just for pastors' wives #9

Today our friend Joy Dombrow continues the "Just for Pastors' Wives" series. You can connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

Dear Pastor's Wife,

There have been times in years past when my eyes have barreled down the proverbial cup of my life unable to find a drop of water (let alone a thirst-quenching gulp) to share with anyone else. There have been other times, when my cup has been so splashing-over-the-sides full that I realize I can't hold much more until I empty myself out. It is only as of late that I am realizing that there needs to be a balance of inpouring and outflowing, learning and teaching, receiving and giving to keep the streams of water moving through my life and out to others. I would venture to say that most pastor's wives tend to err on the side of giving until their well is dry, neglecting to refill again the waters that are so needed for ministry. Perhaps we need to be reminded of two things. The first is that we are, in fact, leaders...influencers. In this sense, we are often to move out just a little ahead of those that we are called to serve as we teach them, encourage them, and shepherd them. Filling ourselves up with "fuel" to move forward in this way will help us to fulfill this calling and will set an example for others to follow. Secondly, this is a marathon, not a sprint. God honors longevity, faithfulness, and perseverance. Giving and serving until we fall flat on our faces, without stopping to refresh is noteworthy, but it is not commendable. Serving well for a lifetime is more honorable than serving hard only for a short season. As we find the spiritual, emotional, and physical waters of our cups diminishing we must find a way to keep constantly filled.

1. Find a ministry or passion that energizes you. What is God teaching you right now? Where has He gifted you? What is on your heart? If you can serve and spend time in those areas, you will have a consistent and natural source from which to give. In this way, the serving is simultaneously the filling.

2. Learn, learn, learn. Read books...both the latest Christian books as well as the classics. Stretch yourself to learn and grow. Listen to podcasts. Attend conferences. Take notes from sermons. Ask questions of others you want to learn from. A teacher is first a learner. A mentor is first the mentored. The giver is first the receiver. Push yourself to learn.

3. Regular prayer and quiet times. You would think that a ministry wife would already have this practice down, but there are many who find themselves too busy serving to stop and rest before the Lord. The Holy Spirit is the teacher, comforter, and guide. He has so much to impart to us but we need to slow down enough to hear Him speak. It's amazing how many messages, words of exhortation, writings, and practical steps of obedience I have stumbled upon as I go about my daily quiet time with the Lord. He is faithful to give a fresh and timely word through the Scriptures. He is our daily bread and all the portion we need. Give Him the opportunity to fill you up.

4. Soak up all you can from other pastor's wives and friendships so that you are able to give out more and more. As iron sharpens iron, so too do ministry friendships. They can bring encouragement, blessing, exhortation, and incredible spiritual growth if we would just foster them. I appreciate our own church staff wives as they grow to become more and more like Jesus and encourage me by their examples. I have several pastor's wife friendships outside of our church in our own community who challenge and refresh me. I also have a growing number of friendships from across the country as we pastor's wives interact together on twitter, facebook, and websites.

5. Take care of yourself physically. The stresses of ministry (or life for that matter!) can take their toll if we do not acknowledge our physical limitations. We should not underestimate the importance of eating well, exercising regularly, and getting the sleep our bodies need. If left unchecked, stress can eat away at our well being and depression, illness, or emotional instability can set in, making us ineffective for the cause of Christ.

I don't know about you, but I want to serve the Lord as long and as hard as I can, making sure my cup is always filling will bless others as they receive fresh water from my ministry. And for those of you who have been full for a while and need to pour out to others, what are you waiting for? God has positioned and created you for unique service in His kingdom. Go serve someone a little ministry water.

Desiring to be a stream of blessing,
Joy

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just for pastors' wives #8

Today our friend Joy Dombrow continues the "Just for Pastors' Wives" series. You can connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

Today I shared part of my story in front of a group of seminary students.
The deep personal anguish of suffering that I experienced nearly fourteen years ago has moved out from a place of raw hurt to a place of scarred hope. The scope of time has softened the harsh lines of reality enough so that it is not as sharp and dangerous to share. The further out that I move from that place, and the more victory that God grants me over the hard things, the broader I allow the audience of my story to be.

