SURVIVAL TIP #12

TIP #12: Let your husband fight his own battles. 

He's a big boy. Act like you believe in him.

That doesn't mean you aren't going to defend him if somebody comes to you with a harebrained accusation or rumor.

It just means that it's usually wise not to act like you think he can't take care of himself. 'Cause that can make other people wonder if it's true!

Every pastor has conflicts with people. Every church has times where there's some issue, big or small, with their pastor. It's the nature of ministering among real, live human beings. Count yourself blessed if it hasn't happened yet, 'cause its guaranteed to happen sometime. 

When it does happen, be sure to let your husband know that you're behind him. Tell him how much you love him. Affirm his calling and his ability to handle the situation. Pray for him -- LOTS.

And stay out of it. 

If people come to you about it, tell them that you stand behind your husband on this one. Don't come out clawing like a tigress, even though you might want to knock some heads together. State your position, and then refuse to get sucked in.

When it's all over and the storm has passed, you'll be glad you kept your cool.
 
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SURVIVAL TIP #11

TIP #11: Get a system down for "unexpected guests". 

Unlike many jobs, pastors often have traffic at home because of their ministry. Like it or not, that often means that the PW gets the lucky role of last-second-hostess.

Of course, we hope your husband is sensitive enough to know when a drop-in guest would completely overwhelm your family. But lots of times a little down-home hospitality can go a long way in making someone feel loved. And isn't that what ministry is really all about?

So, if you don't already have one, the smart PW develops her own system for making unexpected guests comfortable.

You might have a linen closet that always has a clean set of sheets ready, or a yummy-smelling candle in the guest room, or a special way of leaving out fresh towels... Or you might just have a stack of fresh bedding that you spread out on the couch! It's totally up to you. 

However you do it, it doesn't have to be luxe. Just authentic and kind. It's about the spirit of warmth and welcome. And about paying attention to little things that make a guest feel at home.

Guaranteed, a warmly welcomed guest won't ever forget your kindness!
 
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SURVIVAL TIP #10

TIP #10: Be real. 

Be yourself.

Depending on your congregation's expectations, you might have total freedom or you might get lots of subtle (or overt) comparisons to "the last pastor's wife".

Let people have their opinions. Nothing you say is likely to change their minds anyway. Instead, be real. Be no one else but the woman God has made you.

Own your identity. Be unafraid of doing what YOU are gifted at, rather than getting pressured into doing what other people wish you were good at. That doesn't mean you might not try some new things, and it's not an excuse to refuse to do anything at all.

Just don't get all caught up in trying to be somebody you're not. It doesn't do your congregation any favors, and it only makes you feel like a stressed out fraud.

Ask God what HE wants you to do. If he challenges you with something you're not naturally good at, embrace the challenge and let yourself grow. But if it's just external expectations, stand firm and say "No thanks, I'm more called to serve in a different capacity."
 
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SURVIVAL TIP #9

TIP #9: Absolutely REFUSE to gossip. 

People love to talk. No matter how new you are to being a PW, you've probably already noticed the gossips!

The funny thing is, gossips assume that the PW needs to know their opinions about everything and everyone else. But politeness doesn't require you to listen.

In fact, people will respect and trust you far more if you don't. (Even if they get miffed when you refuse to listen.)

It's perfectly okay, (in fact it's a very good idea!) to absolutely refuse to participate in any gossip of any kind.

When people come to you to "share" things that are negative or aren't their right to share, it's okay for you to kindly say "Thank you for trusting me with that information, but I'd rather not talk about people who aren't here to defend themselves." Or some variation that feels right for you.

And when people ask you for information that you know because of your husband's position, it's okay to tactfully refuse to spill. In fact, it's probably the smartest thing you can do!

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SURVIVAL TIP #8

TIP #8: Bring a dish. 

Every church has events that center around food. And even the most understanding church members still like to see their PW join in.

You don't have to stock the entire food table. You don't have to bring multiple entrees. It doesn't even have to be home made if cooking isn't your thing... (Although lots of church members do love bragging on their PW's recipes!)

But whether or not you're a foodie isn't the point. The point is that people feel loved and supported when the PW acts like part of the family.

So even if it just means dropping by the grocery store to pick something up, it's more about the gesture than about the recipe.

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SURVIVAL TIP #7

TIP #7: Send thank-you notes. 

People often love to do something nice for their PW.

But do you know what they like even better? Getting thanked for it!

A thank-you says that their gift or act didn't go unnoticed in your busy life. It tells them you place value on their kindness. And it says something about your character. You are the kind of woman who will pause for 3 minutes and acknowledge the effort of someone else.

