positive discipline 4

This is our last post on the topic of positive discipline. I hope it has been a valuable series. I know when I conducted a series of family life presentations at our church, this was most everyone’s favorite topic. Not because it is so exciting or uplifting, but because it was so relevant.

We’ve already discussed how positive discipline should be prayerful, proactive, consistent, swift, firm, honest, and clear. The final three aspects of positive discipline are being appropriate, fair and level-headed. These are very important keys to making discipline positive, and thereby helping to grow your child into a disciple of Christ.

Appropriate discipline basically means that the punishment should fit the crime. The more relevant a recourse is, the more learning can take place. The level of discipline should fit the level of the misbehavior. And whenever possible, we should utilize the natural consequence, making it all the more meaningful. In Exodus 21:24, God instructed Moses to make discipline appropriate when He said, “But if any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, and for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.” This was in response to the Isrealites doling out extreme punishment for not-so-extreme behavior. God wants us to make sure that we don’t go overboard—or underboard--on our discipline either. It should also be age-appropriate; a teenager needs a different approach than a toddler. Appropriate discipline is positive discipline, and therefore teaching discipline.

Next, it should be fair. This also goes back to being consistent and appropriate. Kids have a keen sense of fairness, and will accuse us countless times of being “unfair”. I like to come back with the statement, “Life isn’t fair when you compare.” There is a difference between being the same and being fair. In order to be fair, we need to consider our children, their personalities, and their needs. But we also need to listen to them, their reason for doing something and perhaps the context of the situation.

Finally, positive discipline should be level-headed. This is perhaps the most difficult to maintain. All too often, our discipline is just an emotional response to something that has happened. We need to maintain a level head, free from emotionalism. We shouldn’t yell, or get all flustered, as hard as that may be. When we respond emotionally, we are allowing our children to see that they can push our buttons and control our emotions. Don’t we want to teach our kids to be in control of their own emotions, and to not let others do it for them?

With that said, we should express our emotions constructively. We want them to know that what they do and say has effects on others. But we should do it in the form of I statements. We can say to our children, “I felt hurt and disrespected when you yelled at me.” Etc. You can fill in the blanks with whatever is appropriate. The formula is this: I feel/felt ______________ (attach an emotion) when you _____________________ (attach an action). This is a powerful tool in communication as well, but it takes practice to become fluent.

Additionally, being level-headed means that we do NOT engage in arguments with our children. I have a phrase that I use whenever my kids (or my former students) try to argue with me. I simply say, “Well that may be, but ….” You can use a different one, such as “I understand, but…” or “That may be true, but…” For example, my children are fighting. I address the situation and say that they shouldn’t be yelling and pushing each other. One will know no doubt say, “But he started it!” I will answer with, “Well, that may be, but we should not yell or hit each other.” Then the other child will say, “But he broke my Lego creation!” I again will answer with, “Well, that may be, but we should not yell or hit each other.” Once we have done that a few times, the kids will be calmed down enough to actually listen to reason. But if we engage in the argument with them, we will never get them to that point.

There is so much more to disciplining our children, and there’s no way for us to cover it all. The above principles will simply help us to be more effective in discipline. However, I must say that it is not natural to do things this way. We must practice, and be intentional and prayerful with it. God will help us as we go along. I have been using these principles and techniques for 11 ½ years now, and I still have to work at it. But it is so worth the effort. My children are no angels, but at least I can deal with them without going completely insane! God has blessed our efforts, and He will bless your efforts as well as you seek to raise your children to be more like Him.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
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positive discipline - part 3

Let’s continue our discussion on positive discipline. First of all, let me reply to a comment that was made about how discipline shouldn’t always be pleasant. By positive, I don't mean pleasant. I mean the results are positive, as opposed to negative and destructive. There's a difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline will always result in positive, whereas punishment will be negative. Discipline is making disciples out of our children--instilling the character of Christ, while punishment is simply acting upon our children because we don't like what they did.

Now, to continue, positive discipline should be honest and clear. To be honest, we need to stear clear of sarcasm and generalizations—a general rule in communication, BTW—and honestly communicate our feelings about the misbehavior. Last night, my son did something that I thought was rude and disrespectful. So I told him, “I felt disrespected when you did that.” I was honest about my feelings, which helped him to realize that his actions had an effect on someone else, namely me. Additionally, I focused on how I felt, rather than accusing him of deliberately acting that way. It prevented him from getting defensive, and all he could do was apologize and think about what he had done to hurt me.

Secondly, being honest means that we don’t threaten something that we know good and well we can’t or won’t follow through with. We should never threaten that we will leave our child somewhere if they don’t come right now. We, of course, won’t leave them there, and we really don’t want them to think that we will. Instead, we should focus on what we can control. For instance, (depending on the circumstances, of course) say your child doesn’t want to leave the toy aisle of the store; you could say instead, “I am leaving here in 1 minute. [Give them a warning, or count down; it helps to be proactive, remember?] Now you can come riding in the cart, or you can come walking.” (Or holding my hand, or holding the new toy, or without the new toy, etc.). We should always be honest in our discipline, because we want to not only discipline our children for Christ, but to teach them to be honest too.

Next, positive discipline should be clear. We can be proactive by clearing explaining our expectations and boundaries before hand. Many times it isn’t misbehavior as much as it is not knowing what their parents actually want. And when a child does misbehave and is in need of discipline, focus on the action rather than the child. We want to be clear in what the misbehavior was. For example, rather than saying “You were selfish and rude to your brother,” we could say, “Taking that toy away from him was rude, and we don’t want to be rude in our family. We want to share and be kind.” Then follow it up with a choice, such as, “Now do you want to give it back to him, or should I?” You clearly stated what was wrong with what he did, clearly how you wanted him to act, and clearly what you want him to do next. The clearer we are, and the more “thinking” words we use—words that make our child think rather than get defensive or want to fight—the more discipline is taking place. Because then the child is having to think about their actions, and how they should have handled it, and will handle it next time.

