5 friends every young PW needs...

• a PW your age who is at the same place in life. She knows what you're going through, because she went through it last week. You either both have kids or both don't, and have been married and in ministry about the same length of time. Her philosophies on life, ministry and parenting are similar to yours, and you can bounce ideas off each other without worrying what the other thinks. Most of all, you can trust her to be discreet.

• a PW older than you who can still remember what it felt like when she was your age. She is your mentor, confidante, advisor and friend. You can go to her when you want counsel rather than commiseration, when you need a godly woman's perspective. Her unvarnished feedback might sting sometimes, but helps you grow, and you know she loves you even though you're not perfect. Most of all, you know she's honest with you no matter what.
  
•  a totally NOT PW who is not a parishioner in your husband's church. She is someone fun and lively, spontaneous and full of laughter. You can go to her when you need to destress, relax, and let your hair down. Her company is enjoyable and invigorating, and she's full of encouragement and sass. She has great insights on things as someone outside pastoral ministry, and gives you a balancing view. Most of all, you can be real around her without worrying about what she thinks.
  
• a non-PW role model who is the embodiment of the godly woman you want to be. She oozes class, smarts, style and sweetness. You observe what she does and how she does it, and those observations make you dream bigger. Her qualities are something you'd like to see when you look in the mirror someday - and she may not even know it! Most of all, she inspires you toward greatness.
  
• a younger PW who is going through what you have already experienced. She looks up to you, seeks your opinion, and appreciates your stories, coaching and wisdom. You share what you've learned, not as an expert, but as a fellow traveler in the PW journey. Her admiration is a source of accountability to you, keeping you focused. Most of all, she gives you someone to pray for and encourage.

These five women probably won't all be in your life at the same time. If you're lucky, one or two of them will live close enough that you can actually hang out in person on a regular basis. Many of these relationships will probably stay alive through phone calls, emails, and social networks - but it helps just to know that they're there!

PS: If you've got a fabulous friend who falls into one of these categories - feel free to leave a shoutout comment below. And then send them a link to the post so they know how much you appreciate them! 

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guest blog: friendship DRAMA

Friendship.

We talk about it again and again here on Clutch, so I know it's an important issue for pastors' wives. Well ladies, since moving to our current church almost two years ago I prayed for friends. And I got friends. And now I don't know what to do with them!

I forgot that along with friends comes DRAMA!

And now I want out. Not out of the friendships, but out of the drama. Away from the she said/she said mess. Far away from, "Can you believe that she...."

So I think it's time to look outside of the church for friends. But for me, there is no "outside of the church." I'm a stay-at-home-mom of a four year old and two year old. Our oldest son goes to preschool at our church. And when preschool ends, he'll be homeschooled.

Where do I find friends outside of the church? What has worked for you?

Sandra and her PH Lee live and serve in Pennsylvania. Check out the blog she does with friends at Today's Housewife. You can follow also her on Twitter @HeartforHim.

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making ministry out of hobbies...

Sometimes, it seems to be very difficult to connect with people outside our husbands' congregation. I mean, there are so many needs and demands from the people at church, that as a PW it can start to feel exhausting. We still want to minister, and we want to share Jesus with people "out there" somewhere. But how?

Last Thursday night I decided to be brave and try out a fitness class at our new gym. BP (before pregnancy) I was a 5-days-a-week-at-the-gym kind of girl. But the last six and a half months of constant nausea kind of took the wind out of my sails.

But I believe regular exercise is a big part of being healthy with this body temple God gave me (you know, 1 Corinthians 6:19 and all), so now that I'm feeling a bit better I've been slowly going back. It's amazing how much slower I move at almost 7 months pregnant!

Since I don't want to overexert, I settled on AquaFit - a swimming pool class filled with little old ladies and.... me. The lady beside me was perhaps 75 years old, and from Wales. She asked when the baby was coming, and then shared about her hobbies - knitting and painting for all her grandchildren.

