PMS: open thread on supporting PHs

Take a minute today and ask your husband this question:

What is one thing that I do, (or that you WISH I would do) to support you in your leadership as a pastor? What action of mine is the most meaningful to you in your ministry from me as your wife?"

Ask his permission to share his answer, and then tell us what he said in a comment below.

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PMS: 10 ways to give your PH amazing support

Here's the bookend to this week's earlier (humorous) post about ways to make sure nobody thinks your husband can do his job. This one is actually serious.

Try these, and your husband will not only love you forever, but his congregation will love him too. And most likely his pastoral career will blossom beyond his imagination. All thanks to you - his loving and adoring wife. (Well, at least his supportive and honoring wife, even if there are a few days when you question both his sanity and yours.) But hey, that's just part of being human, and being married.

1. Let his little mistakes go unnoticed. Others may not even have caught them, so avoid humiliating him by pointing them out.
2. Keep the cute anecdotes about his idiotic moments as private jokes between just the two of you.
3. Show up at church. Even if it isn't the church you'd pick if you had a choice, find something to love about it. Be there because he is there,unless you're sick, out of town, or otherwise prevented. Sit near the front if you can (assuming the age of your children allows any sitting at all). Be his biggest fan when he preaches or leads.
4. When he excels (or takes one of your brilliant suggestions), let people think it was all his idea. He'll feel like a star, and they'll think he's amazing. Most of all, when he does something great - let him know you thought he was fabulous. Let him overhear you bragging on him to someone else.
   
5. When he's forgetful or does something stupid, minimize your reaction. Remind him gently if you have to, but try not to him feel like a moron. He probably already feels stupid anyway, no need to rub it in.
6. Avoid letting people know when you don't agree on church issues. (Not that you can't duke it out at home if you need to, but keep a united front.) When people complain to you, find a way to build him up. Suggest that they approach him directly instead of taking their beef to you. If you secretly agree that your PH is wrong, stay neutral: "Well, I trust that my husband will do whatever he feels is the right thing." If they probe for your personal opinion, try: "Whether my husband or I agree is irrelevant. I believe in his ability to hear God's voice on his own, and I think he'll do what is best."
7. Never, EVER fight in front of other people. Keep even minor differences of opinion behind closed doors. It's okay to keep your opinion to yourself until you can discuss in private. And when you DO disagree in public, gracefully give him the last word while onlookers are watching. You'll increase their respect for him, and most likely their opinion of you in the process.
8. Don't point out his failures in front of guests. So what if he sets the table with the fork on the wrong side? At least he's not making you do it alone! And if the dishes were stacked in the dishwasher all wrong... suggest a better way to do it later - after the company has left.
9. Avoid making fun of him in front of friends - both his friends AND yours. His antics might make them howl with laughter, but he can feel like you're belittling his masculinity or leadership. If something seems innocent, check with him before broadcasting the tale.
10. Keep your agitation to yourself. He's guaranteed to make you steam now and then, but everyone else doesn't have to see the smoke coming out your ears. And just because there's an intense "discussion" coming his way doesn't mean the whole world has to know. Let some things stay private, really private.
    

Of course, this doesn't mean that you NEVER have conflict. But try letting your marital journey exist inside its own sacred circle without the congregation's prying eyes.

These tips might be specially worded for PWs, but they aren't necessarily new or earth-shaking. Wise women have known for centuries that they have the almost-exclusive ability to build up their husbands into powerful and confident men, or to tear them down beyond repair.

The proverb "Behind every great man stands a great woman", doesn't exist by accident. The only question is: Will we be those great women?

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PMS: how much do you really need to know?

When we first got married, I wanted my PH to tell me everything.

"No secrets between us!" was my mantra.

He, on the other hand, felt that there were some things about church politics that I was better off not knowing. Like when brother so-and-so flew into a rampage at board meetings, or when sister so-and-so shared something privately confidential in a counseling session.

"But how am I supposed to know how to interact with people if I don't know what's going on?" I would ask him.

He stuck to his guns. "Some stuff you just don't need to know," he said over and over. "It doesn't help me to tell you, and it sure doesn't help you to hear it."

Almost 7 years of ministry and marriage later - I'm glad he did. I've learned that if I'm going to support his decisions and his leadership, sometimes there really are things I'm better off not knowing. Seems like God gave men a compartmentalizing ability that we women just don't have - at least in my experience.

My PH can know the most horrid details about someone, or endure a vicious personal attack and still manage to give them a genuine greeting after church. Me? I'd need restraints just to keep from clawing their eyes out in his defense.

