permission to learn::fear of change (6)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

In his allegorical story “Who Moved My Cheese”, Dr. Spencer Johnson tells of four characters in a maze. The two rats and two “little people” spend their days running around the maze looking for cheese. One day, they find a generous supply, and after finding it in the same place day after day, the settle into a routine.

One day after a very long time, the cheese is gone! The rats, simple creatures as they are, scurry off to find more, but the Little People wait for the cheese to come back the way it was before. They resented this unexpected change of events, and they had lost the flexibility they had when they were used to running around for more cheese. Besides, since they had become comfortable, they were fearful of stepping out into unfamiliar territory again to find more cheese.

Finally, becoming weak from hunger, one of the Little People puts on his running shoes and starts looking for more cheese. Intimidated at first, he encourages himself by envisioning more and better cheese in his future. And one day, sure enough, after lots of running and little reward, he finds himself in a room with a much wealthier supply of cheese than the one he left behind. His friend stays in the cheeseless room, starving and resentful.

One very valuable lesson the first Little Person learned is:
“The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese.”

If I wrote the story, it would go something like this: The cheese doesn’t disappear, it just grows old and stale. The little people stay and keep eating it because they are so accustomed to it that they don’t notice it getting gross. When presented with the option of looking for new cheese, they react with incredulity and suspicion at the idea that anything should change.

Old cheese tends to do that to people, ya’ know. And all the while a room full of delicious, fresh cheese awaited them somewhere else.

Sound familiar?

Change can be intimidating under any circumstance, but resistance to change can be especially detrimental to personal and collaborative growth on a spiritual level. Certain worship styles, traditions, and even beliefs can become so dear to us that, that, when faced with something new or different, we resist out of our own emotions, mistaking our preference for God’s way.

Don’t misunderstand me: tradition isn’t our enemy.

There are many beautiful traditions and beliefs that ARE God’s way and should not be compromised for any reason. We just need to know what’s what. Once again, when faced with changes that affect our personal beliefs or corporate habits, it’s a call to scrutinize “the way it’s always been” and to educate ourselves about what is truly God’s way.

Jesus had to deal with people who thought things should always be done the way they had always been done. He identified the problem in a gentle parable: “No one puts new wine into old wineskins, or else the new wine will burst the skins, and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved. No man having drunk old wine immediately desires new, for he says, ‘The old is better.’"

Are you willing to be a new wineskin?

discontentment
I have to mention this antithesis of the Fear of Change for those few of us who seem to thrive on change. I sometimes feel like I’m always gazing at the horizon, always expecting something wonderful, rarely living to the fullest in the present that is given me. Ambitious, visionary, and sometimes living with the misconception that the grass is always greener around the next bend.

I think I’m starting to get to the age where I realize, hey, this is life, quit expecting it to get better. Kind of a sad realization, but what good is denial?

I’m convinced God has something to teach me here, now, or He wouldn’t have me here. There’s only just so much I can change, and there’s no use grumbling about what I can’t change. Like people, for example. If God put someone in my path that rubs me wrong, and I can’t change them, then He must have ordained them to teach me! Same with life’s situations.

Now... Go take on the day….

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permission to learn::MOUTH ALMIGHTY! (5)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

the teacher complex
Sometimes we’re so busy thinking about how to change the people around us, that we forget to look out how we need to be changed. I have a problem with this. My mind is often so full of what I could teach someone, if they’d just listen to me, that I’m in danger of missing a chance to learn. I perseverate sometimes, creating elaborate, eloquent, and ego-shredding tongue-lashings in my head.

Seriously, sometimes I lose sleep thinking of things I would say to someone if I had the chance. If nothing else, I get to work on perfecting one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned in life—keeping my mouth shut!

And that’s no small thing, really.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we could listen twice as much as we talk. I heard a public speaker excusing himself recently, saying that he was given the “gift” of public speaking but not of listening. Hogwash! How can a man be an effective communicator without listening to, and learning from, the people he wishes to reach? Whether a person is gifted with public speaking skills or not, talking too much is a disease (and sometimes, I think, an epidemic).

