pass the baton

When one runner passes the baton to the other, while it's passing, it is a crucial moment. The seconds lost if the baton is dropped can cause the team to lose the race.

While as pastors' wives we are not really in a race, I do find it beneficial when other pastors' wives share tips and best practices. I like to think of it as a form of passing the baton.

I thought today would be a great day to chat about different tips.

Here are a few of mine; random, in no specific order or topic sequence:

Your Man

• I have a PHD in my husband. Yes, that is right I major in Mark Brown. The world gets the pastor, but I get the man. Truth be told, there are dozens of ladies who would like to "get the man" but he's not available. The anointing is attractive and there are some women who are just contra-culture for the fun of it. I make sure I know what he likes, what his favorites are, what relaxes him, what triggers him, you name it. I make sure that he is taken care of and he is my first ministry. We will be married for 13years this November, and together for 15 years total. Some wives for some strange reason think that majoring in their man is neglecting themselves. I'm not saying be unbalanced, but if you get it right you will still have passion for each other and the things of God 15 years later. It's easy to lose sight of each other, but just as a career oriented individual remains focused, remain focused on your man, your marriage and your ministry to each other.

Your Cooking

• Some ladies are Betty Crocker homemakers. I admire those gals!! Unfortunately, that's not me. Not because I don't want to learn but I'm still learning. I grew up in a single parent home because my father passed away. That meant that mom didn't cook lots and with the time available it wasn't always for cooking lessons. Needless to say, the result is non-Betty Crocker. However, I have found some really great work arounds. There is a brand called Viola in the frozen section that has the best chicken alfredo and shrimp pasta. Have you ever had to whip something up really quick? Well there it is Viola!! It's my secret, just add a little crelo spice to the shrimp pasta and it will be the dish you are known for. For some, I know it's outlandish to serve something frozen, but for me it works and not to mention - hello I did cook it. :)

Children and Discipline

• I have learned that discipline is simply correction driven by love.



• I have learned to set boundaries that produce growth



• I have learned the reason we discipline is to help our children reflect the majesty of their maker.



• I tell them frequently "I love you too much to allow you to behave like that" or "We need to focus on emotional intelligence"

Tell me what you do? I'd love to hear from you!

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church drama, religious trauma and our children

I guard my children like a dog does a bone and yes to the point of being aggressive. I'm sure that is not the most cleaver statement, but it is raw and authentic. My children are a gift from God, entrusted to me to raise, protect, instruct, discipline, love, educate, etc., etc...

Every once in a while we get a family in the church that says.....

"Oh my gosh, I just can't believe you allow your children to watch Star Wars"

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe ya'll watch television on Sunday's after church, it is God's HOLY day" "Pastor does too, I'm going to have to pray about that"

"Oh my gosh, your son goes to public school, what is the matter with you?"

"Oh my gosh, you are going back to school to be an attorney, I have just never heard of a Christian Attorney. I don't know how they tell the truth about anything." "Why do you want another degree?" "Working outside the home is not healthy, God spoke to me to quit my job when I had little ones like you"

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe your son said I was fat" (in his defense he was 3 or 4 at the time)

I could go on forever with my list of friendly encounters wanting to start church drama, inflict religious trauma and the like.

We are not going to hell and we are not leading the masses there too because my son has Hanna Montana "It's a climb" on his ipod and it is technically not a Christian song. Nor are we going to hell because my gameroom bathroom is decorated in Mickey Mouse which is technically Disney.

I'm not a lousy pastor's wife and mother because my house isn't spotless and well "cleanliness is next to godliness"

It is these type of statements that drive Pastors' Wives nuts.

So how do you deal with it?

Personally, I learned along time ago not to value everyone's opinion. Let me explain. I have brown eyes and brown hair naturally. So lets say Janie and I have the following dialog: Janie: "I can't believe how green your eyes are Veronica" Me: "My eyes aren't green, they are brown Janie" Janie: "no, your eyes are green, green as can be, I can see them for myself" Me: "Janie, they are brown - hello" as in my mind I thinking this lady is strange.....

I am rejecting her statement, her definition of truth or fact in her world. Because her reality is not my reality. While our worlds may collide, meaning we do life together for whatever reason (church, school, neighbor) I do not need to accept every opinion that comes my way. It's an easy general statement; but when it comes to implementation it's not always easy. As Pastors we want to believe the best in people and usually listen with an open heart. Just be sure to guard your spirit and the spirit of your children. They do not need to hear everything. I encourage you to be you! Raise your children as God has instructed you and according to your convictions, beliefs and standards.

