the baby rollercoaster...

It's been a rough month, y'all!

For about three weeks I'd been feeling really terrible - exhausted, lethargic, completely worn down. I assumed it was normal late-third-trimester joys, until I fainted in Target a couple of weeks ago. My doctor's office told me to go to the Emergency Room and make sure everything was okay. I'm sooo not the kind of person who runs to the ER every time I feel dizzy, but this time I'm glad I did.

Blood tests revealed that I was severely anemic, with about half the normal volume of blood in my body (instead of twice the normal volume as it should be when you're pregnant), as well as low potassium and very low blood pressure. The doctors were puzzled, since all my blood work had come back normal only 3 or 4 weeks earlier.

After 8.5 hours on my back on a stretcher in the ER (not fun at 36 weeks pregnant!), and fainting a second time, I was transferred at midnight from our local ER to the downtown Atlanta hospital where I had planned to have the baby.

Two transfusions, three days, and four units of blood later - I was discharged as "stable" and sent to my regular weekly OB checkup with my doctor across the street. Still fainting and dizzy, with lab numbers that were barely reaching the minimum "okay" levels, and feeling no better after all the blood transfusions, my doctor sent me back across the street to be readmitted.

More blood labs. (Don't they know that there's no point in giving you blood if they're just going to take it all away again?!? Sheesh.) Tests and consults with a hematologist. No clear answers.

Tests and consults with a cardiologist. More blood labs. Diagnosis of dysautonomia and orthostatic hypostasis, compounded by pregnancy. (Basically those big words mean that 1)my automatic systems - like blood pressure and pulse rates - don't function correctly and sometimes do the opposite of what they're supposed to, and 2)instead of constricting to recycle used blood back to my heart and brain, the veins in my legs relax and let it stay there.)

Which still didn't answer the sudden drop in iron levels from 12 down to 5. Or the reason why I didn't have enough blood in my body, even though I wasn't bleeding anywhere internally.

Two more days in the hospital. Endless worry about our 17-month old son being juggled by friends and relatives back at home. Lots and LOTS of prayers. More dizziness and fainting spells. Not able to stand up and walk without losing consciousness.

Friday night, I was sent home on strict bedrest, until my doctor was back in town to make a decision about early delivery or not. Saturday afternoon, my awesome nurse-PH went to the ER himself. He'd been getting me some ice water when the icemaker got jammed. As he tried to pull it out of the freezer door, it flew back and hit him squarely in the mouth, causing deep lacerations. When it rains, it pours! This week we spent more time in medical facilities than in the entire 8 years of our marriage combined!

On Monday our doctor said we could have the baby that week. Wednesday morning, 6 AM, found us driving the hour back to the hospital, this time headed straight to the Labor & Delivery wing.

At 9:22 AM, Sophíe Alexandria Grace was born, healthy and strong @ 7 lbs 5.5 oz, 21 inches long, and 37 weeks 1 day gestation.

...baby Sophíe @ 2 days old...

They kept her in the Transitional Special Care Unit for 6 hours or so, making sure her lungs were fine, and checking to see if my anemia had affected her iron levels. Everything came back clear and strong, and after several agonizing hours of waiting - she finally came to stay in our room.

So it's been a little crazy - and I probably won't be up to posting much original material for a little while here on CLUTCH. But I want to thank you all for your prayers and Facebook messages and texts and voicemails. You are all just wonderful!

...1 day old...

In the meantime, Veronica will be holding down the fort, and we have lots of guest posts lined up from other great PW writers.

Lots of love,
~Sarah

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date night with the PH...

Getting off on a date with your awesome PH ain't always easy. If you've got kids, it can feel downright impossible.

BC (that's before child) we used to get out at least once every other week, if not weekly. Then the Little Man arrived, we were called to a district that is hours away from family babysitters, and our date life went down the toilet.

Ugh.

I won't romanticize our date-night success. Honestly, it's an area we know we need to improve in. We do try to spend at least one evening a week together - although most of the time we end up just staying home and snatching a few quality minutes after baby's bedtime.

But we know that a pastoral marriage critically depends on regular quality time focused on each other. Otherwise you can grow apart without even realizing it, and suddenly realize you have very little in common. So here are a few (inexpensive and easy) ideas to stay connected:

If you can't get out of the house, make a regular couch date - tell the kids (if you have them) that this is 20 minutes of mommy and daddy time.

Pray together at night before you fall asleep, or first thing in the morning when you wake up. Share your thoughts and ideas and burdens with each other and God.

If you have kids, get a babysitter once a month and go out for a meal. Lunch can often be easier than dinner - unless your babysitter is skilled at bath and bedtime routines. 

Sit on the living room floor and play a board game or card game. Or do a puzzle together at the breakfast table. Dates don't have to be fancy, just intimate.

Read a book out loud together, in installments. Take turns doing the reading, and picking the books.