No really, you're thinking, I have something people should hear! And it may very well be true, but all in the appropriate time. If people aren’t asking for it, guess what? They’re probably not listening to you anyway! Not only will you be flapping your lips in the wind, but as long as your mouth is open and something is coming out, your ears are closed and so is your chance to learn something.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with an urge to share your thoughts as long as you don’t victimize unwilling listeners: just start a blog! ☺

motormouth
If you ever find yourself feeling like no one listens to you enough, there’s a chance you talk too much. Think about your conversations with people: is the amount of information shared more about you and your life, or more about them? A person who talks about themselves in conversation is dull company indeed, while a person who asks about others is considered a brilliant conversationalist.

You can’t go wrong if you commit yourself to asking lots of questions about someone else and not saying anything about yourself until your asked. If the person you’re talking to never asks about you, trust me, it’s not worth sharing yourself with them! Maybe they just need someone to listen to them, and you’re that person, or maybe they are narcissists, or just haven’t learned the art of brilliant conversation.

You might be thinking, I don’t talk about myself, I talk about other people. Ummm, let’s not even go there!

Here’s another good reason to hold your tongue: quiet people seem smarter. If you’re not convinced, open up your Google browser and type in “quiet people smart”. You’ll be surprised how many links pop up! Quiet people definitely give an impression of being smarter.

Whatever the truth is, I bet they take in more of what goes on around them, and therefore have more learning opportunities!

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” Proverbs 17:28
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permission to learn::religious conviction (4)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

It’s really amazing what has been accomplished in the name of God.

Elijah scolded King Ahab in his own palace. Mary Magdalene, with her scandalous reputation, appeared brazenly in the presence of “godly” scholars to honor Jesus. David challenged a Giant at least twice his size and with as much more battle experience. I'm so inspired by these and other great people of faith!

“The greatest want of the world is the want of men,” says one of my favorite quotable quotes, “--men who will not be bought or sold;... men who do not fear to call sin by it's right name."

But it’s also disturbing what horrors have been done in God’s name.

Rome ravished thousands of faithful martyrs. Women are brutalized even today. Nations and church board meetings wage war. Demonstrators picket soldiers' funerals. Elderly ladies tell young women they can’t lead out in the church song service because of how they dress or look. Well-studied listeners bravely rebuke preachers for “erroneous” doctrine.

I’m always amazed how a “conviction from God” can make people feel that they have license to be so un-Christlike to each other. It’s nothing less than the spirit of terrorism.

But there isn’t a soul on earth that we can’t learn something from, no matter how wrong we believe they are. Next time you’re confronted with someone you think has it all wrong, maybe ask yourself a few questions:

• What journey did this person experience in order to arrive at the place they are today? 
• What might they have been taught that I’ve never heard before? 
• What kind of pain have they suffered? 
• What has God done to try to get this person’s attention, how much does He love them? 
• How is He asking you to represent that love? 

Then open your ears and your heart, whether to the rebellious teenager, the heretical pastor, or the psychic on the corner.
Being willing to learn from a person doesn’t automatically mean adopting their mindset or habits. It is certainly true that some people and belief systems are not safe. I’m not saying that we should subject our minds to things against our faith in order to better understand the world. But when we are exposed to them, which is unavoidable, we should always pray for spiritual eyes, to see people’s hearts.

God views every heart without shading His eyes. And He passionately loves each one! We can learn a great deal about the human heart and mind this way, we can learn to be grateful for a knowledge of God, and we can especially learn about our own prejudices if we are willing to examine ourselves. Everything that comes to us is a gift of learning.

So when SHOULD we stand up to wrong?

One, after we have spent so much time with God that our response to sin is first one of grief, and then indignation for the hurt that it causes.

Two, when we love the person so much that we long for their salvation, and our reaction to wrong is with the idea of doing whatever we can to redeem, not to destroy or discourage.

Remember what Jesus did in the face of the worst evil in the history of the universe? He submitted himself to his enemy, and gave his life to death at the hands of the sinners he loved. Are you willing to do that? If you can't confront wrong without keeping in mind that the doer is a child of a God with a precious heart, you might do well to keep your “righteous” indignation to yourself.

I’m not expert enough to share precisely how to tell the difference between "godly conviction to confront wrong" versus "self-righteous indignation". Each of us comes with our own set of biases that cloud our vision. Familiarity with these is the best defense against confusing them with conviction from God.

I can tell you a few things of which I’m sure: when God compels a man or woman to confront wrong, it does not lead to angry outbursts that disgrace God’s name. It does not wound. It will not make you feel smug and justified!

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) Let’s not get confused between “spiritual forces of evil” and fellow human beings.