Today I was vulnerable. I knew that there was a chance I would cry. I knew that there were parts of my story that would bring evaluative judgement. I knew that hard questions could come. But, as a pastor's wife I chose (and choose) to risk the hurt. I can almost hear the cheers of vulnerability-lovers everywhere. This word, along with transparency and authenticity has been batted around over the last several years like a beach ball amongst a large crowd. Speakers and leaders are often judged by their exemplification of these words, perhaps because people are grasping for some sense of humanness from us. Although I can appreciate that sentiment, I also feel that these concepts of openness and exposure have been placed on a pedestal of respect far greater than respect for the leader themselves. We have used these words of vulnerability, transparency, and authenticity so interchangeably that the definitions have blurred together and we often miss the path of understanding.

I agree that vulnerability is important. C.S. Lewis says that, "To love at all is to be vulnerable."
Placing yourself in a position that exposes the tender places of your soul, making you capable of being wounded, means that you are open to being used of God in dangerous and risky places. It is a dying to self and trusting God with your heart and your reputation. In this vulnerable state of weakness, God's strength is magnified. Wise vulnerability is a part of ministry and allows for authenticity.

However, in my own life, I choose to be limited in my transparency. Transparency is characterized by visibility or accessibility of information. Not everyone needs to (or should) have access to all the information regarding your life. Yes, it makes of us feel normal when we hear about the stumblings and indiscretions of another. Yes, it makes us feel special when leaders share these things with us because it indicates that we are in their inner circle of trust, so many people will desire our disclosure and exposure.

Yet, the Jesus that we know from the Bible was not completely transparent. He didn't always make His intentions known. He spoke in parables. He didn't not reveal his human temptations and struggles to the masses. God Himself has not yet revealed all of who He is to us.
I think it can be a dangerous practice to publicly (from a platform, blog, or even entire community group) share sin and personal struggle before God has brought it through to victory. Don't get me wrong...80% of the time I am an open book, but I also know that there is a time, place, and season for everything and the wisdom of the scriptures say that it is better to hold your tongue than to say too much. Sometimes revealing certain things is not appropriate. I need to be careful not to expose my husband, or my church, or my friends. I need to be careful to not cause another person to stumble in my revelation of temptation. My general rule of thumb is that the closer I am to the struggle, the smaller my group of confidants. I must be transparent with at least my husband and God to begin with, but as I move past it in victory, I can enlarge that circle more and more as time passes.

But, no matter how much I choose to reveal in a given moment, what is shared must be authentic. Of all three of these words, I believe that authenticity is the most important. It means to be true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. In other words, not to be a hypocrite or fake. The things that are expressed or exposed are in line with the true nature of who we are. Our lives must be honest and real, and you can be real without being overly-divulgent.
It is my prayer that we would give each other grace to walk in varying degrees of transparency. I may not share all of the nitty gritty in my small group or from the stage, but rest assured I am sharing it with someone, and I promise that with everyone, I will try to be vulnerable and authentic...by His grace and through His power.

Choosing to be authentic,
Joy
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just for pastor's wives (7)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

I asked my husband what he would share with pastor's wives if he could. His response to me was,

"I would tell them to be acutely aware of their capacity to make or break both their husband and their church."

In short, realize your influence, for it is greater than you might think.

He was quick to assure that this is not a statement to elicit fear, but rather to encourage pastor's wives to leverage their place in ministry to further God's kingdom.

He and I have seen it go both ways. We've seen men in ministry flourish, and as you peeled back the curtain of their life, you could see the wife cheering him on and using her position and influence in his life to propel him forward.

She is another set of ears to keep a pulse on what people in the church need and are thinking. She is another mouthpiece wisely speaking into circumstances and representing the vision in places where he is not present. She is a salve when he is wounded. She gives feedback for his own good and growth. She can provide safety for the church with a voice of reason or caution. She promotes, and encourages, and prays for, and champions, and nurtures, and understands him and his ministry.

But sadly, we have also seen pastors whose wives held them back.

Mostly it is that these wives have become too dependent on their husbands for their own happiness and satisfaction. He is her only true friend. She relies on him to get all of her needs met, and when he inevitably fails at this task, she nags, gets frustrated, or falls into a bad state emotionally. Perhaps she gossips or perhaps she is critical instead of encouraging.

Sometimes these wives allow themselves to become resentful of the church. They withdraw and neglect being the unique help meet to their husbands, and ultimately some wives push their husbands right out of the ministry.

