question from a reader: do you tag along?

Last week a reader posted this question on an unrelated post. We thought it was interesting enough to warrant its own post. What do you say, ladies?

"I am not a PW (I was a PK for 40 + years) but one thing I do notice about some PW's, is that they do not tend to go with Hubby when he preaches away. Years ago, we all used to go as a family. Why has this changed? It is something I miss now, only seeing a pastor and no family in tow. Any comments anyone?"

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a word from the wise::JILL BRISCOE

Here's the first post in our new thread "A Word from the Wise", where we interview older PWs for their advice and mentorship to us young'uns. We'll scatter these posts throughout the rest, as we get the interviews back.

I (Sarah) had the pleasure of starting this thread by interviewing Jill Briscoe. Here's a little about her:
Hi there. I’m Jill Briscoe. Seeing that I'm ancient (in my 70s), I have been around the church/mission block a few times! My husband and I experienced the business world, were youth ministry missionaries, and I have also been a PW for 38 years. For the last 9 years we have served as ministers-at-large for global church and mission. We've been married 51 years. Just Between Us is our magazine to encourage ministry wives and women who serve Jesus. Check us out also at: http://www.tellingthetruth.org.

1) What do you see as the single greatest characteristic or personality aspect that every young PW should purposefully cultivate in order to fill her role according to biblical instruction?
We are disciples of Jesus disguised as Pastors' Wives - so strive to do everything a biblical disciple does. The most important thing is to grow your own soul. Be responsible for your own interior spiritual life.

2) Can you share your opinion of current Bible Study trends for women? Lots of women want to study but have difficulty committing to a long series. How would you advise young PWs to structure the bible studies they offer to women in their congregations?
The most important thing is to have a vibrant PERSONAL bible study plan, and to encourage women in your husband's church to put this first. Teach them how to study for themselves... I’m a little out of the loop for current bible study trends, but if we love our own devotional times, we will each be hungry to make time somehow to be attending or leading a small group study.

3) What is a primary pitfall that you would warn young PWs against?
Never use your position as an excuse NOT to do what you would do if you were weren’t a PW and were just a church member instead. Always see your position as a platform for influence. Being a PW is a privilege, not a punishment.

4) What issues do you see the younger generation of PWs facing that maybe the older generation didn't encounter? What advice would you give related to those issues?
So many young pastors today are finding spouses in Seminary or Bible College. Often both spouses are trained and young couples want to minister as a team. But when they get into a church the congregation isn’t always ready for this dual ministry. The PW feels under-utilized and frustrated that their expectations for her are so limited. Or, the church may love to have her involved, but expects her to be an unpaid co-pastor.

Obviously the opposite is also still true. Many PWs didn't have the chance to study and train alongside their spouse and as a result they feel inadequate. Sometimes this makes them want to push back against expectations.

5) How would you advise young PWs who are leading women's ministries in their church? What should they focus on? How can they better connect with the women around them?
Go for it! Good for you! As Paul said to young Timothy, “let no man (or woman) despise your youth.” Focus on the women in your church: love them, pray for them and invest in their lives. Don't be afraid to learn as you go. Find a few women who have a heart for other women and do it together. Heart comes first, then gift.

Make sure you are doing some kind of evangelism yourself: not just teaching others to do it.


6) What's a book you'd recommend for young PWs to read?
Renewal on the Run: Embracing the Privileges and Expectations of a Ministry Wife

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PWs in Tucson area?

Yesterday's guest blogger, Katie Reich, would be thrilled to meet up with other PWs in the Tucson, Arizona area.

Anybody out there from her general region? She's busy, 3 kids and all, but would be delighted to get together with other PWs sometime soon.

If you live in her area, leave a comment on her blog at: http://missionalwife.wordpress.com/about/, or shoot her an email at: katie (dot) reich (at) tucsonrevolution (dot) com.

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Guest Blog::How to Respect and Support Your Husband

This is a guest blog by Katie Reich, a PW in Arizona. She is mom to three young children, and wife to Joshua Reich. Joshua is the lead pastor of REVOLUTION, a missional church in Tucson. This post shares Katie's thoughts on ways we can support our husbands, and is the outflow of her and Joshua's discussions as she helps him prepare for an upcoming sermon series on marriage.

What do you do when the spark in your marriage is gone? When you are going through the motions, so you feel more like roommates than soul-mates? How do you treat your man when you feel like he is not holding up his end of the bargain? I can tell you now that I do not have all of the answers, but I think that there are some things that we can do and some attitudes that we can have to help protect our marriage in those difficult times, as well as create a foundation for a stronger future.