Go walking or hiking together. Get out of the house on family day and enjoy nature - especially as the autumn weather gets cooler and more comfortable.

Sign up for a local daily coupon (like www.groupon.com) to get fabulous deals and discounts on nice restaurants and activities in your area.

Got more ideas? Share 'em in a comment below so some other PW can get her imagination rolling. What's your favorite way to get quality PH time?

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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CLUTCHcritic::scripture memory aids

I would be true
For there are those who trust me
I would be pure
For there are those who care
I would be strong
To turn my eyes from evil
Choosing good thoughts
And strengthened by a prayer

So go the words to my son's latest favorite lullaby. While we love lots of kinds of music, my PH and I talked at length before our little guy arrived about the home atmosphere we wanted to create for him. We figured there will be plenty of time for him to listen to the rest of the music out there, and most sources won't be offering the very best - God's word.

So we've searched high and low for a nice library of kids' music that is both enjoyable and gentle, fun and moral. During these early years, while he's like a sponge of learning, our goal is to get as much Scripture into his fabulous little mind as possible.

And we discovered a Christian family business online that sells books and CDs with kids reading and then singing scripture chapters and short choruses (like his favorite lullaby). The funny thing is, we find ourselves unconsciously memorizing entire chapters as we play the songs for him. Since memorization doesn't top my list of fave recreation activities, that's a huge plus.

Unlike a lot of kid's music, which is so bouncy it makes me want to climb walls long before a child would tire of it, these songs are almost soothing.

If you've been looking for great children's Scripture memory resources, Thy Word Creations might be a good place to start. If you have some of their materials, or order some because you read about it here, leave a comment and share your review.

DISCLAIMER: CLUTCHcritic only reviews resources, music & materials that we think might be relevant for young pastoral wives and their families. We do not receive perks or returns of any kind in exchange for our reviews. A CLUTCHcritic review does not indicate endorsement of the product being reviewed. CLUTCHcritic takes no responsibility for the opinions, doctrine, lifestyle or teaching of products or their producers.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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BURNOUT WEEK::looking in the mirror

What if your PH seems to be doing fine, and the person who is truly burned out in your house is YOU?

It's not ridiculous. We PWs tend to work equally as hard as our PHs do, even if it's in different activities. If you have 1 or 2 or 10 kids, then your job is probably crazier than his - because you not only do the full-time job of PW plus whatever career or employment you may have, you're also a mom. (Which, as any mom already knows, is more like five full-time jobs at any given minute.)

Ministry burns pastors out. Even the secular world has sat up and taken notice.

But PWs get burned out too. And we aren't the subject of nearly as many studies or focus groups or counseling seminars.

Which means we need to support each other. And we need to pray about the best solution for our own circumstances. And maybe not be too proud to ask for some help from a church member or neighbor now and then.

Here are some ideas for you as a PW, to help stave off burnout:

• ask for a day off each quarter too, where you focus on spiritual rejuvenation. Get a babysitter if you need to. Put the date on both calendars - yours and his. Plan for it like you would for a concert or a church function. 
• keep a lifeline to the outside world. Find at least one trustworthy friend who is a good listener and has some spiritual wisdom. Nurture that relationship however you can.
• say "Not this time, but thanks!" to that 15th church job. Get over the guilt - when you let someone else do it you are giving them an opportunity to experience the joy of serving. Or if nobody steps up for a while, you're letting them realize how much someone needs to take over. It's okay if that someone isn't always you. 
• skip the late night TV, even if it's your favorite way to unwind. Try going for a cup of tea and a book instead - you'll sleep better without the stimulation of TV, and probably get to bed earlier instead of staying up to watch the next show.
• put exercise on your calendar, at least 5 days a week. Whether you walk with other moms on your street, join a gym for social fellowship, or train for an Iron Man Triathlon... the point is to get positive endorphins flowing, increase your energy, sleep better at night, and feel happier all day (once the soreness wears off, of course!)
• sing. Hum. Whistle. Belt it out. Whatever your style, singing uplifting hymns or psalms or praise songs can help to make your heart happy and stave off discouragement and loneliness. 
• get counseling if it doesn't get better. Find a godly mentor who can help you walk through the steps of feeling less discouraged. 
• most importantly::try to make time for daily prayer and bible reading. If you have little ones, this can be super tough. I struggle with it constantly. We finally settled on two things that help me get a little daily God-time: I do bedtime and Daddy does morning-time so I can have a few extra minutes to pray, and I've started reading aloud from a devotional book when I put the baby down for naps. It's helped!

And be sure to share what you're going through with your PH. Don't expect him to understand how you feel if you're keeping him in the dark. Good communication can only strengthen your marriage and will help him be aware of what's going on at home. 

