on images & generations (part 2)

Postmoderns are by definition undefinable. While this article isn’t a full dissection of the postmodern generation, a few small things can make a big difference in the communication field.

Start with images. Postmoderns tend to be highly visual and relational. The younger generation values experience and feeling. These characteristics flow over into their choices for entertainment, recreation, and marketing.

While previous generations wanted lots of facts and information, today's generation tends to focus on how it feels. Doubt me? Just do a YouTube search for classic tv commercials (try THIS one, or THIS one) and count the sheer number of words.

Then search modern tv commercials (like “Toyota”, or “Febreze”) and notice how the entire focus is on feeling instead of fact.

Advertising today is all about the personal experience. And while we know that the gospel isn't only just good feelings, Jesus did put a huge emphasis on telling your personal story to others. What more is the gospel than the sharing of your individual experience, your feeling about the amazing things God has done for you?

There are also huge differences in marketing and design between past and present generations. I think Christian communicators are wise to develop an awareness of these changes, and see which ones might be beneficial. Here are a few then-vs-now tips in case you serve on your church's communication department, or for sharing with your PHs communication team:

Photography
past: concerned with accurate representation of the object being photographed,
present: concerned with evoking feeling or emotion often using steep angles, creative lighting or other effects

Design
past: concerned with transmitting as much information as possible
present: concerned with transmitting a brand or image, usually with spare visuals, one strong image, and few words

Try designing websites, bulletins and brochures with as few words as possible, and allowing one dominant image to carry your message. Keep colors spare and clean. Don’t be afraid of black and white photographs, especially punched up with one or two accent colors. Write your copy and then cut it in half. Let it sit for a week and then edit it in half again.

The art of writing has changed over time, too. Instead of proving credibility through big words and the cold distance of third person, today's successful wordsmiths tend to settle in the first person. Good writers seek to build a relationship with the reader, even when writing about important subjects.

Research writing hasn’t altered much, and the criteria for college papers may never change – but outside the confines of academia it’s a different story. The postmodern reaction to a forceful attitude of  “I’ve got the truth!” can range from indifferent to hostile. Instead, try drawing out an audience through invitations and examples. Ask them to participate – invite them instead of demanding or overloading.

Experienced writers can play with expression through partial sentences and phrase structure. Put yourself into your story, and tell it from how you feel on the inside. For some writers this is excruciating at the beginning – but that’s okay.

If you don’t watch much television, try going on the internet and searching funny video clips or television commercials. Give yourself a homework assignment to rate the quality of different commercials based on image, appeal, and content.

Visit church websites and decide why you like or don’t like them. Try http://churchrelevance.com/resources/top-75-church-websites/, or http://ministrycss.com/ for an archive of various amazing sites.

Maybe these concepts seem new, maybe they match how your PH and your church already work. Either way, remember that learning your audience and adapting to it isn’t a contemporary concept – it’s a biblical one.

Paul said “Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. … Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings” (I Corinthians 9:19-23).

So, even if you're "just the PW", people may look to you for comments or opinions. Or maybe you can just share ideas with your PH about ways to build connections between your church and your community. Whether or not communication is really your thing, you may have opportunities to influence others in the gospel quest to find common ground with everyone in your audience.

And, as the PW, you might be someone who can ask some tough questions: Does your church tend to neglect one generation in favor of another? Are your leadership teams willing to reach outside their comfort zone and try something unexpected?

this article was originally published in 

the February 2008 issue of Practicing Communicating,
a journal for Christian communicators
adapted for reposting on CLUTCH

by Sarah K Asaftei,
former associate director of the
Centre for Secular & Postmodern Studies

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on images and generations (part 1)

Not long ago, I went to my local Christian bookstore to pick up some bible study lessons. And I was reminded of a challenge that has troubled me for years. The most colorful sets didn’t have great content, and the more solid biblical studies looked like they’d been mimeographed in the 1950’s.

I thumbed through several, finding none that appealed to me, and finally settled on an old standby. But I was left frustrated at all this gospel message on the shelf – with less than zero visual appeal. From conversations with friends and fellow ministry wives, I've learned I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Time was, when our grandparents’ generation didn’t care what information looked like. They wanted to know what was right. What was true. But that era has gradually morphed into the visually addicted society of today. Our generation.

Our generation isn’t attracted by mimeograph. Who cares whether the facts are great, if it looks boring on the outside?!? Our generation didn’t grow up reading books where single sentences were a paragraph long. Many of us were nursed on fast-paced television commercials and split second subliminal images.

Our generation buys movie tickets only if the trailer looked smashing. And so Hollywood plays to our fantasies, and we keep forgetting over and over that the previews are almost always better than the movie anyway.