Perhaps I'm an odd duck for this generation, but I do a lot of practical hobbies too. Crocheting, needlework, sewing, gardening, etc... Knitting however is something I've never seemed to learn beyond the basics.

She told me she can knit just about anything, and has been doing it for years. I asked if she'd teach me sometime, since she lives so close by, or even if she'd be willing to teach a few ladies from my church. Her eyes lit up like she'd been asked to go to a banquet!

Next time I see her, I'm going to talk to her more about it. She seemed lonely and eager for friendship.

In the meantime, I left the AquaFit class reminded that even hobbies can give a chance to connect with somebody. My hobby of exercise, combined with my interest in knitting, and voila! A chance to minister.

Ever had a friendship or ministry opportunity come out of your hobby? Do share!

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an invitation to connect...

I've recently begun wishing there was a way for more CLUTCH readers to meet up in person. I admit I love online interaction, but no matter how real you are online there's a certain isolated sterility that you just can't avoid.

So I got the idea to plan a luncheon somewhere in my general area for any CLUTCH readers that might be within driving distance, so we could spend a few hours meeting together, connecting, and enjoying the fellowship already begun online.

Are there any CLUTCH readers in the general Chattanooga/Atlanta area?

If so, would you be interested in getting together with other CLUTCH readers for lunch in the near future? Just leave a comment below, or send me an email at: clutchtalk (at) gmail (dot) com.

For that matter, PW luncheons don't have to be limited to my local area. If any of you would be interested in meeting up with other readers in your area, leave a comment below so that you can find each other. If you'd be willing to help coordinate a group lunch date for those near you, please include your email address so that other PWs can contact you.

Can't wait to find out who lives near me!

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PW regional luncheon...

When my PH first started working in Georgia, I didn't participate or connect with other PWs for the first 3 years. He kept urging me to stop my self-imposed loneliness and be more friendly. I kept replying that since I was the new chick, the other PWs shouldn't make me do all the work!

Eventually, I got over myself and started showing up at a few events and activities. I'm glad I did, 'cause I've made some great friends since!

Every year, our region offers a spring luncheon for PWs from all around. During this year's camp meeting (see yesterday's post), I attended with about 100 other PWs of all ages. This particular luncheon is a no-miss event - great food, good speakers and lots of laughter makes it a must.
The speaker, Paula Montrose, shared her story of being a pastor's wife in the country of Guyana. When they moved to the USA, Paula begged her husband to stay away from the ministry. For 10 years he did other things, until he felt called to pastor again. The second time around, God gave Paula a love for ministry and people that she hadn't felt before.

Paula challenged the PW audience to embrace the fact that when we married our husbands, God also called us to the ministry in our own right. She urged us to refuse being trapped in any box that limits our gifts and talents, and instead to seek every opportunity to serve people side by side with our husbands as colleagues in ministry.

Afterwards I got a photo with her to share with CLUTCH.
Before the luncheon, I put a CLUTCH card at each place setting, so young PWs could join as readers, and older PWs could have the information for themselves or to share with younger friends. They also gave a keychain to every attendee, with a single mustard seed embedded in the center, and engraved with the text "If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed..."
Last, 10 lucky PWs had a slip of paper hidden under their plates, with a winning number on it. I NEVER win anything, anywhere - but this time I got lucky!
Becky Owens, a PW and nature photographer from TN had donated one of her framed photographs as a prize for the luncheon. Now I'll just have to find a good place to display it at home!

(Next year, I offered to crochet an afghan to give away as a prize - and other women offered their handiwork as well.)

Have you ever attended a PW luncheon? Do you regularly connect with PWs in your area through any activities? Got any ideas to share?

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camp meeting...

Okay, it's a really old-fashioned term. It brings to mind ancient tents with sawdust scattered between hard benches and creaky folding chairs.

Many churches have abandoned the idea. People are too busy, or too preoccupied to take a few days off and gather together for spiritual rejuvenation.

But not all denominations have abandoned the general idea. Some have yearly revival meetings, others have church campouts every summer. There are lots of ways we still keep the idea going.