A FEW LINKS & RESOURCES ABOUT PASTORAL BURNOUT:

• No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern, David Gibson, Politics Daily
• Soul Care the the Roots of Clergy Burnout, Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post
• Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, The New York Times
• Study finds Canadian clergy burned out, isolated, The Presbyterian Outlook
  
• National Clergy Renewal Program
• Clergy Health Initiative, Duke Divinity School

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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BURNOUT WEEK::the battle of priorities

It seems that any time we plan a date night, someone ends up in the hospital. On family days, there's guaranteed to be a call for emergency counseling. Or someone will drop by unexpectedly for a visit.

Which is all okay - we know we can't control when crisis will strike. But we still learn to hold our breath when scheduled "family time" approaches.

I'm blessed to have a PH who intentionally tries to set clear boundaries for family time. More than once his church elders have shooed him out of a late evening meeting so he can get home to say goodnight to our son.

But he also has a soft heart and a generous impulse - which makes him a fabulous pastor, and a devoted husband and father - and often leaves him torn between the two. I can't even begin to imagine the heartache many fellow PWs feel from PHs who aren't so sensitive to family needs.

It can be hard to keep priorities straight, especially if your congregation tends toward the needy side. "You start thinking of things like your church being your legacy instead of your family, and you just get all out of balance, all out of whack in your own relationship with Christ, allegedly for good reasons." (Pastor Rich Teeters, as quoted in "No Rest for the Holy")

As a PW, you can encourage your PH to take one day each quarter for spiritual rest and rejuvenation. Get him to actually put it on his calendar. Otherwise you know it'll never happen. My husband loves to drive out of the city, tie his hammock to a tree on a hillside somewhere, and just read and pray and listen to God. And yes, sometimes he misses a quarter, but it's a good goal to have.

Check and see if your church has a policy for sabbaticals, too. Our denomination offers a 6-month paid study sabbatical after 7 years of service. Other churches have similar policies:

While recent research has focused largely on mainline Protestant churches, some Jewish leaders have begun to encourage rabbis to take sabbaticals.

“We now recommend three or four months every three or four years,” said Rabbi Joel Meyers, a past executive vice president of the Rabbinical Assembly, the international association of Conservative rabbis. “There is a deep concern about stress. Rabbis today are expected to be the C.E.O. of the congregation and the spiritual guide, and never be out of town if somebody dies. And reply instantly to every e-mail.” (Read the rest at No Rest for the Holy, NY Times)

No matter how demanding church duties become, help your PH remember that his priorities should be God>Family>Church, and not the other way around. "Whether you like it or no, read and pray daily. It is for your life; there is no other way... Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow. Do not starve yourself any longer." John Wesley August 7, 1760

If we get kinks in our lifeline to God, we can't pass on His love and teaching to others. If our families are neglected and lonely or out of control, we cannot lead by example.

A FEW LINKS & RESOURCES ABOUT PASTORAL BURNOUT:

• No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern, David Gibson, Politics Daily
• Soul Care the the Roots of Clergy Burnout, Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post
• Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, The New York Times
• Study finds Canadian clergy burned out, isolated, The Presbyterian Outlook
  
• National Clergy Renewal Program
• Clergy Health Initiative, Duke Divinity School

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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BURNOUT WEEK::the case for a sabbath rest

God may have rested on the seventh day, but for a growing number of his ministers, there is more work -- and stress -- than ever, and less chance to unwind. (David Gibson, in his article "No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern", Politics Daily)

Our family believes that sabbath is a big deal. But we freely admit that, as a pastoral family, it's the toughest day of the week. Sometimes, we joke that "We may be Sabbath-keepers, but we are Monday-resters!"

Even so, we try to make our sabbath experience special. Call it old-fashioned, call it romantic memories for the way we were raised, call it an unusual fascination with scripture's definition of having a weekly 24-hour date with God... Call it whatever you want, but it has definitely helped us with the challenge of make the weekend run smoothly.

We see our sabbath as a whole 24 hours of time for relationships with God and family and friends, away from work, away from shopping, away from errands or chores or household maintenance. It takes a little more work during the week, but to our family, it is SO worth it!

During the week, we get the house clean, the grocery-shopping done, and the errands finished (or we postpone them for later). Our church clothes are ready the night before, to minimize fuss in the morning. I try to get some yummy food made ahead of time - ready to warm up so there's a minimum of kitchen chores. (The hubby and I have a deal - I cook up a storm, and he scrubs bathrooms and vacuums and mops, etc.) We even leave the dishes in the sink all day - no washing up allowed!

Whatever we can do ahead of time, or leave for later, we forget about it. (Check out Jenah's column on HOW TO::get to church on time(with less stress) here.)

Our iPod has a special "sabbath" playlist. The baby gets extra bubbles in his bath on sabbath. We light candles all over the house and have yummy snacks and read stories out loud together.

Yes, church day is busy, sometimes downright exhausting. And yes, we eagerly anticipate our down-day on Monday when Daddy gives us his undivided attention. But there's still something special about the day of sabbath that we just don't get from any other day of the week.

