the day everything changed

A NOTE FROM CLUTCH: This is the first chapter in Cindy's book, Life After Porn: A Redemption Story. I can't think of a better way to share Cindy's story and start the conversation. Cindy is working on rewriting and publishing her book, but for now you can read the chapters online. You can also check out her posts on marriage and the couple's marriage ministry here. (Photo is a stock image and not a photo of the Bealls.)

Chapter 1 - The Day Everything Changed
by Cindy Beall

Knee deep in boxes at 217 Brackendale Lane, I heard the front door open. The jiggle of the doorknob was a familiar sound, for I knew the entrance of my husband was soon to follow. Inching my way through a small pathway in between many boxes, I looked up and saw the face of the man I married nine years ago. Chris walked toward me and asked if we could “talk”. The look on his face said enough - something was wrong.

After getting our oldest son, Noah, settled with a Blue’s Clues video, Chris motioned me toward the newly-purchased sofa that had arrived just twenty-four hours before as we began our new life in a new town.

He began by confessing that he had numerous affairs with numerous women from numerous places. My heart began to palpitate while I listened to him. I heard the cracking of my heart as he spoke and felt the devastation setting in almost immediately. As if that information was not enough to handle, he also informed me that one of the women was pregnant, and he was pretty sure the baby was his child.

You have got to be kidding me.

I’m quite certain that Webster does not have one word that could have even come close to describing my immediate state of mind and heart condition.

Bewildered. Stunned. Shocked. Overwhelmed.
Befuddled. Floored. Jolted. Nauseated. Sickened.
Disturbed. Crushed. Dismayed. Paralyzed.
Pissed off.

Nope, none of those work. The truth is that I still can’t tell you to this day how I felt in those first few moments.

What I can tell you is that I was keenly aware that my world as I knew it was forever changed. I woke up that morning a relatively comfortable housewife and stay-at-home mom, and within a couple of hours I became a seriously damaged woman.

As one might imagine, my mind began to race with all sorts of one-word questions. What? When? Where? And of course, an all-time favorite question asked by thousands when thrown into an unwanted circumstance – Why?

I guess I need to tell you the stinger in all of this. Up until the day my husband confessed his adultery, he was a pastor at our church.

This is where your jaw drops, your eyes get big, and you might even say, “What the…?”

I began to ask questions.

Why in the world would my husband choose to do this? We both made vows to forsake all others for the rest of our lives. I had kept my vows. He had not.

Why did you need other women?
Wasn’t I enough?
Why so many?
Were you in love with any of them?
Where did it happen?
When did it happen?
What did you do with them?
What did they do to you?
How many times?
Did it happen in our home?
Did it happen in our bed?
Do I mean anything to you?
Was it all a farce?
Did our ministry mean anything?
How did you lead others to Jesus while you were living this life on the side?

He knew those questions would be coming and as I asked, he simply sat there and cried.

After gaining some composure, he assured me that it wasn’t my fault. He told me that he loved me and found me attractive. He told me that I was a great wife. He said he loved being married to me. He told me that he never loved any of the women. He told me that his relationship with Jesus was real and that he did love the teenagers to whom we ministered.

Then why on earth would you risk what we have to be with someone else?

He replied, “Because I’m addicted to pornography.”

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Read the Introduction and Chapters 2-10.

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What is your initial reaction to Cindy's story? Any questions for her?

Stay tuned tomorrow for an interview with Cindy.