What has this got to do with church, you ask? Think hard. When was the last time you looked at your church’s event posters? Or website? Or bulletin?

Our generation is the postmodern generation. We tend to think that if nobody bothered to make something look good, then we shouldn’t be bothered to notice it. With so many visually compelling images competing for attention – why should we focus on what doesn’t measure up?

Does this mean the gospel needs to be transformed into a slick commercial machine? No. Am I suggesting that churches should pour oodles of money into fancy gimmicks? Not at all. But could it help if we learned more about the people we’re trying to reach and then sought to meet their needs? Definitely.

There are a few fundamental techniques that professional marketing agents understand, which can only help Christian communicators be more effective. These are:
1) know your audience
2) know your audience
3) know your audience

Sounds redundant? It isn’t. Our audience - both inside and outside our congregations - is shifting constantly. What is normal today will be outdated tomorrow, leaving pastors and gospel communicators in a mad scramble to keep up.

In that scramble, simple is often best. Genuine relationships, straightforward communication, selfless service and interest in others. But simple bible teaching doesn't have to automatically mean looking old-fashioned and outdated either. 

More about that in part 2, next week...

this article was originally published in 
the February 2008 issue of Practicing Communicating,
a journal for Christian communicators
adapted for reposting on CLUTCH

by Sarah K Asaftei,
former associate director of the
Centre for Secular & Postmodern Studies

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deep roots

Normally, I write encouraging posts about life, ministry, or being a wife or mom. But lately we've had a season of outreach, so I wanted to share what we've done.

We are small, with only a few people, but God is shaking up our resources and giving us creative ideas, and we are seeing new people find Jesus each week!

Our city has a great downtown cultural area. It usually draws students from Georgia College & State University, since the university is in the heart of downtown. A few weeks ago, the city had a great festival called "Deep Roots". If ya'll could smell the bbq, your mouths would be watering. Music, crafts - I loved it all!!

We knew we wanted our church to be right in the middle of this great opportunity to reach out to more than 15,000 people. What a chance! We didn't want to just pass out flyers and say "come to our church". We wanted to create a fun atmosphere where people could really make a memory.

So we created a state of the art (ok, not really) photo booth! It was so fun!!! We hung black shower curtains from the top of our tent. Shower curtains because they are thicker and heavier then regular curtains and here in Georgia it can get a bit windy. We bought fun props and raided our kids' toys. Two stools went in front of the black curtain.

We also created a video (http://familyroomonline.org/familyroom/enter_site.html) to play on a flat screen while people walked by.

We had a huge bucket of silly bands which kids could have for free. Then we gave out a card for them to go to the website to get their photos, and got their email to send them pictures. They all signed by their email address to give us permission to post their photos to the web. (Permission and privacy is a BIG detail when working with people and the internet.)

We had an amazing response, and so much fun!!! We were also able to activate 20 new volunteers from our church that day! Watching them love people and have fun was so awesome! So many great conversations -- and several have come to church the last two weekends!

Here is the cost breakdown so you can see how we spent just a little to connect with 15.000 people:

$275 - Space @ Festival
$225 - Props/business cards/video/silly bands
$500 - Total Cost

And the REALLY awesome part? We sent a letter to friends and family, sharing our vision for the festival and two people donated $250. In the end, this event cost us nothing but time and love.

What can you do in your city to go deep and dig some roots in the heart of people around your church?

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wanted for hire (part 2)

Continued from yesterday's post.
Where is the line drawn between experiential faith ownership and intellectual knowledge?

I once heard a speaker talk about the three levels of memory. (I've read about it since in the book Searching for Memory, by Daniel Schachter). It made sense, so I wanted to share it with you here.

LEARNED MEMORY:
You know, the stuff you memorize out of history books. Like "In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue." Or what you cram into your fevered brain for that final exam. Learned memory is the most quickly and easily forgotten of the three. (I knew there was a reason that in college I couldn't remember the previous semester's concepts to save my life! They flew out of my brain just as soon as each exam was over, making room for new information.)

PATTERN MEMORY:
This is the stuff you've done ten thousand times and your hands just remember how, no intentional thought process needed. Like tying your shoes, or riding a bike... These are the physically repetitive patterns that even an amnesiac can do easily. "I can't remember my name, but I can button my shirt!" Pattern memory is stronger than learned memory, and can stick with you even after your mind is gone.

EPISODIC MEMORY:
These are your episodes of feeling and experience. I had one the other day. I was out running, soaking up the brisk early morning air and warm sunshine on my face. In one yard there were some construction guys starting the day, and one had lit a cigarette. That particular smell of smoke, mixed with unwashed workman's clothes and the cool air and sunshine... and suddenly I was transported to my childhood missionary time spent in Russia - an episode that I will never forget.