A FEW LINKS & RESOURCES ABOUT PASTORAL BURNOUT:

• No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern, David Gibson, Politics Daily
• Soul Care the the Roots of Clergy Burnout, Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post
• Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, The New York Times
• Study finds Canadian clergy burned out, isolated, The Presbyterian Outlook
  
• National Clergy Renewal Program
• Clergy Health Initiative, Duke Divinity School

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BURNOUT WEEK::the measure of "success"

Pastors who are effective and get things done are considered "successful." Denominations ... focus on results that can be measured (e.g., increased membership and the congregation's financial well-being). Yet numerous studies over the past 20 years reveal that this approach is, literally, killing clergy and, by extension, churches and denominations. (Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post)

If you've never felt that your husband is under too much pressure to achieve visible results, just go ahead and walk away from the computer screen. We forgive you. (We might wonder about your sanity a little bit though...)

In her article, "Soul Care and the Roots of Clergy Burnout" Anne Dilenschneider lays out a bit of the history of how we got here. During the 1900s pastoral ministry transformed into a career that was measured by administrative and financial achievements rather than a "cure of souls".

Instead of acknowledging that we ourselves must be "made different" in order to "make a difference", by daily time in prayer and spiritual disciplines, pastors tend to feel that they have to do things, run lots of programs, and raise money.

Time spent in personal devotions and prayer is easily overlooked. Time that is just "wasted" with parishioners often has the greatest long-term return on investment, but it doesn't usually show dividends right away.

These aspects of our lives that truly make a difference in relational ministry get overlooked because we can't quantify the results with attendance numbers or offering dollars.

And our ministries could be so much stronger if we could just measure our success a little differently...

A FEW LINKS & RESOURCES ABOUT PASTORAL BURNOUT:

• No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern, David Gibson, Politics Daily
• Soul Care the the Roots of Clergy Burnout, Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post
• Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, The New York Times
• Study finds Canadian clergy burned out, isolated, The Presbyterian Outlook
  
• National Clergy Renewal Program
• Clergy Health Initiative, Duke Divinity School

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BURNOUT WEEK::the juggling act

It's almost the end of summer.

Have you and your PH (and your PKs, if you have them) had a vacation yet? Have you escaped the hustle and bustle for some quiet rejuvenation? Have you gone camping and danced in the woods? Have you lain still on a blanket and watched the clouds float by?

If you're like us, it's hard to plan vacation time and make it actually happen. Unless you're lucky enough to work in a larger multi-pastor church, it can be nearly impossible to get away for rejuvenation. Who will preach? Who will plan the service? Who will answer the phones?

Burnout is actually a huge, HUGE issue among pastors and their families. (See tomorrow's post for the latest studies on this.) It's in our job description to give. After a while, it becomes part of our nature to just keep on caring for people - often at the cost of our own well-being. And every now and then we need to make sure to get away and have some fun.

Now I'm not advocating that all hard-working ministers should just sit back and ask to be waited on hand and foot. But how can we serve others in a healthy way if we are worn down and beat up ourselves?

Dr. Gwen Wagstrom Halaas, a family physician who is married to a Lutheran minister and who wrote a 2004 book raising the alarm about clergy health (“The Right Road: Life Choices for Clergy”), described the problem as a misperception about serving God.

“They think that taking care of themselves is selfish, and that serving God means never saying no,” she said.  (Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, New York Times)

I'm the workaholic, never-take-a-vacation type, usually because I can't figure out how we'd pay for it. I tend to see time off as wasteful, and travel with a pre-toddler can be more work than it's worth. My PH on the other hand, sees vacation as a necessary aspect of healthcare. It doesn't have to cost much, but he knows that we can't serve the church well, make wise spiritual decisions, or stay harmonious at home when we are running in burnout mode.

And my PH's district supervisors agree with him. They actually asked him point blank halfway through the summer: "Have you put your family vacation on the church calendar yet?"

So we went up north for a week, to attend a friend's wedding. And we made a big loop, stopping to visit old friends and fellow pastor families along the way.

I'm still recuperating from all the fun we had. But I'm glad we went. (And it was super cheap, too!)

Have you had YOUR vacation yet?

A FEW LINKS & RESOURCES ABOUT PASTORAL BURNOUT:

• No Rest for the Holy: Clergy Burnout a Growing Concern, David Gibson, Politics Daily
• Soul Care the the Roots of Clergy Burnout, Anne Dilenschneider, The Huffington Post
• Taking a Break from the Lord's Work, Paul Vitello, The New York Times
• Study finds Canadian clergy burned out, isolated, The Presbyterian Outlook
  
• National Clergy Renewal Program
• Clergy Health Initiative, Duke Divinity School

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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book review::and the shofar blew

Francine Rivers is one of my favorite Christian authors.