I think we as pastor's wives in some ways need to think differently. Instead of, "I need to be up front teaching to make a difference" it needs to be "I need to concentrate my energies on influencing my husband in positive ways". Whether it's through encouragement, discussions over sermons as he teaches the word, or helping him see his blind spots, in many ways a pastor's wife is pastor to the pastor.

Others can teach in children's ministry. Others can lead Bible Study. Others can serve in the kitchen. But no one else can be the pastor's wife. She is more influential to her pastor-husband than the elder board. She has the ability to propel her husband to lofty places, or to bring him low and demoralize him. Even if everything else in ministry is going well, if things are not good at home, he will be discouraged. Only she knows his true joys and struggles and can minister to him in that way.

They say that behind every great man is a great woman. I believe that behind every thriving pastor is a wife who embraces her role and makes his success and well-being one of her top priorities. May we be strong and godly women who show God's grace to our husbands and look for ways to help him thrive in his God given calling.

Choosing joyfully to help my husband,~ Joy

Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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just for pastor's wives (6)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

"Why doesn't your husband dress 'nicer' on a Sunday morning? Does he really need to wear jeans? That is just so hard for me to get used to."

The encounter was early in my days as a pastor's wife. She was an older lady who was unaccustomed to the laid back generation coming up behind her. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was well-meaning. However, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with such a statement.

Why she was telling me? Was I seen as responsible for my husband's attire? Did she want me to talk to him? Was she just making conversation? How was I to graciously respond to that?

"The music is too loud."
"He doesn't give enough altar calls."
"I don't think so-and-so is very good."
"I don't think that was a good decision."
"He was too blunt in his preaching."

So many times, as pastor's wives, we find ourselves backed into corners, listening to unsolicited advice, grievances, or "concerns" regarding ourselves, church leadership, or our husbands. In an effort to "better" the church experience, people make strong suggestions and test their influence, particularly with the pastor and his wife. These little needles of criticism can over time leave us worn down and frustrated.

We can't please everyone (and as a pastor's wife our control is very limited), so what are we to do when negativity is placed at our feet? My husband and I are learning in this area and these are the guidelines we try to set in place.

1. Seek to understand the person, not just the criticism
   Usually what is being said is a peek into what is going on deeper inside of a person's heart, and we must look past the words and into their being. You've heard the phrase, "Consider the source". Do they have a reputation for this? Are they hurting? ...because we all know that hurt people hurt people.
   
   Have they earned the right to be heard in your life (i.e. do you have a relationship with them, are they an authority over you)? Are they godly people speaking from a place of the Holy Spirit? What does their criticism say about their heart...is the criticism valid and loving or bitter and controlling?
   
   Beware of people who say "God told me to tell you...." or claim to have the gift of prophecy or discernment and therefore feel they have the right to tell you something that God has not already told you Himself. Just sayin'...
   
2. Sift through the truth and the lies
   Is this a sin issue or is this a preference issue? What part is true and with whom does the responsibility lie? It may truly be their issue that they are trying to place upon you.
   
3. Practice the presence of God in the moment
   The simplest response is always the best. Fewer words mean you can spend those conversational moments praying... for grace, for wisdom, for words and for love. As you listen, remember to keep perspective, for in the scheme of things it probably isn't that big of a deal. Setting your mind on the Lord and His nearness will help you to do that.
   
4. Work on getting over any vestiges of people-pleasing
   In other words, grow some thicker skin. People-pleasing and criticism do not mix. When you can stand confident before the Lord about an issue, it is so much easier to give others grace when they voice their opinions.
   
5. Don't jeopardize your own integrity.Don't get caught up in the gossip.
   Don't give them cause to support the criticism of you.
   Don't get defensive, emotional, or caught up in a power struggle. Just because someone is bringing you their "stuff", doesn't mean you need to engage in the same way.

Those are our general guidelines for handling criticism, but what about more specific situations?

How to handle criticism aimed at our husbands:
This is a difficult one for me because I can handle criticism about myself much better than I can handle criticism about my husband. I think it is probably a love and control thing.

So often, people think that they can influence the pastor through the pastor's wife. I tend to just let them know up-front that this isn't the case with me. I'll say, "I am sorry, I don't usually pass on information like that to my husband. Have you talked to him directly about this?" Either they already have and didn't get the response they wanted, or they haven't because they are too afraid to.

I had to learn early on not to take up an offense for my husband. He is very capable of handling himself and I don't need to be mad at others on his behalf or defend him. Because of this, I even request that my husband not tell me everything negative that happens at church. I want to be free to love people well. Ignorance allows me to do so.