Sometimes he comes to me asking for my input about how to navigate a delicate matter. Other times he just needs the freedom to handle touchy situations without my narration from the peanut gallery. Usually this is when my way of dealing with it would be the exact opposite of his way - and oddly enough, no matter how wrong I might have thought he was, his carefully considered course of action ends up being wiser and more effective than mine would have been. Guess that's why God made him the pastor, and not me! Go figure...

We have an agreement now - he tells me the things that I need to know in order to serve our congregation better, or in order to keep from innocently sticking my foot in my mouth. The nasty stuff that would make me lose sleep, he keeps to himself or seeks advice from his mentors.

It helps me help him. Helps me support him without hating other people for their stupidity, or sometimes just for their humanity.

How about you? How much do you feel like you really need to know? How much detail keeps you from being able to give support and honor to your husband?

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PMS: 10 quickest ways to undermine your PH

Want to make sure that your husband's congregation doesn't think he's capable of spiritual leadership (or any other kind, for that matter)?

Try some of these tactics on for size:

1. Editorialize his sermons in real time. Correct his grammar or story details from the audience.
2. Tell your church friends funny stories about his mistakes or failures at home.
   
3. Don't go to church - for whatever reason. Don't show up to support him when he's preaching or leading out up front.
   
4. Make sure everyone knows that you are the brains behind his sermons. Don't let them think he can do it himself.
5. Remind him in front of others when he's forgotten something important (or trivial), and roll your eyes to make sure they know that you have to put up with this all the time.
   
6. Voice your agreement when a church member complains about the way your PH has handled a recent situation, or says they don't like a decision he's made. Let them know, either openly or subtly, that you support their point of view.
7. Fight with him in front of others. Don't keep your opinion to yourself just because people are around. Insist on having the last word in public, no matter what.
   
8. Criticize all his attempts to help when you have guests in your home. Tell him how to sweep the floor, point out that the dishes he washed still have food stuck to them, and say something like: "How many times do I have to ask you to ....?!?!"
9. Poke fun at his foibles around friends. Get them all laughing uproariously at the idiotic thing he did last week.
   
10. Roll your eyes, sigh loudly, show other physical signs of aggravation in public to let everyone know just how irritated you are with him. Be sure they can guess that a fight is brewing and that you're going to let him have it after church on the way home.
    

Follow even a few of these practical tips, and you are guaranteed that your husband's congregation will have little or no faith in him and his calling. It'll ensure that he feels a sense of shame and embarrassment every time he thinks of you in connection with his ministry. You might even get the reward of getting him to eventually leave his calling behind and switch careers so he can feel better about himself!

Or you might just solidify everyone's pity for him, and guarantee that they all think you're a shrew. But either way, if a man's own wife thinks he can't do the job - who's gonna really trust him to lead others, right?

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PMS: supporting your very human pastor husband

It's PMS week again girls, and this month we're talking about giving our Pastor Husbands (PHs) support.

Anyone who is married knows that giving real biblical support to your husband is a tough assignment. You know, the respect & submit to your husband as the head of the marriage part of things. (And no, I didn't make this up - read Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 if you're a little fuzzy on the scriptural details.)

But giving that kind of support to your husband, WHILE LIVING IN THE FISHBOWL? That can make the privilege of being a wife seem almost impossible. I mean, if it is our God-given role to:

• support this man,
  
• to build him up,
  
• to remind him of his calling to serve,
  
• to give him freedom to fulfill that calling,
  
• to affirm him to his face and to others,
• to encourage his church to trust him and follow his leadership,
  
• and to make him feel like a king in the home....
  

uhhh, just who exactly are we free to vent to when we're mad?

You know how it goes. It's been a horrid day, your very human PH did something stupid (or that you just plain don't agree with), and you need a sounding board.

If you call your mom, she'll get mad at your husband just to support you.

If you call his mom, she'll get mad at you for NOT supporting him.

If you call a friend outside your congregation who isn't a PW, she probably won't understand what you're going through.

If you call a friend inside the congregation, they may not always keep it to themselves.

If you call a fellow PW (or two or three), she'll probably understand and can likely commiserate - but you're almost guaranteed to transition from healthy venting into a good old-fashioned husband-bashing fest. Which brings relief in the short-term... but afterward you feel a little sick inside because now this other person outside your marriage knows too much detail about your husband's private flaws.

(NOTE: We're not talking about getting help from abuse, or seeking confidential mentorship and advice for serious issues here.)

So how do we maintain our sanity as women married to wonderful but very human men of God - while supporting, respecting, loving, and honoring them?

Let's talk about it.

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