So what can we learn from people whom we believe are wrong?

1) About ourselves.
Examine your heart before reacting to error. Are your feelings in line with the Love of God? Be hard on yourself. Identify whether or not your feelings have something to do with things you’ve experienced rather than what you know of God.

2) About what we truly believe regarding the topic at hand. 
It’s easy to respond negatively to something that goes against cherished beliefs, without really examining our beliefs closely. We should be very sure that we are standing by truth, not man’s tradition.

“Study to show yourself approved to God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” (2 Timothy 2:15)

3) About life: every person has a different set of life experiences. Every person you meet is a veritable encyclopedia of experiences you’ve never had that could help you understand our world better.

4) How to be more Christlike.
Patience, compassion, humility... If we can practice applying these attitudes to people who rub us the wrong way, we are on our way to being more like the Master, and it will come more naturally the next time.

5) That every person has a journey to walk with God.
A wayward kid is no more of a Christian after you scold him for the music he’s listening to. If he truly doesn’t know God, pray for God to reveal Himself and then represent Christ-likeness in your actions. If the kid DOES have a relationship with God, trust that the Holy Spirit will convict them of what is right, when the time is right. As PWs we have to be careful not to try to be the Holy Spirit to someone else. That's blasphemy.

Even parents, senior pastors, and regional church leaders are on a journey.

They are human. They stumble and reach out to grasp the hand of God just like anyone else. Their journey is often more painful because that they are held to a higher standard. We can do a great deal to encourage or discourage our spiritual leaders by our attitude towards them.

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permission to learn::suppression & arrogance (3)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

SUPPRESSION
I believe there some have experienced so much criticism in their lives that they survive in a small cubicle, surrounded by walls of self-doubt, unable to peek beyond or even understand that there is a world out there to learn from.

Some have built up a nice little mental living space for themselves, complete with carefully groomed creeds and perspectives that keep them entertained. Others live in dark emptiness, having learned that outside of those walls is pain, or a world which they have been told they are not valuable for. Their cubicle is little more than a coffin.

Such a person needs to be given permission to learn. He may not even realize how stuck he is, because his cubicle is so well stocked with his comforting library of dogma. She may feel like there is no purpose in learning or bettering herself because she has nothing to contribute to her world. He might even believe that he is too stupid to learn.

These kinds of limitations tend to apply to both the very old and the very young. I wonder, sometimes, for a person who has been in a cubicle for many years, and has been taught to stay there by, say, a critical spouse or a domineering religious conviction, how much hope there is of breaking out? With God, all things are possible, but people are especially in need of compassion and gentleness.

If you are reading this and feel that you are in danger of stagnating because of suppression, take this as your permission to learn! Remember, God doesn’t make junk, and there is no child of His on earth who lacks value or intellect to learn from and contribute to life.

He will teach you, and He will use you!

ARROGANCEWe’ve all known someone who simply refuses to be taught because they are convinced they are better than, and know more than, the people around them. I have little to say about this one, because I think the arrogant person is typically motivated by underlying shame and fear of criticism or rejection.

Probably every one of us has been guilty of responding with arrogance to a potential learning experience because we either feel threatened, or we think we’re superior to the lesson. If we feel threatened, that’s a sure sign we have something to learn, and if we feel superior to the lesson, the first thing to learn is that we are NEVER superior to ANY lesson!

(To be continued...)

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permission to learn::self-protectiveness (2)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

SELF-PROTECTIVENESS...
...From Judgment
Once a church member pulled me aside after church and told me I should never correct my husband in front of other people. I smiled and agreed, but inside I was a ball of rebellious emotions.

Was she sexist? What did she know about my relationship with my husband? Who was she to advise me on marriage issues: she’d only been married once, and he tried to run her over with a car! In fact, because my husband preached to that group in his second language, she and the other listeners corrected him throughout his whole sermon!

Even though in the back of my mind I knew it shamed my husband to be corrected in front of other people, and I was willing to try not to, I allowed a wedge to come in my heart between myself and that woman. I did not like feeling vulnerable to someone who I felt was judging me and misunderstanding me. I didn’t like her to think she had that liberty with me.

I put a wall of protectiveness up and kept a careful rein on myself in that circle from then on.

...From Hurt
We’ve all had someone who has hurt us. Sometimes the people closest to us know how to push our buttons like no one else does. They know where are weakest points are, and they love to drive an ice pic into them now and then.

