PMS::setting telephone boundaries

Does your phone never stop ringing? Breakfast, supper, family devotions - all interrupted?

Church members have lots of needs. Meeting those needs is what the pastor does for a living. But that doesn't mean that members don't sometimes need to gently learn some boundaries. They still need to respect the pastor's family time.

We've talked about having family day and date nights, but what about the phone that won't quit ringing? Does your otherwise-sensible PH feel like he simply HAS to answer every call? Do you feel guilty telling people that you can't do something?

Here are a few ideas if you and your PH need help getting started:

• Set specific pastoral office hours. Whenever possible, schedule all appointments within those hours. Let members know your planned office hours and then be consistently available during those times.
• Utilize your voicemail. Especially after office hours. If it's an emergency, call them back. If it's not, wait until tomorrow's office hours.
  
• Turn off your home phone ringer in the evenings and on family days and date nights. Let it all go to voicemail. Be sure to check the voicemail for emergencies, but don't feel obligated to respond to things that can wait until tomorrow.
  
• If you have pushy members, consider making a cute but clear answering message that says something like: "You've reached Pastor So-and-So. If it's daytime and I'm not answering the phone it means I'm either in a meeting or helping someone. If it's Wednesday, this is the one day of the week that my kids have unlimited access to my time. If it's Thursday night, then I'm on a romantic date with my wife. Please do leave a message, and I'll be happy to respond when I'm available!"
• When people ask you (the PW) for commitments to participate/attend/whatever, practice a standard answer of: "It sounds great, I'll just have to check with my PH first before I can give you an answer." Urge your PH to do the same, and you can eliminate the majority of your double-bookings and over-commitments.
• Put your family and spouse in your appointment book. When you have a date or a family activity planned, don't be afraid to tell people: "I'm sorry, I have a meeting/appointment/obligation that afternoon, but I'd be happy to meet with you at such-and-such a time instead." If you don't, family and dates easily get pushed aside - because everything in ministry seems so urgently important. So just lock it on your calendar and don't budge.

Got more? How do you set boundaries while serving unselfishly? Have you and your PH developed a code phrase or signal to each other for when you need to communicate? Where do you draw the line to keep your family first?

Read more...

PMS::when people ask you to take a church job

About a year into my life as a PW, an elderly PW gave me some sage advice:

"Any time you move to a new church district, never take any kind of job or role or responsibility for the first 6 months."

At the time I kind of thought she was being too dramatic. Why wait so long? What's the big deal? I like to be involved at church! Shouldn't I be active right away?

Time proved her right. Taking a few months off in a new place gives the PW time to adjust, get fully settled into a new house, learn her way around town and just get into her groove without any pressure.

Also it gives the PW a little time to just get to know the people. No fuss, no accidentally accepting the job that Mrs. So-and-So has been trying to get for the past eighteen months. Just the freedom to get acquainted, make friends, and observe.

It gives you a chance to find out where the real needs are - not just the imaginary ones. That way you can accept the roles where you are gifted and passionate, instead of getting stuck in something that you don't like or can't do and feeling trapped.

So what do you do when people ask you to take a church job? What are your criteria for accepting or saying "no, thanks"? What are your boundaries?

Read more...

PMS::getting members used to your boundaries

Last week I had an unexpected early morning Facebook chat with a PW in California. It was around 4 AM her time, and she and her PH been awakened by a 3 AM phone call from a church member.

Seems this particular member has a nasty little habit of calling constantly, at all hours, and venting for 30 or 45 minutes at a time. Leaves them sleepless and frustrated before the sun even comes up.

"How do we get them to realize that we need personal space, family time, and a good night's sleep too?" Not that you wouldn't jump to help if there was actually an emergency, of course.

Sometimes you just need to say STOP.

There's always a period of adjustment in every church, with every pastor, concerning boundaries. When you first arrive to serve in a new church - that's the ideal time to set your boundaries and get people used to them. If the last pastor was single, and you have four kids, there's definitely going to be some differences in your needs for family time and privacy. Sometimes it takes church members a bit of time to adjust. But that's okay.