She seems to have a knack for taking tough subjects and making them approachable through fiction. As a teenager I was sucked into her "Mark of the Lion" series. In college I appreciated her portrayal of God's relentless love for us as she retold the story of Hosea and Gomer in "Redeeming Love".

Several years ago I bought "and the Shofar Blew" at my local bookstore. I read it, liked it, didn't think much about it.

Last week I was browsing our newly unpacked bookshelves and picked it up again. Read it cover to cover in two days.

This time I could relate to the book in a whole different way. Being a PW for the last 7 years gave me appreciation for her description of the battles raging over the hearts and wills of young pastors.

Rivers skillfully exposes the potential for arrogance and self-centeredness in successful young pastors. She showcases the dangers of upside down priorities to the young pastor's marriage and family. And she deftly illustrates just how easily "church" can become infected with an egocentric country club mentality, how gospel can be replaced by greed, how preaching can become prattling - without us ever being able to pinpoint the actual shift.

I felt so powerfully moved by this book that I urged my PH to read it too. He's working through it in the rare bits of spare time he has... But already the story has sparked great conversations between us about how we can prayerfully safeguard our own ministry journey from these pitfalls.

I don't know if Rivers wrote the book for a pastoral-family audience, or if she meant it for a broader Christian readership. I'm sure both categories could find something to apply to their own roles. But as a pastor's wife I found it especially timely and practical.

If you've never read this book, I totally recommend putting it on your summer book list. And if you have read it, I'd love to start a discussion on what you learned from the story in the comments below.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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apologies...

Girls, I owe you an apology.

This week has been scant on posts, and it's my fault. We were visiting the grandparents in another state for Memorial Day, and the week has been crazy.

A few days ago, my 7-month old son reached up to pat daddy's face and accidentally gouged out a chunk of daddy's cornea instead.

That required a trip to the doctor, a round of antibiotics, and a pirate-worthy eyepatch! It also meant that I needed to do all the family driving for a bit.

And blogging dropped to the bottom of my priority list.

We'll get back on track next week. Thanks for your patience in the meantime!!

© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

(Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.)

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the family ebenezer

My mother has a small rock, about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide, sitting on her dresser. On it is written the word, “Ebenezer.” Now I don’t know what would come to your mind, but I always think of Ebenezer Scrooge when I see it—you know, the grumpy old man who had a life-changing experience on Christmas Eve. I know that isn’t what it means, but I tease her anyway about having a rock with an old man’s name on her dresser.

What it actually means is “stone of help.” She keeps it there to remind her that God is her help. It all comes from the Bible, when Samuel placed a stone at Mizpah after the Isrealites defeated the Philistines rather miraculously (see 1 Samuel 7:12). This ebenezer was meant to be an altar, a monument, a place to help the Isrealites remember God’s help.

Each family, especially each pastoral family, should have their own ebenezer. I don’t mean placing a big stone in the middle of your living room and praying before it. I mean that we should each have a family altar, a place where we worship and honor God for his help. I mean that we should each have a regular family worship time. Here are the 5 W’s of family worship:

Why should we have family worship?
It is a time where the family gathers together and worships God. The family altar is extremely beneficial because it is a place to discuss your faith, to worship together, to discover God, to transmit your faith and values, to build memories, to listen to each other, to pray together, and to address relevant issues.

Who is involved in family worship?
Everyone. The entire family. It should ideally be led by the father, as he is the priest of the home. However, everyone should be involved. Once the kids get old enough, it is fun for them to sometimes plan and lead a worship. And we all know as PWs that our hubbies are not often around in the evening, so we might have to lead out when he isn’t there.

When should we have it? 
Preferably in the morning and evening. But our schedules are often so crazy, that any time your family can consistently have family worship is the time you should plan for. Maybe around the breakfast table. Maybe after baths at night, before the kids go to bed. Even if you can’t have a morning worship because everyone is rushing out the door, at least have a family prayer before everyone leaves.

Where should we have it? 
Anywhere! It could be around the table, or on the couch in the living room (wouldn’t a crackling fire make it cozy?). Maybe gathered around the piano. Or perhaps snuggled up on the kids’ beds before bedtime. How about going outside to worship (there is a stream near our house where we like to go)? In the car on the way to a church service. However, even though it can take place anywhere, the best place is somewhere consistent.

What should we do for family worship? 
This, of course, depends on the ages in your family. The purpose is to discover God, so the best place to start is the Bible. However, Bible story books or family devotionals may be a great bet for younger kids. Share your own stories, or share objects from nature. God has written His character all over creation! Every family worship should include prayer, but music is usually included in our family worships. We also like to play Bible games, perform skits or role plays, or other active learning activities.

The beauty of family worship is that you can tailor it to fit your family’s needs and tastes. Make it fun and meaningful. Vary the format at times. Consider the ages of your family members and create it for them. The important thing is to keep it consistent, purposeful, relevant, and godly.

