In a recent post we asked you what you wanted to talk about. Reader Lauren asked:
I have been dating a pastor for a year and a half. Does anyone have anything they wished they would have known before going in?
So, what do you say, ladies? What do you wish someone would have told you?
This is the final installment in a series of posts by PH Trevan Osborn. Read his other 2 posts, here and here.
You are your husband’s greatest asset in the church. At least, you can and should be. There’s no doubt that in my church, my wife has been a great help in breaking down barriers with people who I’d have a hard time reaching and revealing a heart for ministry all members should have. The church probably won’t shed a tear when I’m gone but the same can’t be said for my wife. They love her.
The best thing she has done is found her place to serve in the church. She co-leads our hospitality team and helps out in other ministries when possible. She hasn’t accepted all the roles people have tried to place on her but she’s serving in a meaningful way that everyone has noticed.
There is a new generation of PWs, who frankly, can’t sing, play piano, or lead women’s ministry as has traditionally been expected. I’m not asking you to become that and by all means, don’t allow the church to dump all kinds of ministry in your lap. However, your service, or lack thereof, has a huge impact on how members perceive not only your husband but the church as a whole.
Find your unique niche in ministry and serve with commitment and passion. It’s not just important for helping you husband’s ministry, but will strengthen your own spiritual experience.
What ministry are you serving in now? Have you felt too much pressure to serve? How have you helped the church have realistic expectations? Anyone out there taking a rebellious stand when it comes to serving, and not serving simply because it's expected?
If I announced that I just found out that I'm pregnant with twins, would you forgive me for not posting anything on the blog since Monday?
We have lots of great posts coming up. Stay tuned. We're getting back on track....
Remember Follow the Leader, the elementary school game where the leader does something and the followers mimic? The object of the game is to simply follow the leader and not do your own thing.
As a pastor’s wife I learned the importance of following the leader. Early in our ministry I attempted to tell my husband how to proceed. This caused problems in our marriage. I could not comprehend why he did not appreciate my suggestions. After all, I was only trying to help him. I told him, “I am on your side. I want to see you succeed.”
I did not realize that my numerous suggestions caused him to feel as if I had no confidence in his ability. He felt disrespected. Ephesians 5:33 says the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. The most significant thing I have learned as a pastor’s wife is following his leadership makes him feel respected. The last thing he needs is to feel his own wife is not confident in his leadership. Through prayer and learning to trust God I was convicted that I should simply pray over my concerns and watch the Lord lead my husband.
So I began focusing on his strengths and not his weaknesses. I also learned to listen and not offer up my opinion unless it was sought. This strengthened our marriage, and he began to open up to me and seek my opinion more. In humility, I also learned that giving my opinion did not mean he had to act on it. The most important lesson I learned was that when he chose, as the leader, to go in a direction I disagreed with, I needed to pray for God’s will and submit to his leadership and follow.
In what ways have you learned to submit to your husband's leadership, in spite of your differing opinions? What other hard lessons have you learned in your PW journey?
Felicia Thomas is a writer, teacher, mom, and an avid reader. She is also involved with the choir, children, youth and women’s ministry at True Fellowship Baptist Church in Katy, TX, where her husband Henry is the founding pastor. You can join Felicia in conversation about Christian education and women’s issues at www.feliciathomas.com.
Life is busy. Crazy busy.
At least my life is. (This is Sarah blogging here.) And in the past few months I've been slowly and reluctantly realizing something about myself.
I've plateaued. I've kinda quit learning new stuff. Aaaargh!
You have to understand - I'm a nerd. My whole life, I always LOVED school. Every term, I got this weird thrill from cracking open brand new textbooks and wondering what amazing things I was going to learn THIS time around. (In elementary school, I would flip immediately to the very back of the book, stare in awe at how advanced the assignments were, and run to my mother in tearful panic about how I'd never be able to learn it all. I did this every single semester. But I digress.)
So when I finished grad school a few years ago, my brain took a self-imposed and well-deserved break from learning. I didn't read books. I didn't listen to language tapes. I didn't practice musical instruments. I literally went into this mental hibernation zone.
And last autumn, I realized that I've been avoiding learning ever since. Of course, I've had to process at my job and figure out how to drive around new towns. But does that really count?