Where I live (Atlanta, GA), we still happen to call it camp meeting. Everyone for miles around gathers at a Christian university campus for a long spring weekend of fun, fellowship and spiritual renewal. It's a far cry from the stereo-types, and our family loves it.

There are meetings for the kids all day long (free daycare, YAY!), great speakers, great music, and gorgeous spring weather.

Best of all, for me anyway, all the PWs from miles around are there as well. We have our own banquet luncheon, our own outings, and the rare chance to spend hours chatting uninhibited with PW friends we don't see the rest of the year!L>R: Brittany Cinquemani, Sarah Asaftei (me), Holly Elias, Elizabeth Wright, Denise Rustad - all young PWs or PGs (pastors' girlfriends) from the TN-GA area.

Does your church have regional get-togethers each year for spiritual renewal and fellowship?

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guest blog: the friendship application

We’re pastor’s wives. We're nice people. We need friends like anyone else. We know these things are true, so then why is it so hard for us to have strong, healthy friendships inside the church? I am thinking about offering a Friendship Application to every new friend I get, that way were clear from the get-go. These are things I would put on a friendship application if it wasn't totally weird to hand someone such a thing.

1. Will you trust me?
2. There are things you will tell me about ministry that I will have to tell my husband. Don't look at it like I am betraying you when I talk about issues in your area of ministry with my husband, who is your pastor.
3. My time with you will be very limited. I don't have free child care. My husband works totally random hours. When he's home, I'm home. He is more important to me than you are. Are you ok with that?
4. Will you trust me?
5. You have the power to make my life seem completely normal.
6. You have the power to destroy my ability to trust again.
7. Will you push me to greater levels of excellence in my own life? I seriously don't have it all together. I need someone to challenge me like everyone else.
8. Will you trust me?
9. Asking me to help get something done in your area of ministry is like me calling the Wal-Mart managers wife at home to clean up a spill on aisle 8. My life is at home. My job is not at the church.
10. We don’t answer the phone on my husband’s day off. Do you understand that doesn’t mean I don’t like you?

If you understand and agree with me on all these points, then, and only then, can we be close friends.

You know I am being slightly sarcastic with this. I am really just trying to figure out ways to convey these things to my friends without being overly rude. I love them, and don’t want to lose them. Not many will stick with you when they start learning that a friendship with a pastor’s wife is slightly conditional. Those that do will be the best friends you could ever ask for.

Michelle Wegner lives in Indiana where her PH, Rob, is a pastor at Granger Community Church. She has 3 girls, 2 dogs and a great blog.

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guest blog: dealing with the nastiness

I don’t always like women very much. Women can be nasty. The jobs I have kept that have all women on staff are the hardest jobs I have had. Women have this tendency to rip one another apart. I suppose gossip and slander are our ways of making ourselves feel better about our own insecurities.

A few months ago I had the opportunity be on a panel for a Pastor's Wife Q&A. The attendees were all women who had the same thing in common. They were all Pastors’ wives. They were all at different ages and stages of life, but their questions had an uncanny theme. The thing they asked most about was how to deal with criticism and the bitterness that follows.

Pastor’s wife or not, all women deal with feelings of bitterness when they are betrayed by a friend or criticized unfairly by someone they care about. Here are some things I have done to deal with these issues:

• Never fight back in the moment. You will say things you regret.
• Try to see the hurt the other person is talking through.
• Ask yourself if there is even a small amount of truth to what they are saying.
• Don’t feed the fire of your insecurities by brooding over these things in your mind
• Focus on others. A pity-party will only bring you down more.
• Keep a sense of humor. Most of what people find to be critical about is pretty funny.
• Wait till you are home or with your spouse to laugh. Laughing at them in the moment is almost as bad as fighting back in the moment.
• Remember that Jesus was criticized and betrayed by the ones He loved the most. He sees. He cares.

Psalm 56:8: You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Michelle Wegner lives in Indiana where her PH, Rob, is a pastor at Granger Community Church. She has 3 girls, 2 dogs and a great blog.

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