1. Stop blaming your spouse, hoping that he will change so things will get better. Work on the plank in your own eye!
2. Evaluate your own life and actions. What things have you allowed to creep in that are not edifying and glorifying to God; have you become sarcastic, do you name call or not fight fair, do you pick at and nag, do you make fun of or drag your husband through the coals in front of him or when he is not around? Take a minute to confess these to God, and apologize to your man and kids if you do it in front of them. Now change that behavior. (Easier said then done I realize.)
3. Take time to sit with God and help Him to create a spirit of Rest and Retreat in your heart. If you are looking for your husband, or anything else, to complete you then you have totally missed the mark. You are only complete in Christ. Allow Him the time to sing over you and mend your broken places, it is only from the deep well that is God that you will be able to have patience and grace towards those that you love.
4. Evaluate ways that you can speak respect to your husband. When was the last time you had sex? How can you talk to him to let him know that he is not only a man in your life but THE MAN in your life? Communicate your appreciation of the things that he does well; work hard to provide for the family(even if you work), that you notice the little things that he does,how strong, handsome, and smart he is.
5. Communicate with your man. Take time to ask him how you can support him? Ask him what you say or do that cuts at his manhood and what encourages it?
6. Remember. If I have learned anything in life it is the heart tends to follow the head, so start remembering and thinking on the positive rather then the negative. When Josh and I were first married it was hard for me to do this, so I started to write down in my journal all of the little things that he did for me. This allowed me to have a warm, loving heart toward him, instead of a judging and resentful heart.
7. Expect the best! I am reminded of a conversation that I had last week, a husband had started a project and then left it undone. So the wife has now taken over the space with her things, so even if he wanted to work on it he would have to wade through her stuff first… So clean out that area and let him know what a great guy he is and how much you will appreciate having that project finished! He may not get to it this week or even this year, but at least when he is ready, he will have access to it. Don’t allow those things that are left undone to add fuel to your frustration and discouragement. Instead take time to pray for him or encourage him when you see that sore spot instead of mutter under your breath.
8. Push back to him the responsibility that he has shirked. Because of original sin we as women naturally tend to take over and do things that are in our husbands role. What are you doing that you should let go of? Don’t throw it in his face, but let him know how you feel. After Josh and I first got married, I decided to write our check for our tithe. I did not think twice about it because he was a pastor, but he let me know that we were not going to be tithing. So instead of kicking my feet and doing it anyway or throwing a tantrum, I let him know that it was really important to me to tithe, and we would do it when he was ready. Soon after that, Josh started his Master’s Degree and our prayer was that we would get through it without any debt. For that prayer to become a reality we needed to be giving back to God, so the light bulb came on for Josh and he started to sign our tithe checks. I don’t say all of that because I was a relationship genius or even knew what I was doing at the time, but so that you can see what giving over control to the man in your life who is called to be responsible for the house can look like.

I guess that is all I have to say right now… think about it, chew on it and let me know if anything changes in your house after you start to worry about your attitude and actions instead of those around you.

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why PKs leave the church...

PKs have a reputation. Everybody knows that... and even though we try our best, there are generations of bitter pastors' kids who make all of us tremble when we think about raising our own.

I recently read the results of a study that asked "What influences do ministry parents have that affect whether their kids stay in the church?"

This study asked 111 questions of clergy parents across the Mid-Western states of North America to find answers. I wrote the researcher, Dr. Martin Weber, for permission to share his findings. Here's what he discovered:

• Parental conservatism regarding lifestyle standards is not statistically significant in attrition.
• Legalism regarding gospel doctrine (soteriology) is a moderately significant cause of attrition.
• Legalism regarding practicing the principles of the gospel is a major cause of attrition.
• For clergy parents to hold their own children to a higher behavioral standard is one of the highest causes of attrition.
• Lack of relationality in the pastoral family is the most serious cause of PK (pastors’ kids) attrition. Pastors with the highest retention rate of adult children are those who managed to provide the most positive and “fun” family experience in the parsonage and were close enough to talk about anything in an atmosphere of freedom that allowed children and teens latitude in developing their own faith experience.
• The greatest predictor of future faithfulness as an adult is whether the PK during growing up years takes initiative to approach a clergy parent to discuss spiritual matters.
• Closely associated with family relationality is the freedom and trust expressed in discussing controversial issues. There is no greater cause of attrition than to attempt to shield children from knowledge of, or to resist discussion about, church or denominational conflict.
• Congregational criticism of pastoral family members portends future attrition of adult children.
• There is definite significance between the experience of entering the pastorate during one’s 30s and the future attrition of one’s children.
• Having a clergy grandparent is a stabilizing factor in the spiritual life of a PK.

Dr. Weber also says that the three most significant factors in avoiding attrition are:

1. being able to discuss church problems at home, while
2. managing to sustain joy and togetherness in the family circle, and
3. giving teens freedom to develop their own faith experience without the expectations of being super saints because they are the pastor's kids.

To read more of Dr. Weber's research, articles or books click HERE, or email him directly at: martin (at) midamericaoutlook (dot) org.

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