I feel the results, too. My memory ain't what it used to be. I forget where I put things, and can't recall phone numbers. Last November I went back to Russia (where I lived as a missionary kid in my teens), and this language that I used to speak sounded so familiar - but I couldn't remember what the words meant.
I'm thinking I need a new plan. Life has this way of running away with me, and I'm beginning to miss the joy of learning. Of self-expansion. Of challenging my brain to be sharper and more attentive. Of pushing past the status quo.
My solution:
- replaced the magazines by the toilet with a brain teaser book
- switched out some of my funkier music for the classical I used to listen to when studying violin a couple of decades ago (it really does stimulate the brain!)
- we designated one night a week as TV night, and now the rest are for reading/games/relaxation or other pursuits
- pulled out my needlework basket
- bought a set of colored pencils (i used to love coloring detailed pictures), but haven't found any great coloring books yet, so maybe that doesn't count...
I'm still thinking about what else I can do... maybe take a painting class? (I totally stink at painting and drawing, but maybe I could learn.) Maybe I'll attend that rag quilt workshop at the church. Maybe I'll get some Italian language CDs and play them while cooking - I've always wanted to learn a little Italian. (Prooowwww!)
What do you do to keep growing? Do you read? Do you take crafts classes? Are you in a book club or something similar? Do you practice an instrument? Teach a course?
How are you expanding the noggin God gave you?
This is the second in a series by guest blogger and PH, Trevan Osborn. Read the first one here.
To tell or not to tell, that is the question. How much stuff about the church and its members should a pastor tell his spouse? This is a really tough issue and I don’t pretend to have the “correct” answer if there even is one. I think it really should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis but I’ll share my general approach.
I tell my wife little to nothing outside of general information everyone knows about the church. There are many personal things people have told me that they expect I’ll tell and will talk to her as if she knows when she has no clue what’s going on. It can put her in a bit of an awkward situation but I’d rather them telling her than me. I don’t tell her for two main reasons:
First, for my own sanity. I need safe space away from church and my wife provides that for me. Sure, she’s involved and we talk about church stuff a lot but I want it to be as limited as possible. When I come home from a tough meeting or brutal sermon, I just need to get away from it for a bit.
Second, for my wife’s sanity. I don’t want her to be burdened by the weight of the issues people are going through. She doesn’t need to know who’s on the warpath against me and get defensive and upset. I also feel the need to make her church experience as normal as possible for her own spirituality and emotional well-being.
I told my approach to a trusted mentor who said he takes the exact opposite approach. He tells his wife everything and she is a great support to his ministry. Either way has its strengths and weaknesses and the key thing is for you to be comfortable with your PH's approach.
What’s been your PH's approach? Has it changed over the years? How much do you want to know?
Do people call you the first lady of the church? (Some jokingly say I'm the second lady, my husband is an associate in a 2-pastor church.) With all the glitz, glamour, pomp & circumstance of the last few days, it's probably hard for most of us to identify with the label "first lady" in general, and our new first lady, in particular.
For starters:
So girls, our goal here at CLUTCH is to keep talking about the stuff that's relevant. Things that are important to you. Real issues.
We've got the next few months of posts lined up, but we'd like your input too! And we also wanna make sure we're on the right track to meeting your needs.
So here's an open thread for you. Will you please ponder for a second or two about what topics you'd like to see us address on CLUTCH? You can suggest anything - no topic is off-limits.
After deleting the entries of the readers who clearly were not PWs, we had 30 entries. And the winner is:
#4!
Michelle Wegner!
Granger Community Church
5,000-6,000
Granger, IN
Incidentally, Michelle was our very first interview.
Michelle, email me (clutchtalk@gmail.com) an address, and I'll get this in the mail to ya!
Congratulations! Stay tuned for another giveaway next month!
Every region, church, and/or denomination does it differently. But almost everyone has some time every year where pastors get together for meetings and retreat. Congregational churches may get all their staff together to plan out the next year. Others may gather with the staff of a few churches at once.
Our church has pastors' meetings twice every year - January and July. We gather at this fabulous retreat center with about 150 other pastors from across our state. Families are encouraged to attend for the three-weekday-long retreat.
For the first 3 years, I hated it. Twice a year I would tag along, bury myself in work on my laptop, and spend the entire time in our room - coming out only for meals. I felt lonely, isolated, and unwelcome.
