dear abigail::what's the PW etiquette for gift-giving?

Dear Abigail,
Graduation season is approaching and my PH and I will be invited to many graduation parties.  Last year, my PH wasn't yet on staff at our church so we attended only the parties to which we were given a written invitation. There were only a few, so we were able to give a small cash gift to each of the graduates. 

But now that my husband is the senior pastor at our church, we'll be personally invited to many more parties, and are likely expected to attend those posted in our church bulletin (even if we don't receive an actual invite).  

How do we handle this?  It seems impossible to attend every one, especially since we will have a newborn at the time.  And, how do we handle gifts?  We aren't in a financial position to give cash to each graduate anymore, but don't want to seem stingy either.  What's the etiquette? ~ PW in MI

Dear PW in MI,

It's tough having a generous heart on a short budget, isn't it? First of all, it's important to treat all invitations with appreciative grace, whether you can attend or not. 

Your PH can forestall many issues by making a simple announcement from the pulpit a couple of weekends in a row, along the lines of: "Summer is almost here, and my lovely wife and I wish that we could attend the parties of every single graduate this year, because we are so proud of all of you. However, with the new baby coming, my wife needs to rest and I'll be spending a lot of time caring for her and the baby, so we regret that we won't be able to celebrate with each of you personally!"

In late spring, or when all the graduates are home for the summer (if they have gone away to college or boarding schools), you and your husband might plan a "Graduates' Blessing". Invite all the graduates to come forward during the worship service, and both of you can congratulate and bless them for their achievements in front of the congregation. Give them each a card with a thoughtful, handwritten message and a carefully selected bible verse from the two of you. 

This way you will have created a way to celebrate with all your graduates without over-taxing your energy, dragging your newborn to dozens of parties, or overdrawing your checking account. And hopefully the spiritual blessing will stand in the memory of your young people for years to come.

~ Abigail

Dear Abigail,
As a PW I am often invited to every birthday party, baby shower and wedding shower -- and I LOVE to attend them!  

We can't afford to buy presents for each one, yet I feel bad if I show up empty handed.  What is the best way to handle this?  I don't want to miss out on important moments in people's lives or offend someone if I go to one party and not another.  But buying gifts for everyone adds up  quickly.

Do you have any ideas or gift suggestions that are both meaningful and budget friendly? ~ Jana

Dear Jana, 

You and PW in MI have a lot in common: an obvious love of people, enjoyment of giving gifts, and a slim budget. 

For celebratory parties where a gift is expected, try shopping at places like Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Ross (assuming you're in the USA) where you can find tasteful and attractive gifts at a very low cost. Some pastor families choose to set aside a percentage of their offering just for this purpose, since there is usually little money left in their budgets otherwise, and they consider the giving of small gifts as part of their ministry.

If you are artistic, you might consistently give a gift that is handcrafted - such as a knitted scarf, or a bookmark with a bible verse in calligraphy, or whatever it is that you do. Or you might volunteer to bring a dish and help with the decorating. This way you can give the gift of your time.

Or, you and your PH may decide that your family policy is to never give gifts at all (unless it is to a family member or extremely close friend). If that is the case, then make sure to apply your policy across the board so no one feels hurt or left out. Instead, you can make it your tradition to give a lovely card with a handwritten message of blessing and encouragement, and a special scripture verse at every occasion.

Whatever you choose is fine, as long as you keep your policy consistent so that people don't feel that you're playing favorites. Most people understand that the pastor's budget can't stretch to give fancy presents at everyone's party, and what they want most is the support of your presence and acknowledgement. 

~ Abigail

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dear abigail::what do I do when my PH needs spiritual revival?

Dear Abigail,
What should I do if I feel that my PH is in need of a spiritual revival?  

I don't want to judge his personal relationship with the Lord, but as a mom who spends a lot of time at home, I know his schedule quite well.  From what I can see, he does not commit much time to personal Bible study and prayer outside of sermon preparation (which is not much time some weeks).  We don't have a consistent schedule for worship and prayer as a family.  When we do worship or pray together as a family, it seems that I am the one to initiate it most times.  

I want my husband to be the spiritual head of our home regardless of his profession, but it makes me all the more frustrated when there are days he has had prayer with members of the church and not members of his family.  I know I need to pray about this a lot more because I feel myself getting bitter sometimes--and that doesn't make for a great attitude.  Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. 

I'm not sure what to do.  I just want want our family to be saved in God's kingdom and I know that comes from accepting God's sacrifice and having a real relationship with Him.  Please advise.