How to handle criticism aimed at our church leadership:
On a very real level, criticism about another church staff member is the same as criticism about another lay person.

It is gossip.

Again, they need to go to the source and we need to cut off the conversation as soon as we can. (I suppose there are rare exceptions if we are in a specific leadership position ourselves and we can do something to promote unity, but if there is little we can do to help, we need to redirect).

Speak highly, yourself, of all those in leadership at the church. The enemy loves nothing more than to see division among staff.

How to handle criticism aimed at our children:
This, too, is a tough one because it brings out the Mama Bear in us. The bottom line? We should not parent any differently just because we are in the spotlight. We must carry on as we would normally do if we were not the pastor's family (hopefully that is in a wise and godly way).

Smile.

Say, "Thank you for sharing". Make sure your children are not around to hear it, and then move on.

How to handle criticism directed towards ourselves:
Just like anyone else, we can encounter criticism about our faith, our parenting style, our dress, our friendliness, our friendships, our attendance, or our ideas. How we handle it is an indication of our humility as evidenced by our willingness to grow, learn, and change.

Rhonda Baker from Central Christian Church taught me this principle:

- Process the criticism over three days, giving it a death, burial and resurrection. On day one, feel the pain, sting and hurt of the criticism. Allow yourself to grieve.
- On day two, go silent and don't talk about it. Just let it set with you and allow the Lord to work within you that which He wants to you learn.
- Then on day three, process it to a place where you can take away a truth that will help to make you better in Christ. At this point, we must filter it through the grid of God's Word, discarding the lies and keeping those things that are valid.
- During this process, ask someone whom you know loves you (and will be honest with you) if there is truth in what has been said and use that for the good.

Finally, in all of this, remember Jesus. He didn't always answer His accusers. He knew His position was secure. He, too, endured criticism and in the midst of it all He remained humble. Oh, that we would follow His example.

Then, dear one, move on. Life is too short, and there is too much ministry to do to allow ourselves to become stuck or bitter in the criticism of others. Thinking too much about the criticism is thinking too much about yourself.

God has called and anointed us to help lead our churches and we must move forward in that calling. Leave the criticism behind and walk toward the glory of serving our God.

Growing stronger and wiser with you,
~ Joy

Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/ Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that continued for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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just for pastor's wives (5)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

There are such wonderful joys and privileges of being able to serve people!

I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else. I love my church family. I love that I get to encourage and minister to others. I love that people entrust to us the momentous occasions of their life, whether they be the highest highs or the lowest lows.

The role of pastor's wife is unique. It is one of the few positions of life acquired by the status of your husband's job. It is a position where his job also happens to be your church, ministry, and friendships. It is a position where you get to see (and hear about) each facet of what he does for a living, which is both a blessing and a curse. There are confidences to be kept. There are unpopular leadership decisions to be made. There are hurts of others to be absorbed.

If left to run it's own course, leadership in this unique role can be lonely if you let it. It just feels like there aren't enough people who can identify. However, there are people who can support you as you embrace this incredible journey, simply because of their love for Jesus and their love for you.

I have found it important to purposely pursue and create my own support system. It won't happen by chance (well, maybe it could, although I wouldn't sit back and wonder), but the joys of ministry are so much sweeter if you have people in place around you that you trust for encouragement, for accountability, for friendship, and for sharpening. The difficulties don't go away, but they are certainly lessened by the presence of such people. I suppose it is true for anyone. God made us to need each other.

Here is a peek at my support system:

1. A Prayer Team
This is a group of about ten prayer warriors who have agreed to pray for me when a special need arises. They include family members and friends from outside the church (so that I can be candid), and one person from within the church (whom I trust). They often ask me how they can pray, and when something comes up, I send out a quick email for their prayers. I am so thankful for their willingness to go before the Lord on my behalf. It truly means so much to me and gives me confidence as they pray.

2. A "Board of Directors"
This is a group of 9 people that don't even know that they are on my board! :) Instead of having just one mentor, I have 10.

Each year, I sit down with a piece of paper and draw a rectangular "table" with 10 open chairs. I write down a name in each place, starting with Jesus as being the chairman of the board. Then I have someone that I go to for parenting advice. Someone I go to for counsel on being a loving wife. Several people that encourage me in ministry. Someone I would go to for financial or business decisions. Someone that keeps me accountable for exercise. Someone that I just go to as a godly peer friend. Someone that will keep me accountable in my spiritual growth.