All the other pastor's wives in my age group either worked at jobs that didn't allow them to attend, or (if they attended) already had a passel of kids. As a late-20-something with no kids and a demanding career - I felt like a total outsider. I'd have loved to dialogue with some of the pastors, but I learned a long time ago that most male pastors don't know what to do with a woman who has strong opinions about ministry/outreach/service/evangelism/theology, etc.
(Fortunately, God gave me to a husband that is secure enough in his masculinity not to be threatened by all my opinions on things!)
So I kept my mouth shut, and wondered if I would EVER make a friend among the other PWs.
A few months ago, after 3 years of wishing - I finally began to make friends. Our January retreat is this week, and I can't wait to see Holly, Elizabeth & Denise.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who wonders where I fit in the complex life of my husband's colleagues. So how about you? Whether you have a local staff retreat or a big regional one like ours, where do you fit in?
This is the first in a series of guest blogs by a pastor for pastor's wives.
One of my high school history professors had a quote framed in his classroom that he would often point to when we would complain about too much homework or a test that was too long. He would remind us that as John F. Kennedy said, “Life is unfair.” If that’s true for the average person, I would suggest that for pastors and their families, “Life is REALLY unfair.”
Your husband’s schedule is probably completely different than yours. You work during the day, he works at night. You have the weekend off, he works hardest on the weekend.
Then you have to deal with disgruntled church members attacking the man you love. They’ll also come after you and start hurling accusations at the family. You are under the spotlight and held to higher standards than the average church member as every action, outfit, and word is analyzed. The list could go on but you know what I’m talking about.
So, how are you responding to this? As a pastor, here’s my suggestion. Your husband doesn’t need you to remind him over and over again about how unfair things are. He knows all the things that are wrong with the church and doesn’t need you to become just another disgruntled church member.
The reality is that things will never be as we wish and there will always be double standards, hypocrisy, and unsafe people in the church. Don’t blame your husband for that. Remember that we’re on the same team and are working for the same goals: a Spirit-filled church that provides a safe environment for all people to experience God’s salvation.
Yes, life as a pastor’s wife is unfair, but your husband needs you to encourage and support him and his ministry. The last thing he needs you to become is another person making him question his call to ministry.
Trevan Osborn pastors an Adventist church in Virginia. He and his wife Shari have been married since 2004.
Read more...
If you got a chance to check out Holly Furtick's blog (mentioned in yesterday's interview) you probably saw that her husband, Steven, was interviewed for the Style section of her local newspaper. In it he credits Holly for his style. "When I was in college I had no sense of style and then I met Holly, and we dated in college, and she's been my wardrobe consultant ever since." He also advises other ministers to, in matters of wardrobe and style, "get some help. Ask your wife."
So, are you your PH's wardrobe consultant too? Who does he go to for style advice? How intentional are y'all, as a ministry couple, about the image you portray through your clothes?
THE STATS
Husband: Steven Furtick
Family: Elijah, 3, Graham, 18 mo
Occupation: Supporting my husband and caring for our boys
Church: Elevation Church - Charlotte, NC,
THE INTERVIEW
How long have you been married? 6 1/2 years
How did you meet? We met in college at freshman orientation, became best friends, started dating when we were sophomores, were in engaged our senior year and married days after graduation.
How long have you been a PW? 3 years
What is something you wish church members knew or understood about you (or your family)? I wish they knew that I am probably as nervous and tongue tied talking to them as they are to me. I want so badly to remember each name and person and often get so uptight about that that I cannot enjoy my conversation with them. I absolutely love it when people introduce themselves to me and tell me about how much our church means to them.
What is your favorite way to partner with your husband in ministry? I just love to be with my husband when he preaches. I love to sit through as many of his messages as I can. I love to support him and give him feedback and encouragement.
What's the hardest thing about being a PW? The emotional and spiritual stress that is difficult to explain.
What are some of the perks of being married to a pastor? SO many! Most recently, a lady in our church who works at a local resort and gave us an incredible upgrade on our stay. More importantly: seeing God move over and over again. It really encourages my personal relationship with the Lord.
In what ways would you still like to grow in your role as a PW? I want to embrace the position God has given me and make it mine. Not to try to mimic the way someone else views their role but to embrace my role and anointing with my personality.
