new places, new faces...

I got this bouquet last weekend.

It was the first weekend at our new church. The congregation was warm, friendly, and the church seemed to thrum with vibrancy. It felt like it was nearly bursting at the seams.

I've never been welcomed in a new district like that before. In one previous district on our first weekend, no one seemed to know or care that we were the new pastors. Granted, it was a large church and we weren't the only pastoral family. But still... after my husband's first sermon we waited for lunch plans. A welcome potluck? No. An invitation home? Huh uh.

Not last weekend - in this district it was like meeting a new family. Of course, there were little things. Like the woman who came up and commented that "your baby was really fussy during church!"

(And I swallowed back the retort that would have sounded something like: "Lady, my kid is 11 weeks old. He sat quietly on his daddy's lap during a 15-minute children's story, and fussed for LITERALLY NINETY SECONDS at the beginning of the sermon before conking out for a nap. I got up at 5:30 this morning so I could make it to church on time with my hair fixed and in a church dress. Yesterday I cooked all afternoon so I could bring a dish to my own welcome potluck. And right now my whole body is screaming 'cause I'm carrying a diaper bag in one hand and a 14-pound baby in the other, wearing a girdle and standing in 4-inch heels because I want to make a good impression on our first weekend here. You are NOT seriously going to stand here and try to tell me that my baby was too fussy!")

But if I'd blurted all that I might as well have just come in my pajamas, 'cause it would have obliterated any good impression I was trying to make.

And honestly, in this new place - where my husband is the senior pastor and I'm the only pastor's wife - I really did want to make a good impression. I want them to like me. I long to make new girlfriends. I very much DO NOT want to tick anyone off on the first day!

I don't think most people have any idea just how much the pastor's wife wants to be liked. Or how desperately we hope to find friends. Or how we cringe when other women our age look intimidated just by walking past us.

So that's my latest first-weekend-in-a-new-church story. How about you?

How do you feel the first time your husband preaches in a new church? Do you do anything special to get off on the right foot?

Spill.

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guest blog: 30 ways PWs can show their churches some love

A pastor's wife can often be her husband's best asset or his biggest hindrance in ministry. She might see the church as her enemy- the job takes him away from her, their children, and their home. All plans are tentative, depending on what needs arise in the congregation. When pastors' wives stop seeing themselves in a battle for his attention, they can begin partner with their husbands in ministry. Like Priscilla and Aquila, they work together to disciple and minister to others.

Here are 30 Practical Ways Pastors' Wives Can Show Their Churches Some Love
1. Pray for members specifically and often.
2. Smile, a lot.
3. Serve the church with your gifts and talents.
4. Be a willing hostess.
5. Show and tell your children's Sunday School teachers and youth leaders how much you appreciate them.
6. Don't always be the last one to pick up your kids from their classes or child care.
7. Don't take the best parking spot.
8. Don't expect youth to baby-sit for free.
9. Write cards, letters, and/or emails to members.
10. Keep confidential matters confidential.
11. You can't do all things for all people, but be careful not to just do some things for some people.
12. Do not participate in gossip.
13. Respect your husband as the head of your family and the leader of your church.
14. Spare your friends in the church the details of your marriage, find other women to share with who are not in your church.
15. Be real about your life, family, and weaknesses.
16. Keep your home tidy (I'm not saying immaculate) for visitors.
17. Give generously of your time, money, and possessions.
18. Be visible and approachable around church.
19. Realize that some of the pressure you put on yourself is just that- self-inflicted, and not from the church.
20. Take time to feed yourself spiritually- grow in the spiritual disciplines of prayer, bible study, and worship.
21. Don't take a job or position just because if you don't no one else will, allow others to step up and use their gifts.
22. Get to know women in different life stages from your own and learn from them.
23. Be willing to accompany your husband on visits and in meetings so he is not alone with a woman.
24. Know your weakness and try to strengthen them. For example, read a book on counseling (like Women Helping Women by Fitzpatrick and Cornish) or hospitality.
25. Make your husband a better preacher by giving constructive suggestions at the appropriate time.
26. Keep yourself healthy.
27. Forgive and forget.
28. Keep frozen cookie dough in the freezer to bake when some one stops by the house.
29. Take care of your appearance.
30. Serve more than you expect to be served.

Sandra Peoples is a pastor's wife living in Pennsylvania. She is the SAHM of two busy boys. She blogs at Today's Housewife with friends.