My conclusions? Well... in essence... this tells me that as God-followers we must create venues for establishing episodic memory in relation to faith. While truth is essential, it falls under "learned memory" and can easily be overwhelmed by a negative episode. And while many will attend church or participate based primarily on force of habit or "pattern memory", the activities may hold little true meaning for them.

Sooooo... the challenge that lies ahead of every ministerial family? Initiating multi-sensory episodes of faith, based on accurate biblical learning, combined with supportive habit/lifestyle patterns and traditions.

Unleash the ideas on me....

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wanted for hire

WANTED FOR HIRE: one hip individual able to relate, knowledge not required, experience necessary.

A few years ago, back BC (before children) when I was working in full-time ministry, a friend and I were chatting about my upcoming trips planned for the year. When he discovered that Amsterdam was on the itinerary, he joked that I needed to definitely try some "stuff" while I was there.

Yeah, well, "I'm sort of a health nut" I replied.

"So how is a health nut, [i.e. somebody rigid and totally UNfun like you], ever supposed to be able to relate? Aren't you working in a ministry to reach postmoderns? Then you need to explore more! Smoke a little stuff, party it up!"

That got me thinking. Just how much do I have to experience in order to relate?

Oh yes, I believe everyone must travel their own journey. And no, I don't think it's possible to live life without ever making a mistake or a wrong judgment call, just because we hope to learn from the mistakes of others. Rare is the child who accepts "No! Hot!" as final, without still trying to touch the stove.

But how much do we have to experience to be able to relate?

If you're going to teach nutrition to cannibals, must you eat human flesh in order to understand their mindset?

If you're a rehabilitation therapist who is counseling a sexually abusive serial killer, must you go slaughter and rape a few victims before you can get inside the patient's mind to help bring healing?

Do I have to go get rip roaring drunk to acknowledge the medical fact that a hangover is likely to result?

Just how far should we go? Where is the balance? Is knowledge really worth so little without experience? Could experience be overrated? But then, most of us Christians are still feverishly trying to create a faith experience that moves our beliefs from the head to the heart.

Religion without soul is hypocrisy.

So then, if experiential ownership of faith is paramount, what worth does knowledge have at all? Does only experience count? Is it preferable to have only soul without "truth"? Or does knowledge make a difference as well?

And in the quest for reaching our secular and postmodern world with the gospel, what are our limits? Do we immerse ourselves in philosophical theories until we have lost our ability to believe?

Just how far do we go?

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loads of love

Several Months ago my husband and I drove to Charlotte, North Carolina to lead worship for a conference. I don't know about you, but sometimes these little trips are exactly what we need to plan and brainstorm for the future of our ministry.

I propped a whole bunch of sticky notes and a huge calendar up on my lap, with a pencil for notes. On the 5-hour drive we were able to accomplish so much, and get so much down on paper. We got to to dream and scheme without interruptions.

Our church has a huge vision to love our city. Red. Yellow. Black. White. Gay. Alcoholic. Addict. We think you still deserve to feel God's love. We like that do do that through tangible acts of service. Doing things that leave people going "Huh?"

Loads of Love was one of those acts of service.

Our childrens' ministry has 20-25 kids each week (remember, we're only 7 months into our churchplant). The kids brought in change they'd collected by doing chores or helping around the house or found in their parents car. The child who collected the most got to put a pie in my husband's face. If they reached the goal we had set for them we promised to throw an ice cream party.

The kids collected a little over $100. Not a ton of money, by any means. I asked myself "How on earth are we going to pull this outreach off?!?" That's when I felt Jesus' still small voice say "You're not, I am." Okay, fine!

We had people sign up to participate. Then we sent teams to two different laundromats where we'd called first for permission. Each team was armed with laundry soap, dryer sheets and lots of quarters. We also gave them donuts and bottled water since it was a Saturday morning. The biggest thing going for us was a team that had genuine love.

We got to the laundry mat and set up all our stuff. Slowly people trickled in, and we told them why we were there. We saw shock, some cried because they didn't really have the money to do their laundry, and we had so many one-on-one awesome conversations. Not pushing an agenda or our church, just simply loving. They saw a little bit of Jesus that day.

Will we see any fruit? Maybe. But we have at least reached one.

One grandmother with her four grandchildren are currently living in a motel. And it's not a Holiday Inn either. I can't share too much info, but one of the girls, a high school student, is now attending our Wednesday Night Glossy Girls (a small group for young girls). This group teaches girls about true beauty, what God thinks about you, and how he has a purpose for your life.

So - that measly $100.00 raised by the children, which I thought wouldn't be enough, was more than sufficient to meet this girl's heart and give her what she truly needed that day, loads of love.