But I must warn you—as soon you start to have family worship in your home, Satan will try to stop you, and put all kinds of distractions and disruptions in your way! Don’t let him! Treasure your “family ebenezer” and do whatever it takes to be faithful with it. When we worship God as a family, and honor Him for the help He brings us everyday, we will draw closer to Him, and to each other. Isn’t that what we all want in our homes?
 
 

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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families under fire

Do you ever feel like your family is under fire? Well, that’s because it is. Satan is attacking families, especially pastoral families. We, and the families in our churches, are battling financial stress, work pressures, infidelity and abuse. We are dealing with addictions, safety concerns, health problems and special needs. And probably the most pressing, but the most challenging, is raising our children in a difficult world.

Why does Satan target families? Because that is where it hurts. Because that is where we are most vulnerable. Because that is where he can be the most destructive. He knows that a family is where we build our society, where we develop our sense of self, and where we are affirmed and loved. A family is where we strengthen each other, where we transmit our values and faith, and where we shape the future. If our family life is hurting, it is hard to function successfully in other areas of our lives.

The Bible shares with us in Malachi 4:7:

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet Before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD. And he will turn The hearts of the fathers to the children, And the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.”

This text predicts family troubles and break downs at the end of time, but it also offers HOPE!

I am offering a series at our church, as part of an evangelistic series, entitled Families Living with Hope. We are focusing on strengthening and encouraging families. I thought I would share with you in my next several posts some of what I am sharing in my series. And hopefully it will help you in your own families first, but also in dealing with hurting families in your churches.

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a sabbath rest

by Julie

I'm sitting in Books A Million in Gulf Shores, Alabama. We are on vacation with my parents, and having a wonderful time. My mother has a friend who owns a beach house here and offered to let us use it. What a blessing! It seems those are the only vacations we ever take--those that are free. A friend invites us somewhere, or we go to visit out-of-town family, or as in this case, extended family takes us with them on their vacation. The payscale of a pastor doesn't lend itself to frequent elaborate vacations at sandy beach resorts or tourist hotspots, does it? In fact, because I am a stay-at-home mom, the pastor's pay doesn't lend itself to ANY vacation! But we are blessed to be able to take advantage of the generosity of friends and family.

The unfortunate thing about utilizing such vacation opportunities is that it may not be a "true" vacation, in the sense of getting away. In our case, we are with my parents and my brother's family (who happens to be on the opposite extreme from us politically and doctrinally). But we are also with church members. You see, my parents belong to our local church. Now don't get me wrong--I love having my parents as church members. They help me with the boys during church service (because we PWs are in fact single mothers at church!), and I can always call on them to "volunteer" when no one else will step up to perform some ministry duty. However, for my PH, this kind of vacation is not really a true vacation. He attempts to set boundaries,such as not discussing church matters, doctrinal issues, etc. However, he just can't get away from it entirely. So his way of dealing with it is to play all day riding the waves on boogy boards with our boys.

This reminds me of our "Sabbath" day. As ministers, the day we worship is no day of rest. Our families are going usually from sun up to way past sun down the entire weekend. We are weekend warriors for our churches. So we have to take a "Sabbath rest" some other time during the week. For our family, that day is Thursday. My oldest son is actually the one who instituted it in our home. It is our family night. Each week one person decides what we will do for that night. It may be board games, playing the Wii, renting a movie, going to the park, making cookies, etc. We are not allowed to complain about what was chosen because it will be our turn to choose another week. The time we spend together is precious and uniterrupted by others. We have come to treasure and guard these family nights.

God instituted the Sabbath in the Garden of Eden, before the Fall. He spent six days creating a perfect paradise, and then He rested. He didn't need to rest from working. It wasn't like He worked so hard that He tired Himself out. Instead the Sabbath was a gift to Adam and Eve so that they could enjoy with Him what He had made for them. The Sabbath is a gift to us too. It is a time when we can stop working to enjoy with Him and with our families and friends what God has created and done for US. We all need to have a time to stop "working" and to "rest."

Now, I am by no means saying that as pastoral families we should make our Sabbath another day during the week than the day we worship with our church family. I am truly blessed by the "work" we do on our Sabbath day. However, we MUST take some time off during the week to just rest: to be free from church responsibilities, school and work. A time to just enjoy being together as a family without church members calling, or sermon prep looming. It is probably more important for pastoral families than anyone else. With out this rest, Satan will be able to use stress and exhaustion and burn out to tear our families, our ministries, and our lives apart. God wants us to take this time off. That's why He gave us the weekly Sabbath. It is up to us to make it happen!

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traditions and rituals...

Like any other category of the population, we pastor families have a rich variety in tradition and customs. Each of us does things differently.

In our family, I always tell the children's story when my husband preaches. That way I can match the teaching time for the kids to the theme of his sermon. Other than that, I don't do anything or accept any jobs in a new church for at least the first 6 months - so I can have time to get settled at home and get to know people at church before taking responsibilities of any kind.