What clever phrases do you tell church members who enjoy coming up to you and saying stuff like the above? Or do you have family members (extended family; in-laws, siblings etc) who do the same thing.

© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
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a question for you...

Last week, I got a phone call from a friend of mine who leads an international ministry for Pastor's Wives. She regularly travels all over the world talking to PWs and their PHs, finding out their needs, listening to their concerns, and praying with them.

In a ministry like this, she keeps realizing the incredible need to provide some kind of resource to new PWs. A kind of "how-to" manual to get them oriented into life as a PW. Not every woman gets married knowing she's going to be a PW. Some pastors enter ministry later in life, others marry girls who are brand new Christians and are still learning about the gospel. But even those who grew up in ministry-oriented families can get overwhelmed when they put on their PW shoes!

So she asked me if I would be interested in helping her develop some resources to help young PWs get off on the right foot. I said "Absolutely!"

And now I'm coming to all of YOU for input. Dontcha love me? Here goes:

What do you wish that someone had told you about how to be a PW when you got started? 
Or, if you're new to this gig, what do you wish someone would tell you right now?

Leave me a comment below, or if you don't want to share with the world, send me a private message at clutchtalk (@) gmail (.) com. And please leave your name on your comment, for research' sake... if ya don't mind?

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girls, i'm baaaaack!

It's been a while.

Veronica has done a fabulous job of keeping things rolling while I've been laid up on post-maternity bedrest, and then chasing a toddler while getting to know our newborn little girl.

Right now she's asleep on my chest as I'm typing. I really ought to wake her up and give her a bath, but she's so sweet all curled up there... So I'm hanging out here on CLUTCH for a few minutes instead. :) I've missed you guys!

I'm hoping to gradually get back on track here, now that little Sophíe is 8 weeks old (yesterday!), and has started sleeping through the night. You don't know how tired a human can be until you've got a newborn and a toddler! (Well, unless you throw in a sick husband... that makes it even more fun.)

This evening I've gone back and read through many of your comments, questions, and the guest posts. You guys are all amazing, that's all I've got to say. And I wish even more readers would leave comments on posts so that we can have more conversation and support between each other. Comments also help us discover what you need us to write about so that we can meet your needs better.

In other words, comments are good for everybody! *hint, hint*

So, what would you like us to write about? Any thoughts, suggestions, wishes? Don't be shy!

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the poison of comfort

Rich Wilkerson Jr., leads "The Vous", tonight he had Pastor Carl Lentz of Hillsong NYC speak. He ministered on the Poison called comfort. "Falling in love w/your position will drain the passion out of your purpose."

Have you gotten comfortable with different areas of your life? When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone? I love routine because I maintain a very tight schedule. Monday: this, Tuesday: that, Wednesday: this and that, Thursday, Friday and into the weekend. Oh...the weekend. We all do it, we are creatures of habit.

However, if we were to do a self-evaluation would we actually need a mid-term correction? Would we need a course correction? Have we fallen prey to the poison of comfort?

These are all really great questions we should ask ourselves. For me, yes I'm guilty. Very, very guilty of allowing the poison of comfort to take control in certain areas. I was inspired as he imparted tonight because while I know all of this, preach it, it was a "now word" for me as I haven't been practicing it in all areas. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you too will evaluate if you have allowed the poison of comfort to sneak in.

I love you all & growth is good! Look forward to hearing from you & growing together!

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permission to learn::fear of change (6)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

In his allegorical story “Who Moved My Cheese”, Dr. Spencer Johnson tells of four characters in a maze. The two rats and two “little people” spend their days running around the maze looking for cheese. One day, they find a generous supply, and after finding it in the same place day after day, the settle into a routine.

One day after a very long time, the cheese is gone! The rats, simple creatures as they are, scurry off to find more, but the Little People wait for the cheese to come back the way it was before. They resented this unexpected change of events, and they had lost the flexibility they had when they were used to running around for more cheese. Besides, since they had become comfortable, they were fearful of stepping out into unfamiliar territory again to find more cheese.

Finally, becoming weak from hunger, one of the Little People puts on his running shoes and starts looking for more cheese. Intimidated at first, he encourages himself by envisioning more and better cheese in his future. And one day, sure enough, after lots of running and little reward, he finds himself in a room with a much wealthier supply of cheese than the one he left behind. His friend stays in the cheeseless room, starving and resentful.

One very valuable lesson the first Little Person learned is:
“The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese.”

If I wrote the story, it would go something like this: The cheese doesn’t disappear, it just grows old and stale. The little people stay and keep eating it because they are so accustomed to it that they don’t notice it getting gross. When presented with the option of looking for new cheese, they react with incredulity and suspicion at the idea that anything should change.