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milk & honey

Dear Girlfriends,

Today I'm writing you a letter, normally I have an article but I felt a letter was needed.

There are times in ministry where it's just plain ugly and hard. Summers can be one of those times. (I think I just heard a chorus of amens across the internet.)

Summertime brings amazing memories and laughter but also sometimes tears. So many times in ministry Summer beats us down... way down. People are gone on vacation, they sleep in, they are busy with activities and church becomes an afterthought. Tithing drops, attendance fluctuates and your hubby can get discouraged. If God has promised great things for your family and your church, then you need to keep reading, and stand on this in discouraging times.

Numbers 23:19 says "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promiseand not fulfill?"  When summer makes other people flaky, don’t evaluate God’s reliability like a human’s. God will never lie, never deceive, never mislead, and God will not change His mind. You can trust God, you can rely on Him, to keep His promises in every detail.

Joshua 23:14: "Not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."

I truly believe that there are times that are so hard in ministry. So I want to encourage you to use the slow summer months to spy on your city.

Go see that your city is flowing with milk and honey, but don't be discouraged by that fruit. The city is powerful with lots of people, issues and things to overcome, but use this time to ask God to direct you and your husband where he may lead.

Pray over your city. Instead of fighting against the things that seem so heavy, flow with it, change it up, and speak life over your city, your church and your marriage.

Spend your influence wisely and leave your sweet smelling scent wherever you may go! Meet new people, and develop relationships. Enjoy your family!!!

And go read Psalm 48!!!

Embrace your summer, ladies, it goes so fast!
Rachael

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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book review::and the shofar blew

Francine Rivers is one of my favorite Christian authors.

She seems to have a knack for taking tough subjects and making them approachable through fiction. As a teenager I was sucked into her "Mark of the Lion" series. In college I appreciated her portrayal of God's relentless love for us as she retold the story of Hosea and Gomer in "Redeeming Love".

Several years ago I bought "and the Shofar Blew" at my local bookstore. I read it, liked it, didn't think much about it.

Last week I was browsing our newly unpacked bookshelves and picked it up again. Read it cover to cover in two days.

This time I could relate to the book in a whole different way. Being a PW for the last 7 years gave me appreciation for her description of the battles raging over the hearts and wills of young pastors.

Rivers skillfully exposes the potential for arrogance and self-centeredness in successful young pastors. She showcases the dangers of upside down priorities to the young pastor's marriage and family. And she deftly illustrates just how easily "church" can become infected with an egocentric country club mentality, how gospel can be replaced by greed, how preaching can become prattling - without us ever being able to pinpoint the actual shift.

I felt so powerfully moved by this book that I urged my PH to read it too. He's working through it in the rare bits of spare time he has... But already the story has sparked great conversations between us about how we can prayerfully safeguard our own ministry journey from these pitfalls.

I don't know if Rivers wrote the book for a pastoral-family audience, or if she meant it for a broader Christian readership. I'm sure both categories could find something to apply to their own roles. But as a pastor's wife I found it especially timely and practical.

If you've never read this book, I totally recommend putting it on your summer book list. And if you have read it, I'd love to start a discussion on what you learned from the story in the comments below.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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haiti update...

Several weeks ago, I proposed the idea that we PWs might try to lend some support to our fellow PWs suffering in Haiti after the earthquake. I haven't posted about it since, because I've been waiting on responses to several queries I've sent out to people with connections there.

I have several friends who have been working in Haiti since immediately after the quake. They are non-profit aid workers who go all over the world doing disaster relief. They've told me that the situation in Haiti was so bad that they didn't recommend us pursuing contact with PWs there until some kind of infrastructure has been reestablished for basic necessities and government. 

In the meantime, I've been making inquiries at Christian organizations outside of Haiti who have contacts there. And I'm still waiting for more information.... The wheels grind slowly...

But I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about it, or dropped the idea. I'll be sure to post news about anything we can do to help, just as soon as I get firm details. 

And until then, even though the news networks around the world have moved on to whatever is the latest, let's remember that the hardest times of healing come after the world has forgotten the shock value of the disaster. 

I hope very much that we can still find a way to express our care and support to the PWs who are serving their congregations throughout the aftermath.

Photo by: Brian Vander Brug / Los Angeles Times / January 25, 2010

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Dear Young Pastor's Wife,

For my entire married adult life, I've had an... older pastor's wife.

Who doesn't speak English.

And comes to our church once a quarter.

Hmmm.

I really had to dig down deep to remember some space of time in which there WAS a young PW in my life. I finally found her memory lodged way back in the 8-12 year old range.

She was lovely. Young, incredibly stylish, pretty as a picture. Their two young children were clean, always well dressed, and way too young to be my playmates.

