just for pastor's wives (4)

Dear Pastor's Wife,

Just last week, I was having lunch with a sweet friend of mine who is a fellow pastor's wife at a nearby church. Our congregations have both gone through some significant changes over the last few years and we were talking about the difficulty of having people that we have loved and invested in move on to other churches.

Some of those people have left our church to go to theirs.

Some have left their church to come to ours. Some people just come and go due to job changes and moves.

In strange irony, as we were eating, the owner of the restaurant came over to say hello. My friend introduced us. He happened to have attended her church at one time.

"We left because the youth pastor transition was hard on my son."

He didn't know who I was. He didn't realize that I was the wife of the youth pastor who had left. In an effort to quickly diffuse any embarrassment he might inadvertently bring upon himself, I said, "My husband was the previous youth pastor."

"Oh yeah? He was good. He's over at Willamette now, right? We tried out that church and enjoyed his preaching, but we decided on a different one."

When he departed, my friend and I just looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and laughed. What else can you do? Those conversations are deep down awkward, but God gives His grace at just the right time.

I am thankful that He has taught me early in my ministry to be open-handed, for I have seen what possessiveness can do. It can eat away at your spirit and make you bitter and angry at others. It's hard to keep a loose, yet loving hold upon those whom are your church family. Even if they are entrusted to our care for only a season, we are to go all out in (guarded) abandon to serve and honor them. God will probably move them on at some point, but we can count it a privilege that He ever let us be a part of their life at all. (It doesn't mean it won't sting a little...or a lot ;-).

Along the lines of being open handed, one of the most freeing pieces of advice ever given to me was this: It is a great gift to the people in your congregation when you give them permission to not have to like you. (Certainly we hope that they do and heaven forbid that we ever conduct ourselves in a repulsive manner).

Actually, it is also one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Of course this is not a verbalized permission, but it is conducting yourself in a way that does not grasp, or worry, or strive to please people and work for their approval. We can get very weird if we believe that everyone must like us, for not everyone will. We can inadvertently put pressure on people to be someone they are not when they are with us, or to include us in all of parts of their lives.

It's a possessive and prideful spirit that we must release to the sovereignty of God, and as we do so, we will be refreshed in our souls.

Worrying about whether or not people like you or whether or not they like your ministry will drive you crazy and put you in a looney state of mind. I have seen it happen to many a pastor and his wife. 

So, my friend, pry those hands open. Allow people to come and go. Allow people to have their opinions about you and the ministry. Release it all to God, then whether it flourishes or falters, it can all be used for His glory.

And you can relax and enjoy the ride knowing that HE is in control.

With hands outstretched,

~ Joy

 Growing up in a pastor’s home, Joy Dombrow was molded and shaped by a life of ministry and service. While studying Human Development/Education at a Christian college and then teaching, she partnered with her husband in youth ministry at four different churches, a calling that would continue for 15 years.

Currently, Joy’s husband Joel serves as lead pastor of Willamette Christian Church, where she serves in a wide variety of teaching, serving, counseling and advisory roles. She is passionate about helping women understand and apply the truths in God’s Word and enjoys using speaking opportunities to do so.

In her free time, Joy writes, cheers her kids at sporting events, plays board games, chats with friends, reads five books at any given time, and makes references to her beloved television show Little House on the Prairie... all while sipping on a cup of peppermint tea.

Joy and her husband make their home in the Portland, Oregon area, along with their two school-aged children, Nathan and Elisabeth.

She has graciously shared this series as a guest writer for CLUTCH. You can read more about her life, ministry and family on her personal blog here.

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