old enough to paw through my stuff, and I had to find a safer place!

As I organized, I almost threw away a card with Russian words across the top. My Russian isn't as great as it used to be, but I still can read that it says "Happy Birthday". I grabbed it back from the trash pile, to double check who it was from.

...my studly pastor-husband...

Inside, a piece of paper was glued in, with typed English words. And then I remembered...

In 2008, my job took me to Moscow and Nizhny Novgorod to lecture about reaching young postmodern adults at an evangelism training session for pastors from across Russia. It was the first time in our marriage that we hadn't spent my birthday together. Somehow he managed to find a way to order a huge hand-delivered bouquet of roses and a chocolate cake to the place I was staying! To this day he refuses to divulge his secret strategy on pulling that off. :)

Definitely not throwing THAT birthday card away!

Now, I know that not every man might show his feelings in the same ways that mine does. Not every husband is a great romantic writer. Not every husband remembers to buy flowers, or goes to great lengths to deliver a chocolate birthday cake on the opposite side of the world.

But there are reasons you love him, just the same. There are things he does that make you melt now and then. There are aspects about him that you admire, and appreciate, and trust.

Yes, Valentine's Day may be a contrived holiday that mostly benefits big business, but it's still a good reminder to let him know all those things that you love about him. Tell him why you adore him. Affirm his calling. Let him know how proud you are to be his wife, his lifetime companion. Puff him up a bit with all your compliments. It'll do his heart good.

And if for some reason this isn't a happy time in your marriage, if you're having a hard time remembering just why it was that you fell in love with him in the first place, then maybe it's a good time to get help. To start fresh. To commit to rebuilding what once was.

Whatever the state of your romance, today is an opportunity to make things beautiful again.

Happy Valentines!




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breaking out

I always thought of myself as an outgoing person before I became a pastor’s wife. I dove head first into being a partner to my husband, attending meetings with him and trying to pull together events. I quickly became discouraged and disillusioned by “culture shock” and found it harder and harder open myself up and play the social butterfly. After three years in our district, I’m ashamed to say there are many people I’ve never gotten to know.

I recently experienced a pangs of guilt as watched the familiar figure of a single dad with his two bored-looking kids file into the pew in front of me. I had never talked to them. The boy, about 12 with freckles and spiky blond hair, had made himself infamous by making rude and disrespectful comments to some of the other patrons. The girl always looked like she had just crawled out of bed with a vacant stare and rumpled hair.

After the service I overheard the father trying in vain to talk his kids into coming into the fellowship hall for lunch. The kids sauntered around like they didn’t care. “Are you guys going to come in?” I asked.

To my surprise they immediately said, “Sure,” and walked right inside.

I found myself near the girl once inside. I guess I’d been too intimidated by these kids to be friendly. So I forged ahead and started asking the girl questions. I had never ever learned her name. I was again pleasantly surprised by how easily she opened up, and by what I learned about her. It was so neat to see how the kids and the people sitting around them opened up and chatted during lunch.

The same afternoon we went out to a grassy spot by the lake with some other church members. In attendance was a family we hadn’t gotten to know well. This particular church has been divided by prejudices which had prevented some valuable friendships from forming. It was beautiful to watch walls begin to come down after so much strife and prayer.

A few days later I was surprised to get an e-mail from the couple’s daughter, a girl who came across as sullen and superior. Even though I always suspected she was just shy, I’d never been successful in drawing her out. Now she was writing me a little note, a casual hand reached across the gap to make friends. I felt honored and motivated to pull down my own barriers and try harder to find the hearts buried in the people around me. Why does it take so long?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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