The female population of the church was enthralled. They ooh'd and aah'd over her decorating skills, her impecable figure, her ability to be a complete fashion plate with her feathered 80's hair, decorative hats and dainty gloves, and her ability to sew dear little dresses for her daughter that exactly matched her own.

In fact, a bunch of the ladies took up sewing that year. Including my mom. Before I knew it, I had several dresses for church that made me look like my mother's mini-me. At 10 years old, I thought that was GREAT! Made me feel all grown up and like I just fit in perfectly with all those lovely ladies!

It was all so exciting!  Everyone was getting along well, the church seemed so very unified at that moment. I remember those days of happy social gatherings with a lot of fondness even now. It was almost like a honeymoon period for the congregation.

I think things began to go downhill about the time my mom decided to sew me some "Hammer" pants.

If you don't know what those are, or don't remember the particular decade that irrevocably ties me to, be thankful for your ignorance.

Very thankful.

And for those of you who might know what I'm talking about - yes, yes I did wear those pants out in public, much to my eternal embarrassment. Several times, in fact. I quickly began to lose my happy feelings about my mom's newfound interest in sewing.

I didn't really realize it much at the time, but the rest of the church was beginning to lose their sense of balance as well. The honeymoon was over. The social good times were slowly tapering off in frequency.

There was a growing conservative movement in our church at the time, and the pastor and his wife were considerably more liberal than the average member.

It started with the board meetings. The stress, the tears, the awkwardness in church a few days later. "Wow," I thought. "I'll never be a board member, it seems AWFUL!" (That mantra didn't really last, though. Here in our little church now - when you're needed, you're needed! I've served on the board most of my time here in many different capacities, and you learn to cope!)

But back to the story. It turns out that our lovely young PW was very sweet and fun-loving most of the time... er, that is, right up until someone spoke out in any way that could be construed as being "critical" of her PH. Then she sort of morphed into this mother bear with teeth bared and claws out.

It was usually contained within the walls of the fellowship hall during a board meeting, but she wasn't above giving a good tongue-lashing to a member in the foyer after services!

Once I was privileged to go to a baby shower for a church member that was held at the PW's house. I was so excited to be part of the "Ladies" for once. All the dainty little finger foods, the pretty dresses, the gossip!

Oh yes, the gossip. PW wasn't above joining in the talk of the know-it-alls that abound in every church.

"Did you hear So-and-so is also having a baby this fall?!"

"Really?! But I thought she wasn't getting married until June!"

At this my mother shot me a look that said, "You'd better not be listening to this!!"

"Oh yes, they've moved up the wedding date and are still planning to go to school in the fall just like they were before, and they will be rebaptized just before the wedding and plan to confess before the church..."

A few of the ladies grew quiet and drew away from the conversation while our PW leaned in farther and joined in with a few more details.

Then someone piped up with a gentle reprimand for the gossipers (which included the PW) and....

We nearly had WW III.

Our young pastor's wife didn't appreciate being reproved, apparently. She let loose with a sound defense and the whole room inhaled together and held their breath.  The party soon dwindled and it wasn't long before we were riding homeward, and I was asking questions that my poor mother had to figure out how to answer.

The end result? Growing rifts between those swinging the liberal way and those swinging the conservative way on the great pendulum of religious views. I guess in a lot of ways the church was heading for factions splitting down the middle anyway, and our young PW just helped push things along.

Worse than that was the slow, trickling loss of respect for her PH.

You know the kind of loss I'm talking about. It starts with feeling a little bit sorry for him because his wife has a temper and that he must have had a lot of criticism lately to warrant that sort of consistent violent reaction from his wife.

And then it became a little more like disillusionment as it continued, and soon feelings of contempt rose up as it became apparent he "allowed" it and that she most certainly "wore the pants". 

Ah well, after their four years were up they moved on, and I haven't any idea how their story continued from there. One can hope she learned eventually to bite her tongue now and then, or learned that her PH was a big boy who could take care of himself, even in the shark infested waters of the terrible board meetings!

I know for all PWs there is a delicate balance between being comfortable and open with members and being TOO comfortable. Between allowing them to see your imperfections and being seen as nothing more than a sinner still struggling with your sin. Between being friendly and making friends. 

All of these issues are fraught with a sense of a tricky balance between the two knife edges of a cliff. I know that the walk of a PW is an incredibly lonely one, but hopefully a little less so now that camaraderie can be found with other PW's online.

I also know that while our church never fully recovered that unity it felt early on in their ministry, it did recover, like all churches do. With time, tragedies remind us that we are, and always will be, family.  I was baptized by that pastor, and that year there were about 30 others who joined me. He was a kind, gentle person, and there were many besides me who were sorry to see him go.

But I can't say the same exact sentiment followed our young PW out the door.