Old cheese tends to do that to people, ya’ know. And all the while a room full of delicious, fresh cheese awaited them somewhere else.

Sound familiar?

Change can be intimidating under any circumstance, but resistance to change can be especially detrimental to personal and collaborative growth on a spiritual level. Certain worship styles, traditions, and even beliefs can become so dear to us that, that, when faced with something new or different, we resist out of our own emotions, mistaking our preference for God’s way.

Don’t misunderstand me: tradition isn’t our enemy.

There are many beautiful traditions and beliefs that ARE God’s way and should not be compromised for any reason. We just need to know what’s what. Once again, when faced with changes that affect our personal beliefs or corporate habits, it’s a call to scrutinize “the way it’s always been” and to educate ourselves about what is truly God’s way.

Jesus had to deal with people who thought things should always be done the way they had always been done. He identified the problem in a gentle parable: “No one puts new wine into old wineskins, or else the new wine will burst the skins, and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved. No man having drunk old wine immediately desires new, for he says, ‘The old is better.’"

Are you willing to be a new wineskin?

discontentment
I have to mention this antithesis of the Fear of Change for those few of us who seem to thrive on change. I sometimes feel like I’m always gazing at the horizon, always expecting something wonderful, rarely living to the fullest in the present that is given me. Ambitious, visionary, and sometimes living with the misconception that the grass is always greener around the next bend.

I think I’m starting to get to the age where I realize, hey, this is life, quit expecting it to get better. Kind of a sad realization, but what good is denial?

I’m convinced God has something to teach me here, now, or He wouldn’t have me here. There’s only just so much I can change, and there’s no use grumbling about what I can’t change. Like people, for example. If God put someone in my path that rubs me wrong, and I can’t change them, then He must have ordained them to teach me! Same with life’s situations.

Now... Go take on the day….

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permission to learn::MOUTH ALMIGHTY! (5)

Adel Torres writes from California, where she is wife to Pastor Jose, mother to toddler Toby, and is expecting baby #2 later this year. She is a missionary at heart, and spent time in India, Nepal and other countries before marrying a pastor in the States. This series of posts was originally published on Adel's blog "This Journey, My Home", where she writes about her life, insights, and mission stories. 

the teacher complex
Sometimes we’re so busy thinking about how to change the people around us, that we forget to look out how we need to be changed. I have a problem with this. My mind is often so full of what I could teach someone, if they’d just listen to me, that I’m in danger of missing a chance to learn. I perseverate sometimes, creating elaborate, eloquent, and ego-shredding tongue-lashings in my head.

Seriously, sometimes I lose sleep thinking of things I would say to someone if I had the chance. If nothing else, I get to work on perfecting one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned in life—keeping my mouth shut!

And that’s no small thing, really.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we could listen twice as much as we talk. I heard a public speaker excusing himself recently, saying that he was given the “gift” of public speaking but not of listening. Hogwash! How can a man be an effective communicator without listening to, and learning from, the people he wishes to reach? Whether a person is gifted with public speaking skills or not, talking too much is a disease (and sometimes, I think, an epidemic).

No really, you're thinking, I have something people should hear! And it may very well be true, but all in the appropriate time. If people aren’t asking for it, guess what? They’re probably not listening to you anyway! Not only will you be flapping your lips in the wind, but as long as your mouth is open and something is coming out, your ears are closed and so is your chance to learn something.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with an urge to share your thoughts as long as you don’t victimize unwilling listeners: just start a blog! ☺

motormouth
If you ever find yourself feeling like no one listens to you enough, there’s a chance you talk too much. Think about your conversations with people: is the amount of information shared more about you and your life, or more about them? A person who talks about themselves in conversation is dull company indeed, while a person who asks about others is considered a brilliant conversationalist.

You can’t go wrong if you commit yourself to asking lots of questions about someone else and not saying anything about yourself until your asked. If the person you’re talking to never asks about you, trust me, it’s not worth sharing yourself with them! Maybe they just need someone to listen to them, and you’re that person, or maybe they are narcissists, or just haven’t learned the art of brilliant conversation.

You might be thinking, I don’t talk about myself, I talk about other people. Ummm, let’s not even go there!

Here’s another good reason to hold your tongue: quiet people seem smarter. If you’re not convinced, open up your Google browser and type in “quiet people smart”. You’ll be surprised how many links pop up! Quiet people definitely give an impression of being smarter.

Whatever the truth is, I bet they take in more of what goes on around them, and therefore have more learning opportunities!

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” Proverbs 17:28
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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
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