The list of needs may change from year to year, but I try to be intentional about who I allow to influence me and my life path.

3. Community within the church
There is old advice out there that says you can't have any close friends within the church for fear that others will get jealous or accuse you of having a clique. To that I say, "Good grief!"

We as pastor's wives need to model what a church community is about and it should be in part about friendship. We hope that people in our congregations would develop close relationships and so the same should be true for us.

Of course, they shouldn't be exclusive in nature, but it is sure nice to see a friend at a women's event, or a prayer meeting, or at services. I try to participate in small groups at various times and in various ways in order to build community for myself. Within that, I have a few women that I just feel comfortable with. I don't spend tons of time with them, but I know that they love me for me and they know that I love them.

If you don't have a good friend at church, pray for one. It is a blessing from God.

4. Community outside of the church
I think that this should be an important priority. Having a life outside of church helps to create a sense of normalcy and perspective.

Perhaps you can find community through your children's school or sports. Or maybe you can take up a hobby. Or maybe work allows you to have this type of community. Meet regularly with another pastor's wife from a different church. Join the virtual community of pastor's wives. Read good books about ministry. I do all of these things, filling myself up with things outside of my own church so that I can be enriched and ready to pour out to others.

Supportive people in our lives are necessary for our joy and emotional well being. They give us longevity in ministry and they are a vital part of the work to which God has called us. Let's be intentional about pursuing these relationships and being an encouragement to one another!

Grateful for those who come alongside me,
~ Joy

Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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just for pastor's wives (4)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

Just last week, I was having lunch with a sweet friend of mine who is a fellow pastor's wife at a nearby church. Our congregations have both gone through some significant changes over the last few years and we were talking about the difficulty of having people that we have loved and invested in move on to other churches.

Some of those people have left our church to go to theirs.

Some have left their church to come to ours. Some people just come and go due to job changes and moves.

In strange irony, as we were eating, the owner of the restaurant came over to say hello. My friend introduced us. He happened to have attended her church at one time.

"We left because the youth pastor transition was hard on my son."

He didn't know who I was. He didn't realize that I was the wife of the youth pastor who had left. In an effort to quickly diffuse any embarrassment he might inadvertently bring upon himself, I said, "My husband was the previous youth pastor."

"Oh yeah? He was good. He's over at Willamette now, right? We tried out that church and enjoyed his preaching, but we decided on a different one."

When he departed, my friend and I just looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and laughed. What else can you do? Those conversations are deep down awkward, but God gives His grace at just the right time.

I am thankful that He has taught me early in my ministry to be open-handed, for I have seen what possessiveness can do. It can eat away at your spirit and make you bitter and angry at others. It's hard to keep a loose, yet loving hold upon those whom are your church family. Even if they are entrusted to our care for only a season, we are to go all out in (guarded) abandon to serve and honor them. God will probably move them on at some point, but we can count it a privilege that He ever let us be a part of their life at all. (It doesn't mean it won't sting a little...or a lot ;-).

Along the lines of being open handed, one of the most freeing pieces of advice ever given to me was this: It is a great gift to the people in your congregation when you give them permission to not have to like you. (Certainly we hope that they do and heaven forbid that we ever conduct ourselves in a repulsive manner).

Actually, it is also one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Of course this is not a verbalized permission, but it is conducting yourself in a way that does not grasp, or worry, or strive to please people and work for their approval. We can get very weird if we believe that everyone must like us, for not everyone will. We can inadvertently put pressure on people to be someone they are not when they are with us, or to include us in all of parts of their lives.

It's a possessive and prideful spirit that we must release to the sovereignty of God, and as we do so, we will be refreshed in our souls.

Worrying about whether or not people like you or whether or not they like your ministry will drive you crazy and put you in a looney state of mind. I have seen it happen to many a pastor and his wife. 

So, my friend, pry those hands open. Allow people to come and go. Allow people to have their opinions about you and the ministry. Release it all to God, then whether it flourishes or falters, it can all be used for His glory.

And you can relax and enjoy the ride knowing that HE is in control.