So I write this letter to you, as a young pastor's wife. May you have a better time finding balance, finding peace with the trials your PH faces, and finding that place where your part of the pastoring ministry compliments your PH and only increases the respect people hold for him!

     ~ from a young woman at church ~ 

Guest blogger Lisa writes from northern Michigan. She has three beautiful kids, is active in her local church, and authors her own blog, Riverains at: http://lisasdailypictures.blogspot.com/.

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motherhood and all that...

I'm baaaaaaack...!

After a (seemingly endless) hiatus from blogging here on CLUTCH, I'm back on the wagon, girls. Tristan is almost 3 months old now, and I feel like I'm getting my breath back. It's been a whirlwind though. About 4 weeks after he was born, we received a call to pastor a new district on the opposite side of the Atlanta area. So I spent weeks 5-9 of "recovery" packing house, hunting for a new home, and moving in.

Just in case any of you are considering it, I don't particularly recommend moving your household with a 7 week old baby... But you know how it goes - when God calls, we pastoral families jump and run!

I've definitely missed you all! So I'm giving Delina a break to work on some upcoming surprises for CLUTCH, and looking forward to reconnecting with all of you.

And because I'm a proud mommy, here's the little goober (at 6 weeks old) that's kept me busy since I dropped off the blogosphere.

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PMS::setting telephone boundaries

Does your phone never stop ringing? Breakfast, supper, family devotions - all interrupted?

Church members have lots of needs. Meeting those needs is what the pastor does for a living. But that doesn't mean that members don't sometimes need to gently learn some boundaries. They still need to respect the pastor's family time.

We've talked about having family day and date nights, but what about the phone that won't quit ringing? Does your otherwise-sensible PH feel like he simply HAS to answer every call? Do you feel guilty telling people that you can't do something?

Here are a few ideas if you and your PH need help getting started:

• Set specific pastoral office hours. Whenever possible, schedule all appointments within those hours. Let members know your planned office hours and then be consistently available during those times.
• Utilize your voicemail. Especially after office hours. If it's an emergency, call them back. If it's not, wait until tomorrow's office hours.
  
• Turn off your home phone ringer in the evenings and on family days and date nights. Let it all go to voicemail. Be sure to check the voicemail for emergencies, but don't feel obligated to respond to things that can wait until tomorrow.
  
• If you have pushy members, consider making a cute but clear answering message that says something like: "You've reached Pastor So-and-So. If it's daytime and I'm not answering the phone it means I'm either in a meeting or helping someone. If it's Wednesday, this is the one day of the week that my kids have unlimited access to my time. If it's Thursday night, then I'm on a romantic date with my wife. Please do leave a message, and I'll be happy to respond when I'm available!"
• When people ask you (the PW) for commitments to participate/attend/whatever, practice a standard answer of: "It sounds great, I'll just have to check with my PH first before I can give you an answer." Urge your PH to do the same, and you can eliminate the majority of your double-bookings and over-commitments.
• Put your family and spouse in your appointment book. When you have a date or a family activity planned, don't be afraid to tell people: "I'm sorry, I have a meeting/appointment/obligation that afternoon, but I'd be happy to meet with you at such-and-such a time instead." If you don't, family and dates easily get pushed aside - because everything in ministry seems so urgently important. So just lock it on your calendar and don't budge.

Got more? How do you set boundaries while serving unselfishly? Have you and your PH developed a code phrase or signal to each other for when you need to communicate? Where do you draw the line to keep your family first?

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PMS::when people ask you to take a church job

About a year into my life as a PW, an elderly PW gave me some sage advice:

"Any time you move to a new church district, never take any kind of job or role or responsibility for the first 6 months."

At the time I kind of thought she was being too dramatic. Why wait so long? What's the big deal? I like to be involved at church! Shouldn't I be active right away?

Time proved her right. Taking a few months off in a new place gives the PW time to adjust, get fully settled into a new house, learn her way around town and just get into her groove without any pressure.

Also it gives the PW a little time to just get to know the people. No fuss, no accidentally accepting the job that Mrs. So-and-So has been trying to get for the past eighteen months. Just the freedom to get acquainted, make friends, and observe.

It gives you a chance to find out where the real needs are - not just the imaginary ones. That way you can accept the roles where you are gifted and passionate, instead of getting stuck in something that you don't like or can't do and feeling trapped.

So what do you do when people ask you to take a church job? What are your criteria for accepting or saying "no, thanks"? What are your boundaries?

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PMS::getting members used to your boundaries

Last week I had an unexpected early morning Facebook chat with a PW in California. It was around 4 AM her time, and she and her PH been awakened by a 3 AM phone call from a church member.