Next week, we will discuss how positive discipline should be fair, appropriate and level-headed. Again, feel free to comment on this post or my previous ones on positive discipline.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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positive discipline - part 2

OK, there were no comments on my last post about positive discipline. I don’t know if that means you didn’t read it, you disagree with what I said, or if nobody wants to talk about how we discipline (or should) our kids. I invite you to comment on today’s post just so I know you are out there!

Last week we discussed how it is our responsibility and duty to discipline—to make disciples of Christ out of—our children. I also shared how it is one of my least favorite aspects of parenting. However, when your children respond positively, and exhibit the qualities that you are trying to instill in them, it is sooooo rewarding! We all know how it feels when they misbehave, especially in front of those gossiping church members. Well, it feels equally--if not even more—impacting when they behave like we want them to.

Today let’s talk more about the aspects of positive discipline. We learned last week how “PD” should be prayerful and proactive. A third principle is consistency. PD should always be consistent. Some of the biggest problems in our home has been because my husband and I haven’t always dealt with our children in the same way. I am not criticizing my dear PH in any way, but I have had more opportunity to “hone and perfect” my disciplining skills, simply because of my studies, and because I am with the kids more often. Kids easily learn how to manipulate and navigate a team of two disjointed parents. My hubby is doing much better in this area now, and we more unified.

However, lack of consistency doesn’t have to be between two parents. It can also be an issue for one parent, in how they handle discipline from one instance to another. I personally have struggled with this because of health issues. I have fibromyalgia, and I am not always well. Sometimes I haven’t felt like putting the energy forth to handle a situation in the manner that I knew it should be handled. Consequently, my kids may push the limits more often, because they know sometimes they might get away with the misbehavior. And my kids aren’t alone! Every child will cross boundaries that are not consistently enforced.

Fourth, PD should be firm. This goes along with consistency. Wimpy discipline is as ineffective as inconsistent discipline. God is certainly not wimpy in His discipline of us; neither should we be in the discipline of our children. With that said, we should not be overzealous in the area of corporal punishment. Whether you believe in spankings or not, I’m sure we could all agree that it should be the last resort. And when you do utilize corporal punishment, do it prayerfully and slowly. I remember as a kid watching on Little House on the Prairie how Pa would take the kids out to the barn to spank them. It was a slow, deliberate process, rather than just an emotional reaction.

And fifth, PD should be swift. This is not in contradiction to what I just said about corporal punishment. Swift means that when something happens you deal with it immediately. Younger children, especially, will not remember what they have done wrong, and the teachable moment will have passed by. However, there is nothing wrong with “suspending judgment”. By that I mean when something happens, you address it immediately, but delay the “sentencing” for a later time, after you have had time to pray and think about it, and perhaps discuss it with your husband. My PH likes to call it the “icing time” (where you put them on hold--or on ice) and it does have its benefits. The child has time to think about what he/she has done, and we have time to calm down and prayerfully come up with an effective punishment.

So to recap, positive discipline is prayerful, proactive, consistent, firm and swift. Next week we will continue our discussion on this aspect of parenting, and how it should be positive and constructive, rather than negative and destructive.

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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positive discipline - part 1

What do you think of when you hear the word “discipline”? Punishment? Spankings? Groundings? I think of the most unpleasant task of parenting. But the word discipline actually means “to make disciples.”

In other words, it means to train and teach our children about the character of God. The Bible tells us that it is our responsibility to teach our children the commandments of God, and we are to do so diligently (Deut. 6:6-9). The Bible also says in Proverbs 13:24 that if we fail to discipline our child, then we are failing to love them!

Discipline doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It should be positive in nature. Positive discipline? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Those two words don’t seem to go together in the same sentence. But they should always be together. Discipline shouldn’t be anything but positive.

What is positive discipline? It is discipline that is encouraging and uplifting in nature, designed to constructively teach the child the ways of the Lord.

Today I will give you an overview of some of the principles of positive discipline. These ten aspects make the difference between positive, constructive discipline, and that which is negative and destructive.

Positive Discipline should be:

· Prayerful
· Proactive
· Consistent
· Swift
· Firm
· Honest
· Clear
· Appropriate
· Fair
· Level-headed

I will deal with the first two aspects today, and then the other principles in later posts.


Prayerful – We should first have a consistent prayer life in order to stay in tune with God, and constantly pray for our children’s growth and development. We should also pray everytime we are confronted with having to discipline our child, so that God can lead us according to His will. Additionally, we should make prayer with our child a part of the discipline process; and finally, we should always follow-up with prayer that the imposed discipline will be effective and constructive.

Proactive – The more proactive we are in discipline, the fewer problems we will have to deal with. Children thrive on structure and boundaries. If those boundaries and expectations have been made clear to our children, then we won’t have as many problems. Also, children will tend to misbehave when their structure is interrupted.

It is especially important to be consistent with mealtimes and bedtimes, as hunger and fatigue are major causes of bad behavior. Additionally, if we affirm good behavior, and communicate our love to children in ways they can easily understand (i.e. using their love languages), then we have gone a long way to alleviate many problems.

As pastoral families, we are watched in how we handle our children. Unfortunately, PKs are often seen as the worst behaved kids in church. I believe it is simply because church members expect more from PKs. That may be untrue and unfair, but the fact is, we can model the positive disciplining of our children. Let’s give them something good to talk about!

© CLUTCH, 2010 unless otherwise sourced.
Use allowed by express written permission only.
Tweets, trackbacks, and link sharing encouraged.

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