And when we move to a new district, we usually try to host an come-and-go open house as soon as we get moved in. That way we can get acquainted with people in a comfortable, casual environment and let them know where we live and that our home is a place of welcome.

Everyone has a different way of doing things - and we can all benefit from hearing how things are done in other PW homes.

Do you have a tradition for when you move to a new church? How about a family night tradition that your children love?
Do you have a ritual that you do the night before church? Or in the afternoon after church?


What do you do as a pastor family that makes you unique?

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new places, new faces...

I got this bouquet last weekend.

It was the first weekend at our new church. The congregation was warm, friendly, and the church seemed to thrum with vibrancy. It felt like it was nearly bursting at the seams.

I've never been welcomed in a new district like that before. In one previous district on our first weekend, no one seemed to know or care that we were the new pastors. Granted, it was a large church and we weren't the only pastoral family. But still... after my husband's first sermon we waited for lunch plans. A welcome potluck? No. An invitation home? Huh uh.

Not last weekend - in this district it was like meeting a new family. Of course, there were little things. Like the woman who came up and commented that "your baby was really fussy during church!"

(And I swallowed back the retort that would have sounded something like: "Lady, my kid is 11 weeks old. He sat quietly on his daddy's lap during a 15-minute children's story, and fussed for LITERALLY NINETY SECONDS at the beginning of the sermon before conking out for a nap. I got up at 5:30 this morning so I could make it to church on time with my hair fixed and in a church dress. Yesterday I cooked all afternoon so I could bring a dish to my own welcome potluck. And right now my whole body is screaming 'cause I'm carrying a diaper bag in one hand and a 14-pound baby in the other, wearing a girdle and standing in 4-inch heels because I want to make a good impression on our first weekend here. You are NOT seriously going to stand here and try to tell me that my baby was too fussy!")

But if I'd blurted all that I might as well have just come in my pajamas, 'cause it would have obliterated any good impression I was trying to make.

And honestly, in this new place - where my husband is the senior pastor and I'm the only pastor's wife - I really did want to make a good impression. I want them to like me. I long to make new girlfriends. I very much DO NOT want to tick anyone off on the first day!

I don't think most people have any idea just how much the pastor's wife wants to be liked. Or how desperately we hope to find friends. Or how we cringe when other women our age look intimidated just by walking past us.

So that's my latest first-weekend-in-a-new-church story. How about you?

How do you feel the first time your husband preaches in a new church? Do you do anything special to get off on the right foot?

Spill.

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private vs. public school

As pastors' wives we often feel pressure from all sides, our husband's, church members, church boards, etc. about a variety of issues. Have any of you ever felt (or feel) pressure to send your children to a private Christian school vs. public school? Or even to send your kids to a particular private school or preschool (maybe one closely associated with your local church)?

Where do you have your children? How did you make decisions about your children's schooling and was the decision influenced at all by your husband's role as a pastor?

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PMS::setting telephone boundaries

Does your phone never stop ringing? Breakfast, supper, family devotions - all interrupted?

Church members have lots of needs. Meeting those needs is what the pastor does for a living. But that doesn't mean that members don't sometimes need to gently learn some boundaries. They still need to respect the pastor's family time.

We've talked about having family day and date nights, but what about the phone that won't quit ringing? Does your otherwise-sensible PH feel like he simply HAS to answer every call? Do you feel guilty telling people that you can't do something?

Here are a few ideas if you and your PH need help getting started:

• Set specific pastoral office hours. Whenever possible, schedule all appointments within those hours. Let members know your planned office hours and then be consistently available during those times.
• Utilize your voicemail. Especially after office hours. If it's an emergency, call them back. If it's not, wait until tomorrow's office hours.
  
• Turn off your home phone ringer in the evenings and on family days and date nights. Let it all go to voicemail. Be sure to check the voicemail for emergencies, but don't feel obligated to respond to things that can wait until tomorrow.
  
• If you have pushy members, consider making a cute but clear answering message that says something like: "You've reached Pastor So-and-So. If it's daytime and I'm not answering the phone it means I'm either in a meeting or helping someone. If it's Wednesday, this is the one day of the week that my kids have unlimited access to my time. If it's Thursday night, then I'm on a romantic date with my wife. Please do leave a message, and I'll be happy to respond when I'm available!"
• When people ask you (the PW) for commitments to participate/attend/whatever, practice a standard answer of: "It sounds great, I'll just have to check with my PH first before I can give you an answer." Urge your PH to do the same, and you can eliminate the majority of your double-bookings and over-commitments.
• Put your family and spouse in your appointment book. When you have a date or a family activity planned, don't be afraid to tell people: "I'm sorry, I have a meeting/appointment/obligation that afternoon, but I'd be happy to meet with you at such-and-such a time instead." If you don't, family and dates easily get pushed aside - because everything in ministry seems so urgently important. So just lock it on your calendar and don't budge.