Seems this particular member has a nasty little habit of calling constantly, at all hours, and venting for 30 or 45 minutes at a time. Leaves them sleepless and frustrated before the sun even comes up.

"How do we get them to realize that we need personal space, family time, and a good night's sleep too?" Not that you wouldn't jump to help if there was actually an emergency, of course.

Sometimes you just need to say STOP.

There's always a period of adjustment in every church, with every pastor, concerning boundaries. When you first arrive to serve in a new church - that's the ideal time to set your boundaries and get people used to them. If the last pastor was single, and you have four kids, there's definitely going to be some differences in your needs for family time and privacy. Sometimes it takes church members a bit of time to adjust. But that's okay.

On the other hand, if you've been at a church for a while, and you're realizing that your family or your marriage is suffering - it can take a LOT of effort to put boundaries in place after people have gotten used to not having them. But it's worth the effort. This was the dilemma of my PW acquaintance in California. How do you help people learn to respect your family's space and needs when you didn't start out with those expectations?

If you're realizing you need more boundaries in order to keep your marriage or family healthy and whole as you serve in pastoral ministry, don't be afraid to take the leap. Explain to them how detrimental it is when you neglect your family, and that you just can't do it anymore. Enlist their help in keeping your spouse and kids protected.

Set some simple limits at first (we'll talk about things like phone boundaries later this week), to preserve family time and date nights. Communicate your intentions clearly, and then be sure to follow up consistently. If your PH has a weakness in this area, enthusiastically support his efforts to set boundaries, and work with him to achieve them.

A little communication goes a long way into the process of establishing healthy boundaries. And in the end, your family AND your church will both be better off.

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PMS::boundaries in your marriage

Whether or not you see it, church members observe your marriage. They pick up on things like how you interact in public, whether you are affectionate or not, if you seem to be fighting (even good-naturedly), and so on.

Members get a sense of security from feeling that the pastor is happily married and that the PW is well-treated (and that she treats the pastor well in return!). There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it can make things delicate when you just need to fight something out!

Boundaries in the pastoral marriage are not optional. They are absolutely, 200% necessary. And they work both ways - we need boundaries about what we do and say and how we handle ourselves in public (to avoid giving people unnecessary reasons to worry about the pastor), and we also need boundaries that give us a sense of privacy and protection away from the demands of ministry.

Some boundaries that we've found essential include:

• keep a sacred date night, preferably every week, but at least every other week - and let your church members know that barring emergencies, you are completely devoted to your spouse on that date night, no interruptions
  
• don't be too free with details about your marriage, unless there's a spiritually mentoring reason to share
• don't fight in public - no matter how tempting :)
• don't put each other down or ridicule each other's faults or opinions in front of others
• let church members know that you love each other in some visible, tangible way that suits your personalities and comfort zone (Sarah's PH always stops to have her join him and walk out of the church together after he preaches), find whatever works for you
• take a full day off each week, and (just like date night) let your church members know that this is your personal day to spend with your spouse and you simply won't be taking phone calls or appointments
• work to reconcile arguments as quickly as possible when you and your spouse disagree, instead of letting it hang over you like a cloud
• remember, no matter how great your ministry calling is, your first ministry is your marriage. PERIOD. No mission calling is worth the deterioration or loss of your spouse and family!
  

That's just what we can think of... what have you discovered to keep your marriage intact and sacred while you minister to others?

Let the comments roll!

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PMS::the problem of boundaries

If you're a regular CLUTCH reader, you know that the first week of the month is "that time". During PMS week, we tackle the tough Problems, Mistakes, and Sins that are particularly relevant in pastoral marriages and families.

This month, let's discuss the Problem of Boundaries.

Lately we've posted a lot about things like unselfish service and whole-hearted ministry. About helping kids realize that daddy's job is special, and that they can have a role in his ministry, too. But those ideas have to be balanced with healthy boundaries that keep our families safe and secure.

As you've read in the research we posted about why PKs leave the church, an absence of balance in pastoral families is one of the main causes. Pastoral families, like any other family, desperately need a sacred circle that keeps them close together and protects them from the world outside. Not in a rigid way, not in an overly-sheltered way, but in a way that keeps kids feeling safe and secure and that keeps marriages healthy and strong.

This week we want to hear your stories and experiences about setting boundaries. How sacred is your family time?

What strategies do you employ to keep your marriage safe?

How much ministry is too much?

Here goes, girls!

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making ministry out of hobbies...

Sometimes, it seems to be very difficult to connect with people outside our husbands' congregation. I mean, there are so many needs and demands from the people at church, that as a PW it can start to feel exhausting. We still want to minister, and we want to share Jesus with people "out there" somewhere. But how?

Last Thursday night I decided to be brave and try out a fitness class at our new gym. BP (before pregnancy) I was a 5-days-a-week-at-the-gym kind of girl. But the last six and a half months of constant nausea kind of took the wind out of my sails.