With hands outstretched,

~ Joy

 Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service. While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

Share

© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

Read more...

just for pastor's wives (3)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

Perhaps it is because we don't want to make ourselves so vulnerable that our hearts get hurt. Or maybe it is because our personalities don't like the limelight. Or maybe we are unsure how to go about it. Or perhaps we are simply unaware of the importance of our presence.

Whatever the case may be, some pastor's wives simply aren't visible. I believe that, in our own way and in our own style, we must make it a priority to be a presence in our church families.

I personally do not like to have eyes on me. My reserved and retiring personality feels awkward at unscripted social functions. I would rather stay home and read a book all day than to be traipsing around a room full of people. However, being amongst those to whom God has called me to serve is an uncontested given, or so it would seem.

For legitimate reasons, I'm sure, the previous pastor's wife at our church wasn't around for her last 7 years in this ministry. When I arrived on the scene, I heard many people say that they didn't even know who she was, and I am sad to think of what the ministry lacked as a result.

I think it is important that a pastor's wife be a vital part of the church family where her husband has been called. I don't always do this perfectly. Sometimes I would rather just hang out with my girlfriends at church. Many times I must tend to my children (but I caution against socially hiding behind them, if you know what I mean). Other times I just want to keep a low profile because I am tired and weary. But I try not to let it be my norm.

Regardless of your husband's pastoral position, for the sake of his ministry, your ministry, (and even your marriage), make every effort to be visible.

Hear me now. This does not mean that I believe that a pastor's wife should be at every church function, or that she must always lead a ministry. Dear me, No! However, for as many events that we can attend, we should do so, and do so in a way that is visible. Here are things to consider:

1. Go to strategic events at church. Some events are weightier than others. If there is a funeral of a dearly loved, long-time member of your church, that would be one to attend. Community group invitations, baby showers of staff wives, kick-off events, women's Bible Study, and elder's wives gatherings are others that would top my list. These are opportunties to minister to a lot of people or to be involved in fellowship with key leaders of the church.

2. Position yourself well. When attending a church function, we can maximize the opportunity by placing ourselves in visible locations. For me, because my husband is the preaching pastor, it makes sense for me to sit up front not only so others can see that I am present, but so my husband can sit with me at times and the congregation can see us together.

It makes little sense for me to serve in the nursery right now because I would not be visible there, but certainly the wife of a children's pastor could do so. Sometimes, it may be best to stand near the back as people enter or exit so you can greet as many as possible. Other times, it may be helpful to mingle with others in the lobby, or pass out bulletins, or serve in another active and visible role.

3. Take opportunities to be up front. This goes no matter what ministry role your PH has. I don't mean literally from the main stage. But you might take a quick up-front role at choir practice, or at youth group, or in women's ministry. Don't force the issue, but if given the opportunity, go for it and try not to shy away. Pray when you're asked. Give an announcement. Share a story. Be in an accessible location after services to those within your husband's sphere of ministry.

4. Have groups of people over to your house. One-on-one can be fun, but it's exhausting to get to know a lot of people in this way, especially if you are new to a church. Go for casual pot-luck parties with your husband's ministry team. Have a SuperBowl party. Invite the staff or elders' wives over. People appreciate getting to be in your home and knowing you in a more casual setting.

5. Develop your own ministry where you can reach many people. Perhaps you like to write notes to people. If so, make it a priority to write 5 or more each week to people in the congregation. If you like to counsel, let it be known among the church staff so that they can send people your way. Maybe you will have opportunities to speak, or write in a newsletter, or blog. It is cathartic and refreshing to not just be "the pastor's wife", but to have a ministry in your own right.

6. Stand by your man. Literally. Your presence by his side makes a strong statement to those that are watching. It lets people know that you are a team. You have strengths that can compliment your husbands and as you talk to others together it will be noticed. Plus, you are able to interact with the same people and help each other remember names ;-). It also keeps unhealthy admiration by other women in check. Ahem... hint, hint.

Whatever you choose to do must be in the context of your own personality and your relationship with your pastor-husband. The only exhortation is to make sure that you have a presence within your church...that people know who you are and feel that you love them and are approachable. How you do that is uniquely defined by you. God will give you the wisdom and grace to get out there and lead well. You can always go home after church and take a little nap :).

Rising up into my role and calling with you,
~ Joy

Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
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just for pastor's wives (2)

Dear Pastor’s Wife,

Without fail, when someone speaks the term “pastor’s wife”, varying images and ideals are conjured up in the minds of those listening. I would venture to say that those ideals differ from person to person, but there can often be an unspoken expectation inadvertently placed on the pastor’s wife regarding who she should be and what she should do.