Got more? How do you set boundaries while serving unselfishly? Have you and your PH developed a code phrase or signal to each other for when you need to communicate? Where do you draw the line to keep your family first?

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PMS::when people ask you to take a church job

About a year into my life as a PW, an elderly PW gave me some sage advice:

"Any time you move to a new church district, never take any kind of job or role or responsibility for the first 6 months."

At the time I kind of thought she was being too dramatic. Why wait so long? What's the big deal? I like to be involved at church! Shouldn't I be active right away?

Time proved her right. Taking a few months off in a new place gives the PW time to adjust, get fully settled into a new house, learn her way around town and just get into her groove without any pressure.

Also it gives the PW a little time to just get to know the people. No fuss, no accidentally accepting the job that Mrs. So-and-So has been trying to get for the past eighteen months. Just the freedom to get acquainted, make friends, and observe.

It gives you a chance to find out where the real needs are - not just the imaginary ones. That way you can accept the roles where you are gifted and passionate, instead of getting stuck in something that you don't like or can't do and feeling trapped.

So what do you do when people ask you to take a church job? What are your criteria for accepting or saying "no, thanks"? What are your boundaries?

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PMS::getting members used to your boundaries

Last week I had an unexpected early morning Facebook chat with a PW in California. It was around 4 AM her time, and she and her PH been awakened by a 3 AM phone call from a church member.

Seems this particular member has a nasty little habit of calling constantly, at all hours, and venting for 30 or 45 minutes at a time. Leaves them sleepless and frustrated before the sun even comes up.

"How do we get them to realize that we need personal space, family time, and a good night's sleep too?" Not that you wouldn't jump to help if there was actually an emergency, of course.

Sometimes you just need to say STOP.

There's always a period of adjustment in every church, with every pastor, concerning boundaries. When you first arrive to serve in a new church - that's the ideal time to set your boundaries and get people used to them. If the last pastor was single, and you have four kids, there's definitely going to be some differences in your needs for family time and privacy. Sometimes it takes church members a bit of time to adjust. But that's okay.

On the other hand, if you've been at a church for a while, and you're realizing that your family or your marriage is suffering - it can take a LOT of effort to put boundaries in place after people have gotten used to not having them. But it's worth the effort. This was the dilemma of my PW acquaintance in California. How do you help people learn to respect your family's space and needs when you didn't start out with those expectations?

If you're realizing you need more boundaries in order to keep your marriage or family healthy and whole as you serve in pastoral ministry, don't be afraid to take the leap. Explain to them how detrimental it is when you neglect your family, and that you just can't do it anymore. Enlist their help in keeping your spouse and kids protected.

Set some simple limits at first (we'll talk about things like phone boundaries later this week), to preserve family time and date nights. Communicate your intentions clearly, and then be sure to follow up consistently. If your PH has a weakness in this area, enthusiastically support his efforts to set boundaries, and work with him to achieve them.

A little communication goes a long way into the process of establishing healthy boundaries. And in the end, your family AND your church will both be better off.

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PMS::boundaries in your marriage

Whether or not you see it, church members observe your marriage. They pick up on things like how you interact in public, whether you are affectionate or not, if you seem to be fighting (even good-naturedly), and so on.

Members get a sense of security from feeling that the pastor is happily married and that the PW is well-treated (and that she treats the pastor well in return!). There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it can make things delicate when you just need to fight something out!

Boundaries in the pastoral marriage are not optional. They are absolutely, 200% necessary. And they work both ways - we need boundaries about what we do and say and how we handle ourselves in public (to avoid giving people unnecessary reasons to worry about the pastor), and we also need boundaries that give us a sense of privacy and protection away from the demands of ministry.

Some boundaries that we've found essential include:

• keep a sacred date night, preferably every week, but at least every other week - and let your church members know that barring emergencies, you are completely devoted to your spouse on that date night, no interruptions
  
• don't be too free with details about your marriage, unless there's a spiritually mentoring reason to share
• don't fight in public - no matter how tempting :)
• don't put each other down or ridicule each other's faults or opinions in front of others
• let church members know that you love each other in some visible, tangible way that suits your personalities and comfort zone (Sarah's PH always stops to have her join him and walk out of the church together after he preaches), find whatever works for you
• take a full day off each week, and (just like date night) let your church members know that this is your personal day to spend with your spouse and you simply won't be taking phone calls or appointments
• work to reconcile arguments as quickly as possible when you and your spouse disagree, instead of letting it hang over you like a cloud
• remember, no matter how great your ministry calling is, your first ministry is your marriage. PERIOD. No mission calling is worth the deterioration or loss of your spouse and family!
  

That's just what we can think of... what have you discovered to keep your marriage intact and sacred while you minister to others?

Let the comments roll!

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