Thank you emails are the minimum. A grateful phone call is nice. Hand-written notes are better - if it's at all possible.

In today's world of cold impersonal technology, the warmth of a little note can go a long way.

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SURVIVAL TIP #6

TIP #6: Answer your phone. Or at least return your voice mails.


It's a common stereotype that the PW is impossible to get in touch with. I once answered my cell phone and the church member on the other line forgot what she called about in her shock.

No, you don't need to offer unlimited availability. And no, you should not let yourself be held hostage by members who can't seem to say "Goodbye".

But people value their PW. They want to know that if they need you, they can find you. If they are in crisis and need someone to pray with them, that you'll answer. If they're trying to invite you and your PH over for dinner, that they don't have to hope the pastor will remember to pass on the message to you.

Simple stuff like just answering your phone, at least whenever possible, can make a huge difference in perceptions.

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SURVIVAL TIP #5

TIP #5: Say nothing to which you wouldn't happily sign your name and post in the church entryway for all to see. 

Just.

Don't.

People repeat stuff. Stuff gets twisted.

You'll end up explaining something you never meant "that way". Or, you totally meant it that way, but you were trusting that person to keep it to themselves and they didn't.

If you wouldn't want it printed in the worship bulletin for everyone to read, just skip it. Odds are, saying it out loud won't be helpful to anyone anyway. That goes for pretty much all categories - from joking about your husband's foibles, to sharing an opinion on someone's performance in church, to chatting about the decisions made in a recent church meeting.

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SURVIVAL TIP #4

TIP #4: Just show up. Especially when your PH is preaching. 


If people think that your husband's sermons aren't even important enough for his own wife to be there - they'll either wonder what you have against them, or think there's no point in them showing up.

You don't have to be a party-planning guru or be in charge of lots of church social events. You don't have to be on every committee or even any committees if you don't want to. 

But you DO need to make a point to show up regularly. If you don't, people will naturally (even rightfully) wonder all kinds of things. Is the pastor's wife really a woman of faith, or is she doubting? Has the congregation made some egregious error so offensive that it keeps her away, and if so, who did it? Is the pastor's marriage having problems?

Sure, if you have small kids with early bedtimes, there are going to be events that you skip. When you do, make sure people know that you send your regrets and would have loved to come if you could.

And yes, there'll be times when you're too sick or you're previously obligated and you just can't make it. But let those be the exception to the rule, rather than the norm. 

Just showing up will go a long way toward building relationships and trust among the people you and your PH have been called to serve.


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SURVIVAL TIP #3

TIP #3: Cultivate the art of being warm and friendly to all, while still keeping family information private.


Being friendly and approachable doesn't mean you have to spill your guts.

Remember that everyone else has another best friend, and learn to share only what you're comfortable being public knowledge.


This doesn't mean you're being secretive, just practicing discretion. Veronica talks about setting public, private and personal boundaries in this post.

If you take a few months to get to know people first, you'll be more free to accept ministry roles that you are passionate about and gifted in.

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SURVIVAL TIP #2

TIP #2: Be intentional about letting your new church know that you care, that they are important to you.

Your life as a PW may thrive or fail largely based on whether or not people know that you care about them. Every PW's personality and expression is different, and that's okay.

So if you're shy, you don't have to become a social butterfly, and if you're sanguine you don't have to morph into an organizational genius.

Find your own way to let people know you care. Listen, write encouraging cards or emails, text them, give a friendly hug - however it fits you personally. It doesn't have to be fancy or time-consuming, just genuine and real.

You'll be amazed at how people will respond positively just to knowing that they matter to you. And it will strengthen your PHs influence as well.

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SURVIVAL TIP #1

survival tips for the new PW

So you're a new PW.

This little series is all about tips to help you survive this new world, from young PWs who've been on this path for a few days longer.

TIP #1: Don't accept any church jobs for the first 6 months in any new church. (Make it 1 year if you have a new baby or very small children.)

When you and your PH start serving at a new church, tell people that for the first 6 months/1 year, you won't be considering any roles of service because your first job is to get to know everyone. Tell them you want to just get your family/household settled, learn your way around, and build relationships with people.

Taking a church position too quickly can put you in the crosshairs of conflict. You don't know who else might be desperately wanting the role, or what the expectations are, or the history of who was doing the job before. And you might get pressured into doing something you're neither good at nor passionate about.

If you take a few months to get to know people first, you'll be more free to accept ministry roles that you are passionate about and gifted in.

Got a survival tip that someone shared with you, or that you learned along the way? Send it in and we'll share it: clutchtalk [at] gmail [dot] com.

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