What are some techniques or resources you've found that have enriched your quiet time with God? Best thing for me is having the accountability of a weekly bible study with other ladies.
Do you network with other pastor's wives? How? Last fall I attended a pastor’s wives round table with Lisa Young. I made some dear friends and look forward to seeing them at this years C3 conference at Fellowship Church.
How do you help your kids deal with the pressures of being pastor's kids? My kids are really just babies. I am not sure how much they understand but I always talk positively about church. We also allow them special privileges such as attending the worship portion of one of our services and going backstage to the greenroom and eating their Daddy’s food.
What are some ways that you manage alone with your kids during church services or other functions when your husband is "on"? We have a volunteer who functions as our family assistant on Sundays. My boys only attend 2 of our 5 Sunday services. They then go home with the assistant for lunch and rest. I stay with my husband for the following 2 services. He returns alone for the evening service.
In what ways do you think things are different for our generation of pastor's wives? I think the modern church has less weekly requirements. Our church only has services on Sundays and small groups during the week. My mother’s generation of pastor’s wives (she was one) was expected to attend Sunday night service, Monday night ladies meeting, Tuesday night visitation, Wednesday night service, Thursday morning Bible study and then start all over on Sunday. I don’t think the pressure or the “fish bowl” feeling is any different.
In what areas of ministry do you feel passionate about? I feel passionate about serving my husband and meeting his needs. I know that there are needs he has that only I can meet. I try to arrange my life and ministry to fit in with his.
What is the most meaningful thing you do to support your husband? I don’t know if this is the most meaningful, but my husband has a difficult time falling asleep at night so I never ask him to get up with our children in the mornings. I know that he needs rest. He never abuses this and sleeps til noon but even the extra hour does wonders for him.
Do you have any PW mentors? I so admire Lisa Young and the way she is always along side her husband Ed. I also love to read biographies of ministers wives such as Ruth Graham (Its My Turn) and anything else similar I can get my hands on.
What valuable lessons have you learned as a PW? I have gotten to see, first hand, God come through so many times. When we were adding a service or doing an event and we didn’t know if anyone would come, or when we needed a staff member or a new place to meet. Things like this allow me to be able to trust God in the small things I face day to day.
How do you fit the traditional/stereotypical role of a PW? In what ways do you break the mold? I love to dress really nice on Sundays (is that stereotypical??). However, I don’t think I am as available and visible to our church members as most pastors wives are, again because I like to focus on my husband’s needs on Sundays.
What are you reading? 25 Surprising Marriages by William J. Petersen. It features the marriages of many heroes in the faith such as Spurgeon, Moody, Luther and Graham. I just finished the first chapter featuring John and Polly Newton. Excellent!
What's playing on your iPod? A new song by Tommy Walker called “In the Light of Your Glory” But last night my husband and I watched Sheryl Crow in concert (saved in our DVR) for the 10th time.
How do you like to spend your husband's day off? Taking the boys to a park with Chick-fil-A, them putting the kids to bed early and watching a good movie or TV episode with my husband.
What advice would you give to other PWs? Be your husband’s best friend, #1 cheerleader, and brainstorming partner. And say the hard stuff to him, that only you can say, but say it at the perfect time so that he will hear it.
Holly does a cool thing on her blog every week, she posts a Monday Morning Commentary with her thoughts on the church service and her husband's message. Check her out. She's The Preacher's Wife.
Ladies! Just this week I ordered and received the Clutch Clutch you see pictured here. But it's not for me... though I've already determined that it would be very cute with some jeans, crisp white shirt and cowboy boots (and yes, I own cowboy boots). So, if no one responds to this post, this truly will be a win for me! Anyway... in order to enter this contest, simply leave a comment with your first name, church size and your city/state. (Sorry -- this contest is only open for our readers in the U.S., though we are delighted that people from all over the world are checking out the blog.)
Like I was saying... leave a comment (on this post, with your first name, church size and city/state) between now and Thursday, Jan. 15. We'll choose a winner at random and announce the lucky PW on the blog on Friday, Jan. 16.
COMMENTS CLOSED.
"Around the world at least one woman in every three has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Most often the abuser is a member of her own family." (see #10)
Sadly, this statistic doesn't seem to change much inside the church. According to the Christian Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, "there is just as much abuse (spousal, child, sexual) in Christian homes as in non-Christian homes." Worse, Christian homes often add a component of religious and/or spiritual abuse in addition to physical or sexual mistreatment.