You know the typical ones... Piano player. Conservative style. Teaches children’s classes. Bible Study leader. Two-for-one deal. Depending on your church situation, you can receive these messages from members of the congregation, but often times...

...the worst offenders are ourselves.

Perhaps your own pastor’s wife set the model for you. Maybe it came from your seminary experience. Maybe it was set by your pastor-husband. Maybe you were influenced by all the comments that you hear about pastor’s wives, or questions from the members. However, somewhere along the way we can become consumed by the should's and the ought-to's (even subtley) of our identity as pastor’s wives instead of the get-to's of who we were made to be in Christ.

That kind of thinking leads us to insecurity. Insecurity leads to funny behavior...like jealousy, and withdrawal, and self-promotion.

God chose us to be pastor’s wives. We will not please everyone. Why are we trying to anyway? He will (and has) equipped us to compliment our husbands and their ministries while enjoying our own... just like every other wife out there.

So my thought for today?

#2... Know who you are and live it out.

Find out your strengths and weaknesses.

Take tests for your personality and spiritual gifts to help you narrow down what you should say "yes" to and what you should leave to the other parts of the church body. Ask your friends what they see as your strengths. Note the areas where you receive positive feedback and confirmation. Play to your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. Try to make at least 80% of your ministry within your strengths and 20% or less within your weaknesses (stuff still needs to get done, ya'll).

Know what energizes you and what doesn’t.
Usually what energizes you is in your area of strength. However, if you need to do something that doesn't come naturally, make sure to have a plan to refuel later. Make sure you are rested up and prepared for that task. If you are an extrovert and being alone makes you depressed and tired, plan some coffee appointments. If you are an introvert and loving on people all weekend makes you tired, don't plan much for Sunday night or Monday.

If you have creativity coursing through your veins, look for ways to utilize it for the church. Snag a hobby that brings you joy so that you can continue to serve gladly. Whatever you do, pace yourself for the long haul. Don't jump in without counting the cost and planning a course for longevity. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Recognize (and accept) your stage of life.
If you are working, select ministry that accommodates your schedule and also gives you some downtime. If you have young kids, simplify ministry life so that you can cope with the needs of the home. If you have to take care of aging parents, don't apologize for not being able to make it to everything. If you have active teenagers, figure out ways to do ministry that won't cause them to resent being a PK.

Bottom line: we should never try to fight against our stage of life, or wish for something different. If it is a stage you don't like or that hinders you from your view of how you should do ministry, just know that it is temporary and is preparing you for a future stage. You can still thrive.

Do not try to be someone else or wish you were different.

Although it is good to have role models and to look to others to help sharpen us, we must be very careful about turning our heads to watch what other pastor's wives are doing. That kind of comparison can often lead to feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. I love what I stumbled upon in God's Word recently:

"Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct." Galatians 6:4-6.

Let's rise up into the role and calling that God has placed on our own lives. If you don't do it, someone else just might. Your role is the role you were intended to fulfill. Do not try to fill anyone else's... their job is already taken.

Let God speak to you each day about who He made you to be and what He wants you to do.
This concept piggybacks on the verse above. The key is to do what you should do... what God has told you to do for the day. So often I feel guilty for not being able to meet the continuous stream of needs that are within our community.

However, if I begin the day asking the Lord what He would want from me and then trust that He will answer that prayer, I can look back on my day and be confident that what I was able to do, or not do, was His plan and idea... not my own.

That daily prayer is a vital one and allows me to live a life that stands strong against comparison and regret. If God has led me to it, then I must do it. If He hasn't, then I am free from that obligation, no matter what others may say.

Sparkle!

My pastor's wife's mom gave me this little word to hold onto. I am rather reserved and so just thinking about this as I enter a room really helps me to go out of myself in order to minister.

If that outfit is modest and you feel great in it, wear it without worrying what others may think. If someone makes a funny comment toward you or you feel them whispering behind your back, just continue to smile, deflect the comment, and hold on to your purpose.

If you are feeling tired, allow the joy of the Lord to be your strength. Dwell in the wonderful parts of your personality and live unapologetically in who God created you to be.

In short, we as women in Christ must learn to rest in God. Comparison, pushing your way into ministry, being someone you are not, and trying to meet everyone’s expectations (unspoken or otherwise) is exhausting.