On the other hand, if you've been at a church for a while, and you're realizing that your family or your marriage is suffering - it can take a LOT of effort to put boundaries in place after people have gotten used to not having them. But it's worth the effort. This was the dilemma of my PW acquaintance in California. How do you help people learn to respect your family's space and needs when you didn't start out with those expectations?

If you're realizing you need more boundaries in order to keep your marriage or family healthy and whole as you serve in pastoral ministry, don't be afraid to take the leap. Explain to them how detrimental it is when you neglect your family, and that you just can't do it anymore. Enlist their help in keeping your spouse and kids protected.

Set some simple limits at first (we'll talk about things like phone boundaries later this week), to preserve family time and date nights. Communicate your intentions clearly, and then be sure to follow up consistently. If your PH has a weakness in this area, enthusiastically support his efforts to set boundaries, and work with him to achieve them.

A little communication goes a long way into the process of establishing healthy boundaries. And in the end, your family AND your church will both be better off.

Read more...

PMS::boundaries in your marriage

Whether or not you see it, church members observe your marriage. They pick up on things like how you interact in public, whether you are affectionate or not, if you seem to be fighting (even good-naturedly), and so on.

Members get a sense of security from feeling that the pastor is happily married and that the PW is well-treated (and that she treats the pastor well in return!). There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it can make things delicate when you just need to fight something out!

Boundaries in the pastoral marriage are not optional. They are absolutely, 200% necessary. And they work both ways - we need boundaries about what we do and say and how we handle ourselves in public (to avoid giving people unnecessary reasons to worry about the pastor), and we also need boundaries that give us a sense of privacy and protection away from the demands of ministry.

Some boundaries that we've found essential include:

• keep a sacred date night, preferably every week, but at least every other week - and let your church members know that barring emergencies, you are completely devoted to your spouse on that date night, no interruptions
  
• don't be too free with details about your marriage, unless there's a spiritually mentoring reason to share
• don't fight in public - no matter how tempting :)
• don't put each other down or ridicule each other's faults or opinions in front of others
• let church members know that you love each other in some visible, tangible way that suits your personalities and comfort zone (Sarah's PH always stops to have her join him and walk out of the church together after he preaches), find whatever works for you
• take a full day off each week, and (just like date night) let your church members know that this is your personal day to spend with your spouse and you simply won't be taking phone calls or appointments
• work to reconcile arguments as quickly as possible when you and your spouse disagree, instead of letting it hang over you like a cloud
• remember, no matter how great your ministry calling is, your first ministry is your marriage. PERIOD. No mission calling is worth the deterioration or loss of your spouse and family!
  

That's just what we can think of... what have you discovered to keep your marriage intact and sacred while you minister to others?

Let the comments roll!

Read more...

PMS::the problem of boundaries

If you're a regular CLUTCH reader, you know that the first week of the month is "that time". During PMS week, we tackle the tough Problems, Mistakes, and Sins that are particularly relevant in pastoral marriages and families.

This month, let's discuss the Problem of Boundaries.

Lately we've posted a lot about things like unselfish service and whole-hearted ministry. About helping kids realize that daddy's job is special, and that they can have a role in his ministry, too. But those ideas have to be balanced with healthy boundaries that keep our families safe and secure.

As you've read in the research we posted about why PKs leave the church, an absence of balance in pastoral families is one of the main causes. Pastoral families, like any other family, desperately need a sacred circle that keeps them close together and protects them from the world outside. Not in a rigid way, not in an overly-sheltered way, but in a way that keeps kids feeling safe and secure and that keeps marriages healthy and strong.

This week we want to hear your stories and experiences about setting boundaries. How sacred is your family time?

What strategies do you employ to keep your marriage safe?

How much ministry is too much?

Here goes, girls!

Read more...