Sound familiar? How can we learn from people like that? I’ll let you know when I have the answer. I just know the important part is being willing to learn.

...From Being Wrong
Some of us have this funny idea that we must be right all the time, and if we’re every wrong or make a mistake or fail, it will be totally devastating. This can be even more pronounced in those of us with religious convictions. Ironic, since the Bible doesn’t ever condone this kind of self-standard. In fact, God assures us that when our heart condemns us, to remember that He is greater than our hearts. (1 John 3:20)

This kind of impossible standard leads to all kinds of pit-falls. Besides preventing us from learning from common mistakes, it separates us from others. We cannot allow people to see our imperfections, because it hurts too much. And if we are ever nuts enough to convince ourselves we have arrived at flawlessness, then we become superior too, and often critical of others. Then we become the kind of person that others protect themselves from, and the cycle continues.

Ironically, the person we can learn the most from is often the person we feel the need to be most RIGHT around—that’s right, our spouse.

...From Being Consumed
I’m realizing this is one I especially struggle with. In trying to figure out why I shut myself off from vulnerability to certain people, I've concluded that sometimes I’m just afraid to be sapped. These people aren’t exactly harmful. "What do they want from me that I’m afraid to give them?" I have had to ask myself.

It’s not money. They want time, some of them, which I try to give. I listen politely, but not with my heart.

I think it’s really affirmation that I’m afraid to give. I don’t know if this possibly makes sense, I’m only beginning to recognize it myself. There are some people that seem to desperately need to be recognized, acknowledged, agreed with. Sometimes I don’t think they deserve recognition, sometimes I disagree with them, and usually I find their approach simply irritating. Something in me senses their vacuum for a connection that for some reason I am unwilling to give.

And what exactly would it take from me to do that for them? I don’t know. I only know sometimes I don’t feel capable, I don’t feel like I have enough for them, there are so many of them, and then to have enough for my family and myself. Enough of what? I don’t know. I don’t know!

Then there are cases where people do want more of our time and resources than we can give. And we do put up walls to protect those things. We need God to show us where the balance is on that, but I don’t think the answer is ever to close our hearts to anyone.

...From Being Devalued
Once I complained to my husband about feeling like I needed help from someone who had a good eye for style. He recommended someone he thought could help me. I couldn’t do it, because I already felt like a pathetic country bumpkin in that person’s eyes. I felt misunderstood, and couldn’t bear to confirm what I perceived was their opinion of me.

I’m not saying my reasons were right or wrong, simply that shame can prevent us from being learners.

Self-protectiveness causes us to build barriers around ourselves that keep us locked inside. This is something we do to ourselves, a survival mechanism in an unfriendly world. It's a natural result of a healthy mind, in most cases, and serves a purpose, but we also need to recognize when it is limiting us.

There are other things that can keep us from learning, most of which could be categorized under self-protectiveness, but may not always be as easy to identify.

(To be continued...)

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permission to learn (1)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

We recently sat down for a visit with a family friend who has been a great source of wisdom and support in our lives. As we chatted about life’s challenges, he told us about his early days as a teacher in a junior high classroom.

“When I started teaching,” he said, “I made it a point to establish right from the beginning that I was the teacher and THEY were the students.” He laughed, “Those kids spent the rest of the year making me a student!”

He went on to explain, “It wasn’t until I realized I didn’t have all the answers that I gave myself permission to learn.”

In fact, now in his work with teens, he makes it a point to listen most distinctly to the most difficult ones, because he believes they have the answers that will help him understand how to minister to others.

It reminded me of something I once heard said by Pastor Clarissa Sproul. If you have committed yourself to be a student of God, she says, you better realize that every situation in life is a potential learning opportunity. That means every PERSON in your life is your teacher! Every single person.

That challenged my thinking.

I thought I was pretty teachable, but when I started going through the list of “difficult” people in my life, I discovered a whole university's worth of potential teachers that I wasn’t especially comfortable with.

EVERY person?

That includes the Critical Church Member. The Schizophrenic off the street. The Guy who’s beliefs sound heretical to mine. The Difficult Family Member. And my own Spouse—ouch!

So what exactly is preventing me from being willing to learn in these situations?

There are a number of reasons any of us might refuse to learn, and that's what this series of posts is about. 

(To be continued...)

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