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hospitality to young mothers: how older women can help

We've been at our church for a little over a year. In that time, the friendships that I've built have been with other mothers who also hang out in the mother's room. A few months ago, when my son was about 10 months, I had one of the older women in the church come and tell me that when her kids were small, they didn't need a mother's room. Her kids would sit in church quietly in the 2nd pew for the whole service.

I told her straight up, "I don't believe you."

As a PW, I want contribute to the atmosphere of being open, honest and real and not allowing people to make young mothers feel bad that their children are acting like children in church.

Probably because I'm in the thick of it, I feel a special burden for this segment of the congregation...and when my kids get older, I pray that I don't forget how hard it was to manage.

What can I do to encourage older women to, at best, be helpful to mothers with children, encourage them and assist them or at least, not be critical and make them feel inadequate?

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a welcoming atmosphere for mothers with young children

I've heard from many mothers of young children who said they visited certain churches and would never return because there was no comfortable place for them to meet their children's needs. Though some churches have nurseries, where you can drop your baby off while you go participate in the service, many smaller churches do not. At the very least, these churches should have a designated room for mothers to feed their babies, change diapers, rock baby to sleep and be able to hear/watch the service.

Unfortunately, meeting this need has been an after-thought for many congregations and an untold number of mothers have, as a result, felt unwelcome and uncomfortable.

I've been bugging and begging the senior pastor of our church (my husband is the associate) to please do something in order for mothers with babies (especially) to have a place to tend to their children. It's coming along slowly but surely...

About a year ago, I was a guest podcaster on my PHs blog where we detailed what churches could do to make mother's feel welcomed. Here's what we came up with. (Listen here.)

Assuming that your church offers a Mother’s Room/Lounge, make sure that it is:

1. Easily accessible

2. Private

3. Single-use

4. Quiet and comfortable

5. Equipped with sound, video or some access to experience church service

6. Well-equipped with extras (wipes, diapers, rocking chair, etc.)

7. Baby proof

8. Clean

In addition:

9. The culture of your church should be welcoming and understanding

10. Train your ushers to assist the mamas hauling babies.

Does your church have a special place for mothers and babies? What are the key elements you think a mother's lounge/mother's room should include?

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creating atmospheres of warmth

We've served in some genuinely warm congregations. And also some icy cold ones. But we've learned that the pastor's example can make a big impact. Here's a few things we've discovered that PHs and PWs can do to make a difference:

• do your best to learn member's names, and greet them with a warm handshake or a hug
• notice visitors, greet them, ask them how they enjoyed the service, and invite them back or to a small group/church outing/sports meet/children's activity that might interest them
  
• have one weekend a month where you make extra food for lunch and then wait to issue an invitation until after church, asking God to help you notice someone that you should invite (we have made the most extraordinary connections this way, and it has often been the start of new friendships)
• invite a family from your congregation over for a spaghetti supper, nothing fancy, just an hour of getting-to-know-you-better - I know one pastoral family who has this tradition every Friday night...
  
• actually answer your phone when church members call (unless it's during your sacred family time, and then be sure to call back), I had one woman tell me after a meaningful phone prayer time: "I've never EVER been able to actually make contact with a PW before, and I'm so grateful you didn't screen my call!"
• urge members to gather together for social events and get to know each other better
• spend a little time in the church lobby each week (if your current children's ages permit), and just be available to chat with people, it doesn't have to be long - but your visual availability speaks volumes
  
• don't exceed your limitations or over-commit yourself

One guest speaker at our church recently said, "Remember, food + people = evangelism." I've been thinking about it ever since. And it's true, Jesus did much of his ministry around a table. Food may not be the only avenue to create warmth, but it sure can go a long way!

How do YOU find ways to foster warmth and genuine relationships among your church family? What activities suit YOUR personality and gifts?

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PMS::creating a warm church

It's PMS week again, girls. (In case you're new to CLUTCH, that stands for Problems, Mistakes, Sins.)

This June, we're talking about the Problem of cold churches. Now, we all know there are different kinds of cold.

Some churches are just plain unfriendly.

Others are only friendly if you know someone who is already there and gets you "in".

And others seem to be full of hugs and warmth - until you have a problem or a crisis, and then everyone just melts away into their own business.

So how, as PW's, can we help to create warm churches? You know, the kind where people are genuinely cared for, where visitors get invited after church for a meal or to a relevant activity, where people lovingly build each other up and hold each other accountable?

I'm not saying it's the PW's job, or that we are solely responsible for generating warmth. But it seems like we could each make a difference in our own ways, if we wanted. Contrary to the outside world's assumptions that Christians are all hypocrites, isn't church supposed to be a place where people feel like coming back?

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