Thank you,
Wisdom Wanted

Dear Wisdom Wanted,

I think every PW can relate to your question on some level, even if it's only for periods of time in between spiritual vibrance.  It's understandable to feel bitter or frustrated when our PHs - who are supposed to be spiritual leaders to everyone else - drop the ball at home. After all, no matter who they pastor "out there", they are first and foremost the husbands and fathers and priests of our homes. It is a good thing that you are sensitive to your family's need for spiritual growth.

The way we live our lives indicate our priorities, and our children are the first to be able to identify what our real priorities are (vs what we say they are). It’s true that our PHs spend a lot of time in “spiritual matters,” but they will become more successful in every area of their lives if they spend quality personal and family time in worship and prayer. Obviously, you already recognize this, or you wouldn't be longing for more.

Is your PH burnt out in ministry from working too hard and not staying balanced with his rest, exercise, and family time? Is he only holding it together for his public ministry and then letting it collapse at home because he's overwhelmed? Have you/he recently weathered a crisis that has left him dried up in his relationship with God?

Or is his personality quiet and laid-back, where after spending his days talking and listening to others he has nothing left to say at home? If your personality is more bubbly and talkative, he might be perfectly willing to just let you lead at home since he is outside his comfort zone all day every day - and he might have no idea that it bothers you or that he is letting down his family.

Whatever the reason, the first thing to do is pray for your PH. Ask God to work on his heart and on yours too, so that you'll have a Christlike spirit when you communicate about it. When the time is right to bring it up, try expressing your concern and asking if he would pray with you about where the Lord is leading your family spiritually.  If you seek God together, it might be a smoother transition than if you take the lead or verbalize criticism.

Build him up in front of your kids, and make sure he can hear you when you do. Tell the kids how lucky they are to have such a great dad, or get them involved in doing something special for him. However it works best for you and your family's personality, get the whole family to show support for daddy as the well-respected priest of the home. Your children will naturally mirror your attitude of respect or disdain for their father.

Here's the advice of two seasoned PWs:

1. Pray for your husband. We know our husbands like no one else.  We know their schedules and their “comings and goings,” but we cannot know their hearts like God does. Our prayers on our PH’s behalf will guard us from becoming overly judgmental and will assure us that the Holy Spirit is working. Pray for his spiritual well-being & that God will convict him to lead more at home. Pray for creative, gentle ways to express your longing to him. Pray for your own response when he begins to try!
   
2. Talk to your husband. He may also be wishing things were different or he might not even know how strongly you feel. Share how important it is to you that he initiates (versus putting him down or condemning him). Tell him how your admiration and respect for him grows when he leads at home. Tell him it's sexy when he takes charge. (And then be alert to when he does take charge, and applaud him for it - whether it's exactly how you imagined it or not.)
   
   
3. Have your own devotions.
   
   
   
   When your PH sees you reading your Bible, hopefully he will eventually start thinking about reading his Bible as well. With small children you might be lucky to have 10 minutes a day in the word, but try to aim for at least a little time each day - when your husband is home and can see you praying and reading. You can also try asking your PH to read  and pray with you sometimes in the evening if he doesn't get home too late.
   
   
4. Keep up daily family worship. Usually it is possible to be all together in the morning around breakfast. You may have to keep initiating but also ask your PH if he has any new ideas he might like to try. (Being confrontational is usually not the answer.) Continue having evening worship with the kids at bedtime, and share with your husband the cute things that they say during prayers.
   
   Worships don’t need to be long, dull services, just meaningful praise to God and simple spiritual instruction for the children. Including a song and prayer, 10 minutes is plenty. The habit of worshiping and praying together as a couple and family in the early years will likely prevent conflicts in later years.  It’s a ritual worth cultivating!
   
   
5. Affirm his smallest attempts to take charge. If he tries to call the family for worship, gather the kids immediately and urge them to listen and respond to daddy - even if it is at an inconvenient time of day, or isn't what you'd planned. Some men give up easily if their efforts to lead are ignored, rejected, or criticized. Leave the constructive comments for a few months down the road and rejoice when he tries to fulfill his role at home.  

Read the book, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldridge, to discover more insights into your PH's masculine soul. Remember, things may not get better right away (they may even get worse), but don't get discouraged.

And by all means, when God works out a change in your family, let ABIGAIL know about it so we can rejoice with you!

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DEAR ABIGAIL::biblical advice for young PWs

DEAR ABIGAIL is an advice column where young PWs can ask for biblical wisdom about their situations, challenges, and difficulties.

ABIGAIL was a woman known for her generosity, intuition, industry, discernment, hospitality, loyalty, strength and wisdom.

DEAR ABIGAIL is about learning to become young pastors' wives with the same qualities, as we journey in ministry with our husbands.

Email your DEAR ABIGAIL inquiry to: clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com. 

Subject heading: DEAR ABIGAIL.

Letters and answers will be posted on the CLUTCH website.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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