Just relax and be yourself. The people of your church will get used to your style and will love you best as you love them out of a secure and confident heart. The ones who don't, have that prerogative.

So break out those funky shoes if you want. Indulge in that fun hobby of yours. Embrace this stage of your life without hesitation. Stop trying to do everything so “right”. And run with God headlong into serving and loving the way He has created you to do it... with a genuine smile upon your face.

Uniquely designed for His glory,
~ Joy

 Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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just for pastor's wives (1)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

Over the past 16 years of being the wife a man in full-time ministry (i.e. a pastor’s wife), I have learned a lot...both through wise and godly counsel and from experience.

I always wished that someone would have sat me down and told me all the things that would be helpful for me to know in ministry. I didn’t take Pastor’s Wife 101 in college :). Most of what I learned I observed from my mom (or she counseled me in along the way), I gleaned from books by pastor’s wives, or I figured out by trial and error.

Through the years I have developed a love for sister PWs and am sensitive to the needs that they have as they fulfill a unique calling on their lives. So, from time to time, I thought I would share some things that I have learned along the way. I don’t do them perfectly, as I am a work in progress and have much more to learn, but there are certainly little pearls of wisdom I can pass on...especially to those who are just starting out in ministry.


#1 Recognize that it takes about three years to feel at home and find your place.

Oh, I have had to remind myself of this piece of wisdom time and time again! Not only is it true for a pastor’s wife, but I believe it is true for anyone starting out with a new church...layperson or otherwise. Upon setting foot in a new church, idealism and expectations run high. Based on previous experiences we have preconceived notions of how things should be...either positive or negative.

I have found (after being “new” in four different churches) that it takes a long time to form lasting relationships, to figure out the in’s and out’s of the church body, to find a good fit for my own giftings, and to settle into what is normal and healthy for the current church situation. So often times, people become discouraged at about year 2, wondering why they don’t feel like they fit in, when in reality they just need to hang on because year 3 is a-comin’! (Of course, each circumstance is different and it make take shorter or longer for some).

Within the first year, I have found two pieces of advice helpful. The first comes from Chuck Swindoll who told a friend of mine, “Be careful who greets you off the plane”. Meaning, be careful of those who try to befriend you hard and fast in the beginning. Often times, these people are ones who are starving for friendship...and for a reason. Or, they had extreme loyalty (and thus influence) to the previous pastor and his wife and want to recreate that same relationship with you. In short, they are feeling a loss and may have an agenda. Although the attention is nice, it may come to harm you later.

The second piece of advice is not to tie yourself down to any one ministry in the first year. As soon as pastor’s wife sets foot on the scene she is a novelty and new “help” for any given ministry. It was a blessing for me to let people know up front that I would not be committing to much at first so that I could get to know the church as a whole. We visited as many community groups as we could within the first six months. I went to all three services. I was a participant in the women’s ministry. I helped out here and there in the children’s ministry. We had people over to our house as often as we could.

I kept myself free enough to be visible and active in as many things as possible without having to lead much of anything. I supported my husband along the journey of his learning curve. I don’t know that I stuck to my plan for the whole year because six months into it we had committed to a community group and I served on the children’s advisory board, but the pressure was off and I was free to make decisions based on where I felt God was leading me. Ministry is a marathon, not a sprint, and it is important to count the cost before making a leap of commitment that may, or may not be the best fit for you or your family.

By the second year, the “honeymoon” (if you ever got one) is over. New staff come on board that then become the new novelty. Idealism gives way to reality and it’s time to figure out how to settle down for the long haul.

By year three, trust and credibility have grown, friendships have been forged, giftings have been placed, and a ministry wife can settle down into her church family like a familiar warm blanket.

The transition to a new ministry has its ups and downs, but perseverance is your friend. I have been so blessed to be at the church that we are at. Honestly, I don’t know that a transition could have gone any smoother as our people have been so generous and gracious toward me. But, there is still a transition nonetheless and for those of you in rockier circumstances...hang in there!

Remember that it will probably take about three years and recognizing this fact will save you from acting out of insecurity, which is never a good thing. You will find your place in your new church family and in doing so be a blessing to them.

Waiting for God's timing in all things,
~ Joy

Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service.  While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.
Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

Share

© CLUTCH, 2009-2011 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

Read more...