But I believe regular exercise is a big part of being healthy with this body temple God gave me (you know, 1 Corinthians 6:19 and all), so now that I'm feeling a bit better I've been slowly going back. It's amazing how much slower I move at almost 7 months pregnant!

Since I don't want to overexert, I settled on AquaFit - a swimming pool class filled with little old ladies and.... me. The lady beside me was perhaps 75 years old, and from Wales. She asked when the baby was coming, and then shared about her hobbies - knitting and painting for all her grandchildren.

Perhaps I'm an odd duck for this generation, but I do a lot of practical hobbies too. Crocheting, needlework, sewing, gardening, etc... Knitting however is something I've never seemed to learn beyond the basics.

She told me she can knit just about anything, and has been doing it for years. I asked if she'd teach me sometime, since she lives so close by, or even if she'd be willing to teach a few ladies from my church. Her eyes lit up like she'd been asked to go to a banquet!

Next time I see her, I'm going to talk to her more about it. She seemed lonely and eager for friendship.

In the meantime, I left the AquaFit class reminded that even hobbies can give a chance to connect with somebody. My hobby of exercise, combined with my interest in knitting, and voila! A chance to minister.

Ever had a friendship or ministry opportunity come out of your hobby? Do share!

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when you're the one that needs help...

As PW's, it seems we often exist only to help others. Meeting their needs, listening to their stories, sharing advice in their context, bringing food to their homes, and so on. And that's all good - after all, it's what we're called to do, right? To serve others selflessly?

But what about when YOU are the one in need? Is it hard for you to accept help when you're so often the one giving it?

The past months have been tough on us for a few reasons - it's the busiest season at church and my husband has had to spend many evenings working late, I'm pregnant and have been quite sick & nauseated for four months, and the week after the baby news his mother was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of leukemia.

Since we've been married, my husband has served as a pastor in four different churches. I've often sent pots of soup or loaves of bread or extra casseroles to members that were sick or grieving.

Until a few weeks ago, no one from our churches has ever done that for us.

At a recent church dinner the subject of my pregnancy came up. I bragged on my PH who has faithfully taken over jobs like cooking and laundry. Since my nausea is most acutely triggered by smells he's had to take control of the entire kitchen.

One woman at the table immediately offered to bring food sometime this week. No offense to her, but I didn't really think it would happen. Lots of people offer to do things, but life often gets in the way of their good intentions. Besides, I'm a PW. I'm used to being the one helping other people - not the other way around.

Two days later, she emailed asking for our address, and to expect her at 6 PM. I was really surprised, and excited (she's a fabulous cook, I already knew that).

She showed up at our door bearing a feast. Scalloped potatoes, roasted butternut squash, seasoned vegetarian chicken, greenbean salad, two kinds of homemade dips with pita and veggie sticks, sliced cucumbers in lemon juice and herbs, lentils, and homemade pumpkin bread for dessert.

Food enough for two days at least - and the PH won't have to lift a finger (except for washing the dishes, of course)!

Her act of service was so kind and undeserved. It really met my love language. I was so overwhelmed with thanks and appreciation that I really didn't know what to say.

How do you react to people serving you? Does it feel weird? Do you need people to notice your needs more than they do?

How can we tactfully but clearly communicate our needs as pastoral families to the congregation?

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taking a day off

Recently, Craig Groeschel (senior pastor of lifechurchtv) asked on his blog if pastors are diligent about talking a day off... a sabbath, whose time they seriously and intentionally guard. A time to renew (not necessarily catch up on home errands). Read the post and the comments here. The comments posted were very interesting, and I wondered the whole time what it was like for the PW.

Is not taking a regularly-scheduled day off a problem of an older generation? Is our under-40 crowd more conscious of the need not to overwork, and more mindful of our family's needs?

How do you and your husband regularly unplug from the 24 hr. demands of ministry?

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on ministry as a family...

Gotta say I love all the comments these last posts are getting!

Since discovering that we are going to bring a life into the world, my PH and I have been doing a lot of talking...

How does this affect who we are?
What does being "a family" mean for our ministry?
How can we grow through this amazing journey of becoming parents?

For us, it's sparked a whole new evaluation of how we minister, what we value, and where we focus. We've spent hours talking about our own characters - what we want to apply and discard from our childhood experiences, and forming concepts of the kind of family we want to be. We've been married and ministering together for 6 years, and this all flows over into our concepts of reaching other people and meeting their needs, too.

So I'm curious - were you in ministry when you became parents for the first time? How did entering the adventure of parenthood challenge your approaches to ministry, if at all? Did you feel any different ministering as a family rather than as a couple?

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