chime in: questions from you

>> January 30, 2009

In a recent post we asked you what you wanted to talk about. Reader Lauren asked:

I have been dating a pastor for a year and a half. Does anyone have anything they wished they would have known before going in?

So, what do you say, ladies? What do you wish someone would have told you?


Amy Storms January 30, 2009 at 1:25 PM  

Oh, that is a good question, and a wise one to ask!

I wish I would've understood that my main ministry was to my husband. I think I had too much of a "team" mentality...which is definitely necessary...but it made me feel I could be my husband's advisor. Perhaps every wife battles this somewhat, but it's even more magnified when you're both devoted the same ministry.

I spent the first few years of our marriage telling him exactly how he should run things, when what he really needed was my belief in his ability. Now I'm learning that he is called to the church, and I'm called to him.

Blessings on your relationship, Lauren--it's a fun ride!

Alisha,  January 30, 2009 at 4:25 PM  

One thing that I have realized is that it is difficult to be really close friends with those women that are in your church. It is true that ministry is a lonely place and you have to search for the woman or two that will be strong and stable enough to be your friend. It may even have to be someone outside the church, another PW?

I wish someone had told me to guard my husband carefully. Only speak good things about him - be careful how you talk to him in front of others and about him when he's not there. You can help or hinder.

I wish someone had explained how emotionally draining preaching on Saturday night and Sunday my whole purpose is to make life easier for him. Whatever I can do to lift the burden so that he can focus on what God has called him to say.

I wish someone had said...just be life, love God, love your husband and have fun!

I wish someone had told me how thankful I would be to be able to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. There is simply nothing better than being able to be apart of God changing someone's life and for them to come back and say that because of what I said or did...they came to Christ. It is incredibly humbling...

Wow...that was alot...did you just ask for one thing?? :) We should have a class for all incoming PW's! Oh the stories we could share!!! :)

Lori January 30, 2009 at 11:32 PM  

I was talking to a friend on the phone not too long ago. I loved what she said, and wish someone would have told me 12 years ago … heck even 12 months ago. I am growing in this area, but I’ve wasted way too much time, energy, and stress worrying about it. Anyway, she said:

“God could have chosen anyone to marry Jud. Anyone in the world. And He chose you.”

Even with all of my faults, failings and shortcomings, God chose me to be Jud’s wife … his partner in life and ministry. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time trying to be some kind of perfect pastor’s wife … and just be who God made me to be.

Lily January 30, 2009 at 11:33 PM  

Never never never never look at yourself as "just" a pastor's wife. Part of your own ministry is to your spouse, as well as to others. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God has called you to something very special.

Another thing to note is that there are times when church people will mistreat you for seemingly no reason at all-- often people take out their anger with the pastor on his family, unfortunately. Try not to take it personally (that's easier said than done), and just keep supporting your spouse. He needs it.

Kym,  February 1, 2009 at 3:53 AM  

This one may sound a little negative but... esentially you are a single parent. At church he won't be able to help you because he is working, there are meetings a lot of times at night, so you'll have to deal with the kids a lot by yourself, even when he's home, being a pastor is a really stressful job, so he'll be tired and crying kids are the last thing he'll want to deal with. It is all worth it though! Being a pastors kid i should have known this going in, but i had forgotten.

Being a pastors wife is not the easiest job, and believe me it is a job! the hours you'll also put in at the church will mostly go unrecognized, but remember, you're not doing ministry for the golry of you, it's purely for God! That being said, don't burn yourself out to try to prove you're a great pastors wife.

According to some church members you're husband will do no wrong, according to others he'll do nothing right! take it all with a grain of salt, no matter what you do, ALWAYS support your husband, even if he's wrong, find a way to let him know in a positive way, he's already being pulled in so many directions by so many people, he needs you to support him.

Lori was right when she said 'you were called to him by God" always remember that. marriage isn't easy, you have to work at it even when married to a pastor.

Mostly enjoy you life serving God together, there is truely no greater joy than seeing all the people that you and your husband have brought closer to the Lord.

dpm February 1, 2009 at 9:16 AM  

here are my two cents:

1. always keep at the forefront of your mind that even though you are immersed in ministry, you still have to make your daily quiet time with God a priority. set a weekly (daily for us has been close to impossible) time to pray together and get some spiritual food as a couple. encourage your husband in his devotional time (which we all know is not sermon prep time.) feed your soul.

2. spend time nourishing your relationship with your husband. because of some crazy things going on with our church, my husband said to me yesterday, "if i were you, i don't know how i would stay married to me." i was like, "are you kidding? i'm married to you, not that pastor guy." when it's all said and done, your marriage is your marriage. you're more than a ministry couple. you're more than a pastor's wife. he's more than his role as a pastor. you know him better than anyone. grow that relationship.

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