We believe that every congregation can benefit from their pastor's wife being well-educated in the signs of spousal abuse and how to act when any woman expresses or indicates the existence of abuse.
What's more, abuse doesn't happen only in the homes of the congregation. Many pastor's wives suffer abuse in silence. Their bondage is even greater than women who are church members. If they speak out - who will believe them? They risk destroying their husband's reputation and career as a religious leader. It's safer to shut up.
So, whether for yourself or a church member - here is a long (but by no means comprehensive) list of resources for abuse:
No Matter Where You Are:
Book List - Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Interfaith
Educating Yourself About Abuse & Crisis Lines
A Safety Plan - Protect Yourself
What's Good About Anger?
United States:
Domestic Violence Agencies (listed by state)
Dorcas Network & The Dorcas Network BLOG
Minnesota Center Against Violence & Abuse
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Polly's Place - A Christian Healing Retreat (Safe Home)
Canada:
Abuse iNFO & Resources
Australia/New Zealand:
Australian Drug Information Website
Auckland Domestic Violence Centre
South Pacific Resources
Victorian Information & Resources
United Kingdom:
The Freedom Programme
International Domestic Violence Agencies:
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Battered Men:
Battered Men.com
If you are aware of other resources that should be added, just email us at clutchtalk@gmail.com.
... if a pattern of spousal abuse is developing?
Abuse takes many faces, just as abusers and victims are many different types of people. However, there are certain stages in the cycle of abuse that may happen to a spouse or child, in a religious or non-religious atmosphere, in the home of a church member or even the pastor.
According to Hope for the Family, a Christian abuse resource:
WARNING SIGNS OF DATING/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Does your partner:
(This article was written under a pseudonym by a lifelong friend of mine. It took great courage for her to publish this, and her saga hasn't yet fully ended. With her permission, and that of the publisher, we want to share this story with you.
As a pastor's wife, you are uniquely positioned to clue in to the abuse of women in your husband's congregation. You have the power to support and fight for those women, in a way that not even your pastor-husband can. If Natalie's pastor's wife had bothered to care, perhaps her story would have ended differently. ~the CLUTCH chicks)
Okay, so CLUTCH is about being real. And we like to have fun. You've probably already started figuring that out.
But being real also means facing the tough, serious issues. Like when scandal hits your church or your family. Or when God is calling us to be hospitable when we're not eager to have people in our homes...
So in 2009, we're dedicating the first full week of each month as PMS week:
Problems
Mistakes
Sin
We're going to unsweep it from under the rug, and do some open communicating. PMS week is about the tough stuff. Stuff that stinks. The stuff that nobody wants to tackle.
Besides challenging us and sharing real stories, each PMS week will include whatever helpful resources we can find, and an open thread for sharing at the end of the week. And they're all tagged "PMS" so you can find 'em easy later.
This month, we're starting with the subject of spousal abuse. It's probably happening to some woman in your congregation. Sometimes it's even in the parsonage.
Because of the nature of PMS week, we want you to know it's okay to post anonymously if you need. Just don't let the subject matter keep you from joining the dialogue.
Are you ready to tackle?
I love, love, love Beth Moore. I credit her teaching for much of my spiritual growth in the last 5 years and my ongoing insatiable desire for more. I attended 2 Living Proof Live events last year...but I'm not a groupie. Really.
Anyway, in March she's hosting an LPL event in Nashville exclusively for pastor's wives! We can't pass this up, ladies! It would be a fun time to meet you and make connections with other PWs, not to mention the blessings of praise, prayer and study.
I'll be there for sure. Anybody wanna come with?
Here's the info:
| March 13 - 14, 2009 | Nashville, TN Two Rivers Baptist Church | Event details | LifeWay Registration 800.254.2022 | |
Happy 2009, everybody!
Don't you just love a God that grants us new days, new weeks, new months, new seasons and new years to start over, renew our minds, begin again? It's a wonderful gift. Indeed, "his mercies begin afresh each morning."
One question for you:
What character-related trait would you like God to begin developing in you this brand new morning of this brand new year?
Just a one-word answer will do.
Mine? Discipline. Yours?
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